I know she was stalling with the more time thing. But, after she said that she didn't think we could stay married because it wasn't fair considering the fact that she was having these feelings about other people, she has really seemed to throw in the towel. I'm just getting really frustrated with her give up, there's no hope or point in trying, lazy attitude.
You may as well sit in front of a counselor or a group of married couples in a church or one of the popular marriage retreats. If she is comfortable of rationalizing this point of view to them, I guess your done.
That would be nice, but despite her mom, who she loves a ton, being a counselor, And working at a counselors office, she gave up on going last year. We went individually one time, together once, then, she said that she'd rather find her own person. So, I thought anything is Better than nothing. So, I gave her a week or so to find someone. I started asking If she had found anyone that seemed like a good fit. After a few times of her stalling, she started to get defensive about me asking, and eventually said that we'd be Better off fixing everything on our own. Did I mention that she is really lazy and scared or something when it comes to her emotions or ownng her actions or feelings if it doesn't involve sex or painting herself a good light.
I did see that my lack of a backbone on big issues not only made her less attracted to me, but paved the way for her to know just how much she could get away with.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You can have a backbone of steel and they will still do it. The only thing you can do is take away your time and financial commimttments to them. you can also report them to authorities if they are breaking any laws.
Thats about it. You can't make someone do something they don't want to do, there are leverages you can make, but for most situaions if they are going to run over your decisions, you can choose to leave or let them leave.
Well, I'm in no way out with a vendetta against her. I don't want to ruin her life until she comes crawling back. I don't think that's healthy at all. If things did work out, I certainly wouldn't want to lord over her, bringing this up any time I wanted my way. Sandi, I 1000000% agree that every single problem that we've had as a couple, either dating or married is tied to that. I don't know why, but for all of my adult life, 16+, I was either too scared, or just plain too lazy to ever do anything about my lack of confidence when it came to big decisions or confrontations. It's kind of weird considering I have about 10+ years of theater background, including majoring in it at college, but when it came to real life situations, I would truly get stage fright. I always let problems pile up, pretend like they didn't exist and they'd just go away. Well, when we started living together, that didn't cut it. She got on me to get debts paid off and other adult things like that, that I would have otherwise just hid from. Well, even after our first bout with this last year and she told me flat out that she felt more like my mom than my lover, I still just kinda brushed it aside like it was no big deal. I guess the magnitude of this current situation, and the fact that it has all come back to attraction, it finally made me snap out of it. It all just kinda made sense to me. I guess it was kind of a grand epiphany. I want to be an adult, a husband, a father some day, and how I behave. . .none of that will ever happen for me, or it will be a poor substitute for the real thing. I know it's a whole new feeling for me, but I feel confident making important calls, talking to people, deciding on something as simple as what sounds good for dinner. I have finally figured out that being assertive doesn't mean people will be pissed off at you. I still am having to remind myself sometimes. "hey, not cool. you're thinking about NOT calling that credit card company about them overcharging you. Just do it you baby." But, I know I've woken up. . .I just don't know what to do with it and if it will make a difference at this point, when she's wrapped up in this online fling and talking about feelings of wanting to meet him.
Nothing is going to get done until this thing with the OM is over. She's going to say that she's "tried", but let's face it...she can't be "trying" with you while going after another guy.
Take care of that first before doing anything else. She wants a "man" then you have to be THE man. Not in a d@ck kind of way, but be strong and assertive.
Sounds like that's what she was looking for in you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks for your imput. I do totally agree that if anything going to happen, she's got to stop this fantasy that she's wrapped herself up in online. I don't really know how to get her to realize that it's not trying when this is going on, but she says that she tried before it started with him and the two aren't related. That she doesn't know what else to do, that she's tried everything. I really don't believe that, but she hasn't budged one inch from that opinion.
I am certainly being more assertive and strong. I'm out of the house doing things, not pouting, taking care of what needs to get done. Just trying to be the man here, but so far, I have seen zero response from her.
You won't see any response. You have to do what you have to do anyway, hence the "180" as described on this board. I gave the advice of getting her in front of other marrieds in a church setting or in front of a marriage councelor. If she is comfortable airing what she's doing in front of them and explaining it, then you are mostly done.
People here have come back from much further. The bottom line is she has to want it, and she has to have and show remorse for her actions. Her actions over time will strip away at the confidence you do have. It is possible to maintain confidence in this tough situatoin, but you have to carve out a life completely free of her.
Well, I don't think she would admit what she's doing or even the real problems. From what I know, she's only talked about what she's doing to people that don't know me or her best friend that is 100% loyal to her and will always take her side.
