Number 8's Revelations, Mistakes, and New Methods

[Number 8]

Onthemountaintop, I now have several uninterrupted moments to think through your post and respond.

I have to say I'm impressed at your wonderfully positive nature. I've got the ADHD & some anxiety, too. It should lead to 100% negativity, but I find it to be a mixed bag of gifts and trials...

Thanks for saying that I have a positive nature. All I can say is--I try! The ADD can be a good or bad thing. I'm rarely bored since I have the daydreamy side of ADD, not the hyperactivity part. I can entertain myself for hours on end. On the other hand, I lose hours on end because I'm lost somewhere in the great beyond. The anxiety can counter the ADD by actually forcing me to worry. On the other hand, I now have a stomach ulcer. Mixed bag, for sure.

Too bad all these stories couldn't become some NY bestseller book and make us all rich!

Hmmmmm . . . I DO have an English degree. I suppose I could get to work on writing the book during my upcoming summer vacation.

I was thinking about a few things, they are just thoughts so take them with caution as I could be very wrong.

Consider:
- Your H might realize he may have ADHD or something similar. You telling him or hinting in the past would be like a reminder of how he is the man, but making less money and doing worse.

Interesting. I should carefully ponder how his possible ADD might tie in to his (now-known) feelings about the differences in our earnings and my steady career.

- If you think your life is bad, you might think depression is just acceptance of a screwed up situation.

Another interesting idea. And perhaps his leaving is deciding he no longer has to "accept" a screwed-up situation.

- I feel like running when I screw up. This is the hardest part in my sitch. I don't want to stay - I want to run away. Whether your H has ADHD or not, it may be that being apart has made him feel that he's no good at that game called M to you. Do you think you've been critical (even validly) over his life choices?

Why is running such an appealing option??? That's hard for me to understand intellectually and emotionally.

I'm sure he's felt unsuccessful in some ways (specifically--not being able to comfort me when my mother died, not following through on projects, promising to do things that never got done). Fortunately, I can't say that I've ever been what someone would call a nag about things. Only once did I express concern (probably about a year ago) about his changing jobs. It probably didn't matter what I said or how I said it. It still ignited some defensiveness, and I backpedaled as quickly as I could.

- If you made a list, what would your top 10 reasons be for him to want to leave? Have you meaningfully addressed them? How do you know that your reasons would be his, too?

I'll list a few things here that caused him to want to leave (in no particular order):
*my lack of emotional sharing
*the house never feeling like "his"; my reluctance to part with some things that were my mother's
*my over-involvement with work (including but not limited to bringing it home)
*my "lack of interest" in his hobbies or work (as perceived by him)
*money (not my feelings about how much he made; more along the lines of my maintaining a separate checking account in addition to our joint account)

I've addressed them as such (respectively):
*I've become more open with H emotionally. I have my second IC appointment tomorrow, and I'm sure to learn even more ways to avoid internalizing my feelings.
*I've packed up, donated, or thrown away some things that could go. I'm working on changing the appearance of the inside of the house (new hardwood floors, painting some rooms, rearranging furniture, etc.). The things I've changed have been things he and I discussed months ago, so I'm creating something that he would like. Also, I'll like the changes whether he lives here or not.
*I've decided to let some things with work go or wait. I don't bring nearly as much home, and I've been delegating more to my assistant (which was sooooo hard for me!). I have scarcely discussed work with H when we've talked.
*When we've talked, I've asked about specific things about his work or leisure activities. I listen to his responses.
*I have begun using the joint account for everything.

- Have you figured out what emotional needs of yours (and your husbands) haven't been met or poorly met? Were they met early in your R before marriage?

Through a book I've been reading, I've been working on his and my emotional needs and how they were or weren't met. I think they were met well before we married and even in the first year of our marriage. Just after we'd been married a year, my mother died. I don't think I was concerned with anyone or anything (including myself) for a long time after that. Overall, I'm becoming more aware of both our needs and how they could be better met if given the chance.

- Are you willing to do a 180 and show him physcial touch if he comes over? In other words, let him sit and then sit next to him in a way that says you are ready for a sexual relationship.

I am more than willing to do a 180 and show him physical touch. I just want the opportunity!

- Did you directly invite him back?

Yes, I told him that I wanted to come back so that we could work on things. He said that he didn't think things would ever change. He said (several times) that the easiest thing to do would be to come back, but he didn't want to come back and spend the rest of his life being unhappy.

However, to repeat what I've said and thought before, I can't imagine his NOT being happier being out of this house. He's staying at his mother's house in his childhood bedroom! He has none of the responsibilities that he had when he resided here! Who wouldn't be happier?

- Have you responded to his text and told him that you don't blame him for the termites? , I've read and I would agree that shame is a big issue in men. I remember trying to reconstruct our gate. Well, my W told me how awful it was and that I made it worse. She's right, but I did it trying to make it easier for her to open. I felt very embarrased and ashamed that I couldn't do it right and that became anger against her. Those interactions again and again cloud my judgement of what she says to the point that I misread things she says. I'm guessing again, but if your H in depression, he may be misreading things. If he seems offended, ask yourself if it would hurt to respond with reassuring (but not begging) comments.

I did respond to him. I said, "My dad doesn't think this is your fault. He didn't even utter a word about it. It made him use swear words because I have this infestation, not because of you. You did very well with the hand you had been dealt. I'm sorry you inherited such a mess. I appreciate all you did to help me and take care of the house." I don't know if this made a difference, though I'm sure he still felt some self-inflicted guilt.

Again, these are just thoughts. I'm just wondering and hoping to give you something to spark a way to make more deep interactions.

Thanks for your thoughts. I like things like this to get me thinking. I appreciate the time you put in to this post.