The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

Just journaling the rest of the weekend.

I made it to the meetup.com group. It was a disappointment. I was the youngest there by 10 years. They were nice and it was OK once we started playing cards. We tried a game called May I.

I stayed from 6:30 p.m. to 10 p.m., so it was OK.

Then I met friends at the same place as the night before. Yes. Get the 2x4s out.

This night was stranger still. I called a commercial Realtor friend on the way because I knew she was downtown and I said if she wanted she should stop by.

She did show up with a friend of hers I'd met once before. The friend's boyfriend broke up with her this week so she was in a mood.

I just talked to both of them. My friend was having an OK time. Her friend was getting steadily drunker.

By the end of the night my friend had taken off and her friend was there and ... well, if I wanted to end my 22-month dry spell I could have.

I seriously thought about it. But then I thought what would that help. I wouldn't ask this lady out on a date. I wouldn't want to run into her again and I definitely wouldn't want to introduce her to my daughters as daddy's new girlfriend.

So I let the opportunity pass by -- and felt really good about that this morning.

Made it to church. The message for this month is "If God is great why do bad things happen."

After, they invited people having troubles to talk to someone from the church who were sticking around. So I went up and told a man named Kevin that this week I'll have my first court date in the divorce and our second mediation and I'm having trouble trusting that God will take care of me.

His message that God will decide what is best for my family at this time, however it turns out.

Went home and was watching the Masters and reading. Friends called me to play racquetball. I did that for 90 minutes. Then one of my best friends at the paper was telling me about a fight he had with his girl friend.

They've been together 2 1/2 years. It took them two years to have sex. She has a physical condition that makes it difficult, but she's not a virgin. She's been with several others.

So they've had sex twice now. They stayed in this weekend to save money and my friend was hoping, hey, why not and she shot him down Friday and Saturday she wanted to go shopping for wedding rings. He didn't feel like going after Friday and the night didn't end well again.

I think his girlfriend is a very nice person and she's very pretty, but when STBX and I were dating we were all over each other all the time. The problems came later and what he's describing to me is how our M was the last three years.

This may be caveman thinking but I said and he knows deep down that if it isn't good now, it's unlikely to get better after you get married.

Came back home to watch more golf and got a call from D11. She wanted to know if I wanted to go see a movie. She wanted to see Alice in Wonderland and D7 wanted to go see How to Train Your Dragon again.

I said, yes, great, I'll do it. It's W's weekend so this is found money for me.

So STBXW drops D11 off -- I get to hug D7 -- and we go to the money. Bizarre movie. D11 laid in the front row with her head in my lap.

She filled me in on the weekend a bit. STBXW is finally planting flowers in the flower garden I built for her four years ago. That was a fun project. I woke up at 6 a.m. for two months to take chunks of concrete from our old driveway to build the garden.

Then STBXW did nothing with it. I spent two years pulling weeds out of it. Oh well, I'm glad she's using it although my guess is this will be the only year she does. I'll be shocked if she's there next year -- either short sale or foreclosure.

Anyway, I walked D11 in after the movie so I could give D7 a hug. The dog is always excited to see me. STBXW was in D7's room doing something and I didn't say anything to her.

So that's the rest of my weekend. I had several moments of -- is there all there is. This week is going to be extremely difficult, but at least next weekend is mine with the girls. It'll be a challenge with my new budget.

[awest1217]

Good luck to you this week. Try to stay calm and just focus on the girls. As for living on your budget, it is hard, I have had to do it this whole time, which is why I am still in a house that I can't afford and have nice things (God's help keeping me to it), but it is important so just start now thinking about things to do with the girls that don't cost money. Going to a park, riding bikes, maybe some arts and crafts (takes a little money, but not much), start googling stuff and I am sure you will come up with things that will be fun and cheap. Also this will give you something else to think about instead of the upcoming dates.

[ClingingToHope]

More money out the window. The required parenting class you need to get divorced costs $125. Oh joy.

Well, at least I'm on budget so far, but it really has me focusing on my bills long term. I really have to get a couple of things paid off when the D is done or I just don't see how I'll survive on anything but ramen noodles.

Having difficulties forcusing on work again.

[mishka422]

Hey, don't knock Ramen!!!

You can dress it up pretty well and make some ok meals. Leftover pork roast is great thrown in there. I buy bags of frozen asian style veggies and add those and whatever meat or seafood I may have and it's a pretty well rounded meal. Of course the amount of sodium might kill you!!!

Trade off...

[faithisbelieving]

I have incredible recipes for turkey burgers, meat loaf, linguine with white clam sauce...if you need.

You will have ups and downs for A LONG TIME. You must accept that and somehow 'embrace it'. They happen.

It's how you choose how to live your life now that matters. Once your grasp that you cannot control them (and it DOES take a while to fully understand this concept), then, you can let go of any self-blame or victimization and cash in on your life. It has value.

FIB

[ClingingToHope]

I just got off the phone with my attorney. As usual, he did not paint a pretty picture for me. He said typically a judge just looks at what a person makes and calculates out what I should owe by the guidelines and makes it official.

Plus, he may order me to chip in on child care.

I'm trying not to sound cheap here. I make good money and I want to contribute, which is why I've been giving her the amount I have, but I have a big 401(k) loan that sucks a big chunk out each month and that was to consolidate family debt and of course the credit card that W ran up to $15,200 by the time she kicked me out. That's a $300 per month minimum.

If I get ordered to chip in on child care as well then I'm $100 per check poorer now and I'm going bankrupt now.

I am really, really, really freaking out.

Then we talked about mediation. He doubts W is going to cave. And you know what, if I get stuck with full child support and daycare then I can't afford to have them any more than I have them now.

Isn't that a rock and a hard place?

[smith18]

It does seem so unfair when the person that did not want a divorce in the first place gets raked over the coals financially.

I too was freaked out about the possible bleak financial outlook when I was going through the D process. I am not sure if I am typical, but in the end, I came out ok. And in a way, I look at the $600 a month I pay my XW in child support as far cheaper than what she was spending each month when she lived with me.

I gotta chime in and recommend you stay away from the night club scene.

Also, your caveman sensory nerve seems right-on about your good friend. He needs to think long and hard about going into marriage with a woman he has a troubled relationship with now. It sounds like a future divorce in the making.

[Gardener]

CTH,
I hear ya. I wonder why they don't also mandate we take a "Money Hemorrhaging 101 Course!"

[iwantittowork]

I am really, really, really freaking out.

I know CTH how you feel, if you have followed my sitch, I am in financial despair because of this d process. All my credit cards got canceled, credit is shot, when 1 year ago it was 800, 2 investments in foreclosure, facing 600-700+ per WEEK in support and possibly more. That's just so you know, I know where you are right now.

Now, to why I put this up here:
You can and will rebuild from whatever comes from this. Accept that you can, and accept that you will be facing financial hardships.

Nothing you can do about them until they happen, and I have found freaking out first is worse than how you feel after something happens.

So, freak out for a bit, and vent away, etc, and then work on acceptance and forward movement.

Like I wrote in my own post just recently..

There is nothing you can do but accept it, as fighting it and freaking out about is really just fighting with yourself, so what's the point?

[Gardener]

CTH, my sitch has put me in the absolute worst financial disaster of my adult life. And all I can say about it is that iwantittowork is 100% right on this.
This will be over. It will be repaired and rebuilt. You will look back on it some day from a far better position.
And you will be proud of your accomplishment and resilience.
Guaranteed.