Saving this marriage and their father from this mess IS in their best interest I would think.
Phil McGraw had an infidelity intervention on his show last October and he had a 15 year old daughter there in on it (in the audience). So he at least seems to think 15 is a reasonable age... your kids are OLDER than that.
Your call though... But if your H ends up making this more ugly and they werne't in the loop to confront him when they had a chance to they may be upset wtih you on that.
The way I see it, you need to be careful here. You are not their mother. If they think you are too hard on their father, they will side with him and not you. There have been several testimonials to the fact that family members don't always line up on the side of the marriage and the LBS. Exposing to the kids, when they are not your kids, is a craps shoot.
Lotus, you are correct. That’s why I posted that DSD16 would be a good one to go for it. Her twin, DSS16 would be on daddy’s side, because boys stick together. The oldest, DSS20, would side with me because I am like a true mother to him, but he’d have a very, very hard time sticking with it and once H told him how he doesn’t love me, our love just died, etc, he’d take daddy’s side. It would tear him apart to make him choose like that. DSD16, however, is very close to me and girls stick together and I know she’d side with me now and forever. She’s been told enough – I told her that daddy is going through a mid life crisis of sorts, and she knows from her friends talking that sometimes that means buying new toys and sometimes getting a new mommy… and she candidly told me she’s been preparing for that day if daddy ever brings another woman home. She’s planning on calling her a hoe and asking constantly “where’s W” and not being nice. Now, I did not encourage this talk, but I understood it, and I tell you honestly, I laughed inside when I heard her prattling on about what she was going to do if daddy ever cheated on me with another woman. He would NOT be happy with her, but she said she’d be prepared to do anything to “bring me back.”
In any case, I went home at lunch and spoke to H about a few things. I told him that I am not controlling him, or trying to be his mother, but there are a few things he needs to know. I’m letting him know the whole truth and he can do with it what he will. I said that I’ve been protecting him from the truth for a while now, and I don’t know why I did that. I was trying to protect the children, but by association, was protecting him also. The truth is, I told him, that the kids KNOW when you sneak into the house at 4:30 in the morning. Don’t think they don’t. DSS20 is up at that hour, or if he isn’t, his window is right next to the front door. When he is out all night, the whole house sleeps lightly and we HEAR him come in. He tries to sneak, but it’s so LOUD. I told him that for months now, the kids have been asking what’s wrong with Daddy, and they notice his drinking. DSD16 told me very clearly yesterday that she was worried about Daddy drinking and driving and us not being able to get in touch with him. I told him he blew off Sunday dinner, refused to answer DSD’s text, blew off boy scouts and blew off picking up DSS20 from work.
I then told him that I had changed the locks on the apartment, and our tenant had had enough and is moving out. (not paying anyway, so it’s good for us as we can rent it now)
I told him that right now, I’ve been balancing our R with my self esteem, but that if it comes down to it, I will no longer lie for him. My self worth comes first, no questions asked. The contact can NOT happen again. He agreed. He had a bit of defensiveness under the surface during the talk, but more often, I saw him with a bit of resignation, a bit of shame, and I know he let himself down. He was not proud that he was weak yesterday. He didn’t say that and I didn’t say that, but I could see it.
Forgot to say this to him, so I just called and related it to him. I asked that he not talk to the kids about anything without first discussing it with me. He said he wasn’t ready to anyway.
So, that was that. I have more to relate, but I didn’t want to overwhelm him. I said what I was ready to say, what was the most important to me. (1) To let him know how he’s been hurting his children, (2) to let him know I will not continue to cover for him, (3) to let him know that if he continues to act like a donkey, I will not take it, I want and require respect, and (4) that I will not financially support him or allow him to destroy us further with the apt or buying a car to go see her with. IF he has no contact, I will help him get his car, but he has to do the legwork to figure out how we can do it.
Lotus, you are correct. That’s why I posted that DSD16 would be a good one to go for it. Her twin, DSS16 would be on daddy’s side, because boys stick together. The oldest, DSS20, would side with me because I am like a true mother to him, but he’d have a very, very hard time sticking with it and once H told him how he doesn’t love me, our love just died, etc, he’d take daddy’s side. It would tear him apart to make him choose like that. DSD16, however, is very close to me and girls stick together and I know she’d side with me now and forever. She’s been told enough – I told her that daddy is going through a mid life crisis of sorts, and she knows from her friends talking that sometimes that means buying new toys and sometimes getting a new mommy… and she candidly told me she’s been preparing for that day if daddy ever brings another woman home. She’s planning on calling her a hoe and asking constantly “where’s W” and not being nice. Now, I did not encourage this talk, but I understood it, and I tell you honestly, I laughed inside when I heard her prattling on about what she was going to do if daddy ever cheated on me with another woman. He would NOT be happy with her, but she said she’d be prepared to do anything to “bring me back.”
In any case, I went home at lunch and spoke to H about a few things. I told him that I am not controlling him, or trying to be his mother, but there are a few things he needs to know. I’m letting him know the whole truth and he can do with it what he will. I said that I’ve been protecting him from the truth for a while now, and I don’t know why I did that. I was trying to protect the children, but by association, was protecting him also. The truth is, I told him, that the kids KNOW when you sneak into the house at 4:30 in the morning. Don’t think they don’t. DSS20 is up at that hour, or if he isn’t, his window is right next to the front door. When he is out all night, the whole house sleeps lightly and we HEAR him come in. He tries to sneak, but it’s so LOUD. I told him that for months now, the kids have been asking what’s wrong with Daddy, and they notice his drinking. DSD16 told me very clearly yesterday that she was worried about Daddy drinking and driving and us not being able to get in touch with him. I told him he blew off Sunday dinner, refused to answer DSD’s text, blew off boy scouts and blew off picking up DSS20 from work.
