I see what you mean Kalni. I guess I am guilty of some of the same things that you describe about yourself in the past. But I was also challenging myself to accept him, to make peace with reality, to change what I could change, etc. Unfortunately I wasted a lot of time and energy on cheeseless tunnels.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Unfortunately I wasted a lot of time and energy on cheeseless tunnels.
You wouldn't know they were cheeseless unless you had tried. I wonder if some tunnels are only cheeseless at some times of a R, too. I didn't feel love for my W until this year, so many of my tunnels would've been cheeseless or not possible to enter. Now, it is a different landscape.
Trying can't be a waste. It might not help, but it is what separates us from those who just accept, run, hide, or demand an immediate D.
A memoir based on the NYT article by that author. Basically about a woman who DBs (without calling it that) her way through her H's MLC. She's quite a role model for the LBW and she has an inspiring message that we can choose not to suffer. The story has a "happy ending" too.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
flowmom, Help me out, here. After reading your post, the article itself, and some of the subsequent posts, I think I'm not quite getting it. Is the "Fantasy Relationship" the fantasy that one's spouse thinks (or hopes or expects) that you - or your relationship - should be, or is it referring to the potential trap of an EA fantasy relationship?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Flomom, I think you stated you are a biologist, right? Do you do scientific research? Because I love the way you examine and look at things. To me, like a scientist. You seem to clearly identifiy issues, really throughly research things over, analyze it and then make decisions based not on emotion but wise judgement. I really admire you style of DBing.
It seems that you making decisions not out of fear but out of thoughtful insight.
I think your insights about hubby seems dead on. I like your plan about the co-parenting meeting. Seems smart.
I really have no wise insight or comments.
The only thing I can do is refer back to my situation. I lived in the day. I did no "what if" thinking (ok, I did occasionally) but accepted the way it was right away. C'est la vie, it is what it is. I never changed my strong mantra that I am for the marriage. I only wavered towards the end and stated that I would proably file a D eventually and let everyone know that my hubby was done and I really tried hard. Then he wavered....
Personally, I would often see signs of hubby wanting to recommit only to be burned. At the end I decided that hubby was done and was at peace with it. His desire to start over shocked me to be honest. I did not see it coming, honestly.
So, I guess I can say one thing. Behind the steeley facade I think they still are watching and evaluating you still. My hubby was really, really done. I knew that, my changed actions and confidence and regardless of the outcome did slowly draw him back. I never questioned my efforts b/c I did it for my children and myself. So that I would have peace in my heart that I really gave the M everything I had. That it really was all his fault that we were done. I could come out feeling "clean" of all wrongdoings (if I am making sense here).
I think most people DB with the goal too focused on what will get their spouse to return. I think it has to be focused on positive changes for youself and better interactions.
I often felt that our MC was not the greatest but she did say one thing that was very insightful. She stated that if you are off elsewhere (metaphorically speaking), content and happy and living an active life, not focused on your spouse. They will start to get interested in what you are up to and it can draw them back towards you.... Not sure if I am explaining that well...
Anyhow, liking you game plan...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
flowmom, Help me out, here. After reading your post, the article itself, and some of the subsequent posts, I think I'm not quite getting it. Is the "Fantasy Relationship" the fantasy that one's spouse thinks (or hopes or expects) that you - or your relationship - should be, or is it referring to the potential trap of an EA fantasy relationship?
Gardener, I think that the article refers to comparing a real spouse to some imagined ideal, not to an EA with a real person.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Flomom, I think you stated you are a biologist, right? Do you do scientific research? Because I love the way you examine and look at things. To me, like a scientist.
I am a biologist and did research for my MSc. Now I do impact assessement type work, not research. Thanks for the compliment. It's a blessing and a curse. I like to analyze situations, but ultimately it's a control issue -- trying to control things by understanding them. I often end up in analysis paralysis.
Thanks for sharing what reconciliation looked like for you. I really admire that you kept your focus on yourself. It reminds me of the picnic story. There's a lot of dignity in living your life to the fullest rather than desperately attempting to change someone who feels done.
I have an appt tomorrow with the new IC (miracle worker psychologist recommended by L). I want to work on the blocks that I have to moving forward with my life. I'm excited that she is a child specialist and has worked with children who have autism because I'm hoping she can give me some insight on that side of things.
Last edited by flowmom; 04/13/1003:03 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Flowmom, did you ever get the chance/decide to apologize for not being able to keep him from getting burned when he tried to work it out?
I am confused by this... I don't think Flow om should apologize IMO. I am confused here...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
