To try some openness, I read (paraphrased) most of what I wrote and you responded to - after having a talk about why I'm not comfortable sharing everything with her now. The reasons I gave were: - Since Oct, we've had a few major arguments, one of which led her to leave the house, because of pure misunderstandings when she reads. To qualify this, on her ESL language test she took last week, she got a Level 3 on reading (equivalent to 6 months of ESL), but a Level 7 on speaking. So we can talk about many issues, but when she reads them, she misunderstands much more than when we talk. I tried to explain that I will feel safe one day, but not now. I also explained that like some other posts told me, some of these ideas on the blog are not thoughts - they are venting. If she reads them or those I write to myself, I'm guaranteed to be in the dog house~
The house was a joint decision, or maybe more her decision than mine. What is hard to me is that considering it to be her desire, she isn't helping.
I know that honesty and support are important for her, and me, too. I really do mix things up and forget, but except for the porn sin, I do not lie. Ever. I don't believe in white lies.
The 6 months, though...I really can't do it knowing I'm guaranteed a D. I know she needs time for the affect of her IC to kick in. While being told "I'll divorce you if" is fine if someone is talking about a non-addictive behaviour though, I can't accept being told that when I am almost certain to relapse at least once or twice in the next few years after having stopped.
Living under a threat just isn't OK for me for the rest of my life. I've told her if she was saying that if I return to using it all the time then she'd leave, sure. If she said she'd leave if I wasn't improving, I'd think that was normal even if the word improvement isn't very objective. She isn't. She's saying if I do it at all, that would be it.
I do not expect her to fully heal or ever love my sin. I want to be certain that she loves me enough to stick by me in my lowest times, not just my highest.
I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't gamble. I don't hit her. I don't refuse to hear & consider her POV. I don't go on solo vacations. I don't control her work/education/"freedom".
But I am not sinless. There are many married people using porn and their proud of it. I am embarrassed and getting help. Eventually I will stop, but I'm not perfect and I know I will eventually screw up (barring any miracles). If that isn't enough for her, I am not enough for her. I want to accept that, too. I can't/won't.
Yes, it hurts her. I get that. It hurts me, too. I need her to get that. Being understood is a major emotional need for me. To accept living under a threat is like asking to live being intentionally misunderstood. That's too much for me.