I then told him that I had changed the locks on the apartment, and our tenant had had enough and is moving out. (not paying anyway, so it’s good for us as we can rent it now)
I told him that right now, I’ve been balancing our R with my self esteem, but that if it comes down to it, I will no longer lie for him. My self worth comes first, no questions asked. The contact can NOT happen again. He agreed. He had a bit of defensiveness under the surface during the talk, but more often, I saw him with a bit of resignation, a bit of shame, and I know he let himself down. He was not proud that he was weak yesterday. He didn’t say that and I didn’t say that, but I could see it.
Forgot to say this to him, so I just called and related it to him. I asked that he not talk to the kids about anything without first discussing it with me. He said he wasn’t ready to anyway.
So, that was that. I have more to relate, but I didn’t want to overwhelm him. I said what I was ready to say, what was the most important to me. (1) To let him know how he’s been hurting his children, (2) to let him know I will not continue to cover for him, (3) to let him know that if he continues to act like a donkey, I will not take it, I want and require respect, and (4) that I will not financially support him or allow him to destroy us further with the apt or buying a car to go see her with. IF he has no contact, I will help him get his car, but he has to do the legwork to figure out how we can do it.
Well done. Now expect him to TEST all of that. May want to plan out AHEAD OF TIME how you intend to respond when (notice I didn't say "if") he does.
Testing: Hmmm, this is hard. Just have to think of him as a kid. I know how I’d handle it with the kids. I guess what’s hard is that with him, he can just walk out. They can’t, they’re not 18 yet. Adds a bit of fear in the mix that I’m not good at handling. I’ve never lost a battle before, I am not ready to lose now… If he comes home drunk again If he stays out all night without calling If he blows off kid’s events If he doesn’t respond to kid’s texts If he treats me with disrespect If he tells friends/family more “stories” about me
I think you did a great job at confronting him. You presented him with the facts. You didn't "blame" him or sugarcoat things either. I do believe that sometimes the WAS needs to be hit with the truth and reality of things every now and then.
I think if you had the kids there too, he might have felt so ashamed and cornered that he'd start going back to blaming you of being controlling.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Feels so bad right now. I'm trying to get a hold of myself so I don't overreact and lose sleep tonight. Journaling. H took son to activity tonight and then went to hardware store for a part for the stove. I gave him the key to the apt with the understanding that I get it back when he is done. That as long as no contact is being made and I have the key (old lock, they don't make blanks for it so he can't get a copy) I'm fine with him doing work there.
He came back angry. I should have let it lie, but since he says we don't talk to OW, I think, let's find out why. He starts by saing "where's my beer." I say FIL has it. Why does FIL have it. B/C I didn't think you would be going back over there. Don't I still have work to do? Yes, but I was going to finish it. I was protecting us financially by stopping your meeting place. You think I don't know you really had in mind having me go over there and find out that the lock had been changed? Yes, but that was before no contact. He expresses that he's very angry at me. I tell him that I'm angry at him also, I have a right to be. He took what was our first apartment, our first house together, and took another woman there to "F" her. He gets really angry and leaves to sleep on the couch. I sit in bed, then get up (I know, guys, I know) and tell him "I'm very hurt by your actions." He says in a very loud voice "You don't think I'm hurt by 10 years - 10 years of being hurt." I say "you're running away again. I'm hurt you run away rather than talk to me, rather than try to fix our problems. You just run away."
He says it's always been about you, well now I'm making it about me. I should have made it about me 10 years ago. I CAN'T talk to you.
And I leave before it can become worse. Now I'm lying in bed, wondering, did I just ruin it? Should I have not let him go over there? I figure it's emotional to begin with going over there since it was their meeting place, so he's starting off by being emotional about that, and then picks a fight with me. I was torn between validating and listening and standing up for what was right. I guess I stood up in the end, but now I feel empty, he's sleeping in the other room for the first time in our marriage.
I know this is a temper tantrum. He said I was "done" already, meaning he's going to D me. Another threat, but it hurts all the same. Trying to deconstruct what happened but it's so raw right now, and it's late, my brain is not functioning optimally.
Need to stand back and look at this objectively and see what needs to be repaired here. He just had contact yesterday.
Do you think he picked a fight in order to be emotionally ready to make contact again - that's popped into my mind. He may be looking for entitlement again.
It also strikes me that he made fun of my apology to him recently where I said I would own some of what went wrong in our M. I get a feeling he was saying too little too late, it hurts me too much, type of thing.
You said yourself that he is acting like a toddler - this is just more of the same. You HAVE to give this time and stop reacting to every little thing. Look at the bigger picture - he was just fed up that his little rendezvous nest had been taken away. I wouldn't however have followed him and continued the conversation. Once he decided to go to the couch you should have left him - he's the one waking up with a crick in his neck this morning.
Things generally look better in the mornings as opposed to in the dark of night.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
H just knocked on bedroom door, came in and got clothes, got dressed and then left. I didn't say anything. I wanted to say I'm sorry for hurting you, maybe one day you will feel something for the pain you've caused me and feel sorry also. I didn't, I know that wouldn't change anything. I had such plans for some good QT with H this week and now I believe it will be a week of cold shoulders... I just pray no more contact.
Tonight is family night... should I disappear or participate?
