Well, I'm in no way out with a vendetta against her. I don't want to ruin her life until she comes crawling back. I don't think that's healthy at all. If things did work out, I certainly wouldn't want to lord over her, bringing this up any time I wanted my way. Sandi, I 1000000% agree that every single problem that we've had as a couple, either dating or married is tied to that. I don't know why, but for all of my adult life, 16+, I was either too scared, or just plain too lazy to ever do anything about my lack of confidence when it came to big decisions or confrontations. It's kind of weird considering I have about 10+ years of theater background, including majoring in it at college, but when it came to real life situations, I would truly get stage fright. I always let problems pile up, pretend like they didn't exist and they'd just go away. Well, when we started living together, that didn't cut it. She got on me to get debts paid off and other adult things like that, that I would have otherwise just hid from. Well, even after our first bout with this last year and she told me flat out that she felt more like my mom than my lover, I still just kinda brushed it aside like it was no big deal. I guess the magnitude of this current situation, and the fact that it has all come back to attraction, it finally made me snap out of it. It all just kinda made sense to me. I guess it was kind of a grand epiphany. I want to be an adult, a husband, a father some day, and how I behave. . .none of that will ever happen for me, or it will be a poor substitute for the real thing. I know it's a whole new feeling for me, but I feel confident making important calls, talking to people, deciding on something as simple as what sounds good for dinner. I have finally figured out that being assertive doesn't mean people will be pissed off at you. I still am having to remind myself sometimes. "hey, not cool. you're thinking about NOT calling that credit card company about them overcharging you. Just do it you baby." But, I know I've woken up. . .I just don't know what to do with it and if it will make a difference at this point, when she's wrapped up in this online fling and talking about feelings of wanting to meet him.
