Ok, yes, I blew it again because MC seemed to go so well today - deeper talks than before and then I had an issue with my neighbor and couldn't get over there tonight to be "dark". As soon as S went to bed H corned me and started venting at me I kept saying, "I can't go to my neighbor's so what do you want to do tonight." He used it to be mean to me instead of saying "ok, how about we stay in separate rooms? Can I have the front room?" He couldn't just ask politely, even though I clearly asked him to ask for what he wanted and politely. He kept spewing "what i want is to not be here this place stinks and is a disgusting pit and I'm so uncomfortable etc etc etc"
I did well, I left the room and of course he followed me and continued to slam me. Venting all his miseries with me despite my insistence he stay on topic. He said he doesn't want to stay here any more for S. He will visit but not stay over. I panicked inside. Took the bait. It went south. Told you I'm bad at dark.
I can't allow myself to hope once we have a good open convo in MC that we can continue to talk respectfully because H has made up his mind and wants to spew as to why so I have to protect myself.
Back to working on accepting that I cannot have any expectations nor count on H. EMails ala Kalni are in order regarding the schedule. I don't know if this is Db to affect change in the r, or just a way to lose iwth whatever dignity I can muster but I'm struggling with the desire to beg and plead and I know Ican't show him this face.
So now that I can't go to neighbors - at least until I can reach her in Europe and clear things up - this is going to be hell.
I am sorry I have let you all down ... I'm sorry it's hard to watch. I'm humiliated at my backslide.
So now back to dark - I shouldn't have even let him vent his miseries, I should have disappeared into the back room. On the other hand, he may have followed me in ther to go on and on about how miserable the R has and always will be and how he is not interested in being with me like he did anyhow.
SO back to square one. Until things are clear with my neighbor, I'll have to stay in the back room and just leave if he doesn't leave me alone.
