still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[newmama]

I have been on FB requesting advice from a couple of folks who know my sitch but staying away from my thread and reading others to take a break.

On 3/25, WH starts by asking if we want the same daycare we looked at before. He then asks if I will still be living here.

This is all a blur but he continues by saying he needs to make a decision. I ask him if it is because it has been a year and he says no, he has been thinking about it. Then I ask if it is because OW is pressuring him. He says no, it is just time for him to decide.

I told him that I thought he hasn't said anything about D because he has doubts. He said everyone has doubts about divorce.
He says he isn't sure if we could get back to where we were before this. I said all I know is that it seemed things were fine and then SHE came along and they weren't. So if SHE were gone, we could get it back.

I ask if he is happy. He pauses for about 5 seconds, looks at S, then says yes, he wishes things were different with S, but he's happy. He says he doesn't foresee when or if he will end his R with her.

I tell him that my intuition tells me that his R with her will end but that we will end up together. He says maybe I am right.

Then he asks me if I think he has lost his mind. I bite my tongue and tell him, no, I think he is lost.

Then he says he doesn't understand why he is doing this because it is totally out of his character.

A bunch of other stuff was said by me, I cried. I ask him if he still loves me. He says he has strong feelings for me...I tell him that is funny because I can sense it.

So then a bunch of stuff and he finally says "I don't want to lose you! I am afraid to lose you!" and it was kind of the end of the conversation.

Well I go to bed crying and accepting that my marriage is over. I tell a couple friends the next day. One was a "tell it like it is" friend and she said "Newmama! He has doubts! You have to talk to him!" My other friend knows about my sitch from the beginning and said "No, it's not over yet! He has doubts!"

So I decide to go to the beach and prepare for what to say and prepare for moving forward with my life. Mentally prepare! I prayed and meditated and asked people online and got ready.

On Sunday WH drops off S and I tell him I want to talk. I start by saying "I know you are still trying to decide whether to divorce me or not. You said yourself that you are afraid to lose me. I think this is because you have doubts.

to be continued