being cold and then will do something like above or talk about the future
I guess each situation is unique, so this might not apply, but I've found that with me (with my life issues) and my W (who has some self-esteem/depression/? issues), we've done things that might not make sense, but it felt right.
If he's trying to have sex, what are the outcomes? - You yell and say no...he feels rejected and can leave saying "she was a bi***". - You say not now, you don't feel the R is secure enough and he thinks "I get it, but I'm really wanting you now" - You say yes, reluctantly, and the sex sucks and he thinks "I knew it was better with OW but I tried" - You say yes, optomistically, and he says "that was fun" - You say yes, optomistically, and he says "I didn't expect to feel this good, why am I being such an a**"
Etc, etc.
The easy route is to use your anger. The hard one is to try to understand what you did right to make his affection/desire for you grow suddenly.
Remember, he may have some addiction or mental issues that are in part to blame.
You played with his hair, he was a bit drunk, etc. The timing and mood was there for him. Why not use it? That doesn't mean say yes, it could be "yes, when..."
My W said in Jan to D her right because I wasn't sure about reconciling and wanted more time. Time to her is like asking for chunks of her brain - she wanted security. I couldn't, so she told the kids we were getting a D unilatarally. Her bad. An hour later, she came to talk. I told her I'd rather reconcile before I'm ready that lose the chance. Still not ready, I was nervous. We ended off though ML. You know what, that is a major emotional need. I suddenly felt much better. Still nervous, but I wouldn't have got to month 7 had I not.
Again, I'm not saying to go sleep with him. I'm saying that if you meet his emotional needs, he'll meet more of yours in time. How often are we reminded that we can't be expecting good from the WAH/WAW?
Quote:
I look at my H and wonder where he went. I wish he would end all of this but I am wishing on a DEAD star.
You aren't wishing on a dead star, Luvless. I believe (please forgive me, this is a judgment) that you are very angry for good reasons, but I am pretty sure that he can feel and see that anger every day.
When he is nice, my guess is that he wants to be that way. When he is not, excluding drugs like alcohol, he is ashamed, scared, or just plain negative self-talking himself into it.
RE the swearing, the last week has been a rough one for W and I. She wants me to stop a behaviour that I've been doing since I was 12. I have been told by my IC, divorce counsellor, and my doc that it will take a while. She's given me 6 months and said if it ever happened again, she would immediately D me. This threat hangs over me and sent me into depression for a couple days. I deserve her anger, my sin is mine and it did affect her. While I didn't know she was affected, she was. Her threat has got me all wound up. I'm swearing at her when we fight, getting meaner and madder. I'm also rougher on my kids. Once, I swore at one of them with an insult for her rudeness because of her mother. I now remember to apologize unlike last year, and I have a understandable reason, but that certainly doesn't make it right.
You've known him for 23yrs. Do you think he wants to swear at them? I'm thinking that if he didn't do it 2yrs ago, he feels guilty about it. Instead of confronting, consider making it a short comment as you pass between rooms, "I know you were probably really stressed out, and you normally never swear at the kids. I think it would help the kids if you tried harder, like you used to do, not to ever swear at them."
Men just do things we regret later. When we're angry/scared/threatened, we are either fighing, or flighting. Women do to. The ways are different, but they happen.
So going back, in Retrouv they said some stuff that [i]might reawaken your dying star if you wanted to try them.[/i] - Love is a decision. This means if you choose to love him, you are going to love him unconditionally. Hate the action buried deep within the person you love. If you show love, and he doesn't, it doesn't matter. It isn't a contest, but if you did anyway, you'd be the winner.
- Commitment. You want him to commit. So commit to the M. If he wants a D, let him file (his failure to commit, not yours). If he is abusive, call the police (get him help).
- Forgiveness. Not forgetting, but forgiving. If the baggage of the past is still there because he keeps repeating the sin, then you are just adding to the wall between you. He hasn't left. He may be a part of your life for a while as your kids grow up (no matter what). Looking for the reasons (or asking) can help understand why he acted a certain way. You also need time to heal from damages caused. Forgiveness & healing can't happen though until the decision to forgive is there. Why forgive now? Because it will help you get on with your life and give a chance at helping your H recognize you are better than he can get from any other woman.
- Trust. Hard to do in your sitch for everything. What can you trust in him now? Does he still bring home the bacon? Does he still take care of the yard? Find out what areas you can trust.
As always, just opinions Luvless. It is your house and H.
