Why is running such an appealing option??? That's hard for me to understand intellectually and emotionally.
That's a failure response. I didn't know about my ADHD until I was 28. I had lots of evidence of having the ability to do a lot and understand many things. Yet, I found many problems in my life applying that. So, lots of failures. Imagine drawing something, and 1/2 way through you spill a bottle of ink on it. Wouldn't you want a new paper? The bigger the ink blot, the more the agitation and apprehension when trying to move forward. Maybe the hyperactivity leads to this, or maybe it is an exaggeration in a male response. Maybe, just me! I'd rather fight it and win, but when I'm sure I can't win or I've got so much on my plate I think everything is going down the tubes, then running away/starting again on a few of those things make the others more manageable.
You don't need to say you're not happy. Sometimes, it is on people's faces. Many other times, it is so obvious to the self that it is easy to beat oneself up about it.
*my lack of emotional sharing Is it possible that to him, sharing looks different that it does for you? When you were sharing lots AND he seemed deeply happy/moved, how were you sharing? When you shared and he wasn't responding, was it the same way of sharing?
*the house never feeling like "his"; my reluctance to part with some things that were my mother's That sounds very internal - a problem for him to deal with. Getting a house as an inheritance is a dream for most! How do you know your rework of the house is what he wants? For me, W and I are talking about moving to get away from the bad memories. This has been a bigger area of conflict, because she doesn't care about doing the house planning with me. I want to look at the walls of our house and think, WE did this together. I might have more of an influence, but without her influence, I will be resentful.
I have the work problem, too. Does he have a job he can just leave behind him? With my ADHD, I have the touch of anxiety, too. I find many others with ADHD get more of the 'fun' part that comes from impusivity (etc)...
Hobbies...my W has none (that I can figure out, at least). The D talks have led her to begin developing some. Hobbies are an emotional need ('recreational companionship') and that's one major wall I have with my W. I want to have fun with her, because if I can't, I need other friendships to do them with. Friendships take time, so then I have less time at home. Less time at home means more fighting... If you end off getting to a point of 'dating' again, maybe you could ask him for something he's dreamed of doing (bungee jumping, etc) and would like to try together.
Great work on the work! I need an assistant....
Why not suggest cancelling the separate account so that "he can better understand the financial situation during this tough time" or something?
Did you apologize for being overfocused on yourself during the year after the death? If not, and the timing is right, you could try, "I've never really apologized for putting you through a rough year/two...". Apologies don't mean that you did it on purpose, it means you acknowelge the hurt it caused.
Did you ask about dating again now or in a month from now? Telling him that you'd like a chance to know that you both tried.
I wonder if his mom would kick him out? IF she is as supportive as she said, maybe you could offer an in-house separation. If he still feels that way in 4 or 6 months, you would help him financially if he needed it. Asking hard questions like this is trying to make an opportunity where it doesn't exist.
I'm imagining, "Hi MIL. I know you mentioned that you have hopes for H's happiness with me. I'm really trying to understand him better and to give our M one last try. I should've seen it coming, but I guess I didn't realize how unhappy we had both become. I wanted to offer H an in-house separation, but I needed to know if you support this - you will always know him best....do you have any idea on how I could present this? I know he's comfortable living at home, and I can't compete with that!"
