Just found out she already filed

[Gardener]

Sorry, SR,

So I've calmed down a lot, feeling exhausted and sleepy already (8pm) so I wanted to jot down a few thoughts:
1. I need to end all expectations from her side and expect worst. That way I won't feel shattered by her actions. OK how do I do this? lol Better to just expect - and try not to be thrown by - the unexpected. Because you're gonna get a lot of that!
2. I need to think about this stuff from my own and DD's point of view, nothing beyond that. Yes. But know that this will take time. We are creatures of habit. And you are in shock and pain. It's a whole new way of thinking about your - singular vs. plural - life.
3. I'll never know what she's thinking, who she's consulting etc so I need to stop thinking about what she's thinking...right. That's right. You'll never know. And you will find that 99.99% of your assumptions about such things will be 1) Totally wrong and 2) a tremendous, draining waste of mental energy.
4. I should act like her 'just fine on the surface'. Let her wonder if I know about her filing the D or not. If she asks 'yep, my L told me' - nothing more. Detached. "Cheerful and stupid." Close to the vest. The less you reveal, the less you risk being trampled.
5. Don't follow through with my plan to wrap a paper that says D I V O R C E in a nice package and hand it to her for her as her b.day present "it's what you've been asking for for many years!" Um....yeah, I'd go along with dropping this idea!
6. Give my mind some much needed rest. Definitely. Distraction. Physical distraction and challenge.

And, SR, in those moments when you don't think you have it in you, don't think you have the courage, the stamina, know that you do. It's there, still. Summon it up. For DD's sake if nothing else.