Kalni, I have told H that I need space, that I cannot be around him right now.
IDK what I want to know - maybe WHY. I have all of these questions running through my head. Why did he do it? Why didn't he talk to me if he was unhappy? Why was he so unwilling to work on things with me? I'm sure the answers have everything to do with him being in the fog. I guess I just need to let it go for now and not focus on why, but instead focus on the blessings in my life.
To answer your question, no I don't need more info to make me more upset. I guess I just feel like this has gone on for so looooong and I was looking for anwers and closure or something. But details probably won't bring closure, just more pain.
PH, I ordered "Not Just Friends" this weekend. It has shipped so I should have it soon. Come on snail mail, I need that book badly!
I thought about the key logger to see if H is now telling the truth. The past couple of months, he has acted like he might want to come home. I thought the key logger might help me to see if he is being sincere or just feeding me more lies. I also thought it would help me to know if the A has really ended. But then again, I don't need the nitty gritty details. I'm having a hard enough time with just confirmation of the cheating, let alone details.
PDT, gambling could be an issue. That's a whole different mess though. IDK if it's a problem, I just know he does it.
Gnosis, I do need to refocus. At one point, I was doing great with finding happiness in myself and DD and looking at the wonderful things in my life - I gotta try to get back there. It's so hard bc my head is clouded with horrible, depressing thoughts. I have so much anger flowing inside of me and it's toxic, I need a better outlet for dealing with it. It makes me short on patience and leads to frustration at the smallest, dumbest things. I'm so much better than that! My personality is usually really upbeat, happy and enthusiastic - this is draining me.
I'm so glad summer is almost here. I need to see sunshine and need to relax outside - finding joy in the small things again. Going to the zoo with DD, hanging out with my neighbors on the wkends, taking DD to the playground, going for walks and bike rides - that sort of stuff.
I wonder what H is thinking about me not contacting him. He's said, "I know you don't want to talk to me." Does it bother him? I guess it doesn't matter - it's just one of the hundreds of thoughts running through my head.
Gotta run for now. DD wants to go outside.
Thank you for the support. I haven't told anyone but you guys about H's cheating. It's good to let it out.
Me: 34 H: 34 DD: 3 M: 8 yrs H moved out Oct. 2008, "not happy" "don't know what I want" "will always love you, but not in love with you" PA Bomb: April 5, 2010
