still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[newmama]

ok WH was near. I feel like I might be forgetting something but this is the rest that I can remember:

So then I said "you said you were worried about getting back to where we were. Well I know we can because we have a bond-which is why we can't let go of each other. We knew what we were doing when we married each other. I don't want to get back to where we were, I want it to be better and I have ideas for that. We would have the support of our friends and family because everyone knows we did the right thing by marrying each other.

However, if you do decide to divorce, then I have plans for my future. So that's what I wanted to say."

Then he said "ok." and was quiet. My gut told me not to press him so I said "you don't have to say anything. I just wanted to let you know my thoughts." and changed the subject to S' dr. appointment.

That was the last time we have discussed anything and the last time he said anything.

NOW there was something he said that Thursday night which was reminding me of how we are separated- SEPARATED. That rings in my brain because now I think I am ready to date!!!

I am still waiting to reinforce the change in how we do visitation. I think I am going to wait until he brings up his decision to D. When he says he is going to do it, I will say

"OK, from this day forward, you drop off and pick up S. We need to be acting like regular divorced parents.

And I want to stay in the house for the next year.

And no more texting for check ins- if he has a problem, I trust you will let me know and you can trust that I will let you know!

I looked at the parenting plan again and saw that there were some errors, so I'd like to show you my revision based on the recommendations of the court"

I also researched all of the steps involved in divorce in my county and just seeing them (there are like 15) helped me to relieve my anxiety. The suckiest part of the steps is the 4 week long parenting class. Which WH asked me (when he brought it up on 3/25)if we could go together and which I replied HELL NO! We will be acquaintances after this, only exchanging necessary info for S. I could not bear to go to those classes with you!"

[flowmom]

Oh newmama. It sounds like you're communicating really clearly. It's good that you have a plan. I hope that he understands what the plan is, because his world is going to look different when he doesn't have the benefit of access to you and your S in the home setting.

big hugs to you.

[newmama]

So in the last few weeks, I have felt confident and strong, then sad and destroyed, then angry and resentful, then confident, sad, angry--rollercoaster.

However I have made a profile on match.com but haven't posted it yet. I will do some hunting and reply with my profile but don't want anything serious at this time and the men that I like seem to want something serious! I need a year probably so I don't mess up something good you know?

When I was preparing for my trip to see my friend in MO, he asked a bunch of q's like if I was nervous, was I scared to go on all the connecting flights, asked if I was visiting my friend , right? (lol) asked if I would be staying in a hotel or at her place.

There have been some other things that will look silly if I post them here but I think he can tell I am not scared anymore and I am not kissing his butt.

I did install some childproof locks using the power drill and he was very surprised and impressed by that- he said "wow- that is impressive!"

Today I trimmed some branches in the backyard and didn't know if he would notice but he did and was surprised.

Now these are "independent" behaviors on my part, as well as traveling to visit my friend and figuring out how to maneuver through the airport, connecting flights, etc.

Some friends of mine are setting me up with a guy friend of theirs and I sent him an email asking him out (he already expressed interest). So maybe I will have a date this week!

Also, am going back to my therapist from last year, hopefully, to discuss this whole thing and how to cope with divorce.

NO I will not file. He f-d this whole thing up, he ruined S' future, he needs to be the one to initiate the whole thing. But, as he reminded me, we ARE separated so I am going to date!

[newmama]

Thanks flowmom! there have been a bunch of little steps that I have taken and been a little mysterious but it is totally authentic! And for me, fake it til you make it has helped but I couldn't fake being prepared for divorce so I was not about to pretend. Nor could I fake doing a good NC so I didn't want to try.

I did bring up daycare in a roundabout way today, telling him about this lady I saw in the park and something she told me about daycare but he didn't say anything! I ignored him because I was typing on here and looking something up on the internet but he was initiating conversation about S.

Earlier today S was being really fussy (not his usual state) and by the time WH got here I said I needed to go get a beer and I'd be back later. He said "he wasn't fussy during the weekend" (when WH was watching him) and I said "lucky you." and he said "Oooooh!!!" heh heh!

[Marked&Healed]

Just wanted to add my support and prayers for the best outcome.

[4luv]

you sound great newmama!! The rollercoaster of emotions is normal. Just know that they only last for a moment. How is your son? My son is turning 1 this weekend :-) I can't believe that a year has passed already!!

[courageous wife]

Wow! A lot has happened for you but you sound like you are handling things well. I was looking at my flyer for our parenting class and it says that it is not recommended that the parents take the same class. (((NM)))

[flowmom]

newmama, have you seen a L yet? I finally did that and it was easier than I expected, even though I was totally dreading it. Get it over with

[newmama]

4luv- my son is 9 months now and crawling all over the place! My negative roller coaster emotions last 20 minutes at a time but the positive outlast.

CW- how funny because our class recommends that both parents take it at the same time! But we don't have to so I won't!

FM- I won't see an L for awhile-I feel pretty informed and do not foresee WH doing anything sneaky with the D. The second I suspect I will see an L. BUt I saw you did!! I could tell it gave you strength! That is awesome!

Last night the friend that my friends want to set me up started to text me- without even meeting me first! In fact he started off innocent and then started heavily flirting but I did not reciprocate- I just joked back. I was a little put off by that. But I will still meet him and just see. Maybe he is better in person. ???

Ok off to get S ready for his nap!

[Piano]

Newmama, so glad to have you back :-) :-)
Thanks for posting on my thread - I will repond in a little while -laying low for a bit. I see you rejuvinated by your time away - good on you for spending it so productively and I'm impressed with your new plan. Hugs!