The tunnel of darkness

[Mila]

K - I've been attending the rebuilding classes that are offered through my divorce/separation support group. Now that my WH wants to R, I have been contemplating if I should continue. I think that I will at least for now.

[kjensen]

Hi Mila,
It seems like alot of the people at these classes are in all kinds of places: thinking about separating/divorce, in the middle of getting a divorce, been divorced for awhile and dealing with the aftermath...

I think in a way this class is a nice complement to the divorce-busting model-getting a life, figuring out what went wrong/how you contributed, looking at harmful patterns/polarizations in order to avoid them in the future..looking inwardly rather than externally for help/growth... So..I think even though things are improving with you H, its only going to help YOU by continuing the class and if it helps YOU then it can help the R.

Looking at your time frame of events...be aware its all happening pretty fast for your H to come around and stay.....My H did the same thing after OW dumped him(came home/made an effort)...but 6 months later he filed for divorce even though we were in MC and I thought doing pretty well....

Looking back with a little more persepective-I think my H came home too soon after the OW. I don't think he ever made a formal recomittment to me or really made a good effort in MC with our "homework". I think he still is dealing with guilt and was projecting alot of his shame onto me-as if it was coming from me(which it was not)... He is still very lost in some ways, right now.

So..just remember to take care of YOUrself!

[kjensen]

Oh..Just thought I'd let you all know who've been reading along with me this past year...

I was in the hair salon on Saturday with D12. She got a haircut and I got some color...In walks the OW and her two children!

I knew OW went to the same salon, although usually on Fridays. My hairstylist, who is a friend, knew of my situation and looked at me in the mirror and mouthed (Oh!)..

I recognized OW from her FB picture and the fact that she had a tattoo on her calf(the first thing I saw and it just clicked who she was)...

I don't think she noticed or knew me or D12...It just threw me. Brought some emotions of hurt and rejection to the surface that I thought had really diminished more, but I did OK. Didn't interact with her and left with D12 when I was done.

Outside I asked D12 if she knew who the lady was with the (loud) kids-only b/c my hairstylist and I had been acting a bit funny after seeing OW and D12 had been watching OW and her kids closely while waiting for me...D12 didn't recognize OW ... but when I told her the lady was OW, D12 said "You should smash her car!" D12 has such anger! I said I wasn't angry(and I wasn't!) and that forgiveness is important and I hoped she would get there someday. I explained that H and I were not getting a divorce b/c of OW. I reminded D12 that H had moved home and we were doing OK but H still had some growing to do and couldn't do it married to me... She settled down a bit. I hope she does learn to forgive her father someday soon.

[Mila]

Oh my K, that must have been though to run into the OW. You did a great job explaining the situation to your D. It's not always easy to stay positive and to be objective when it comes to the OP. You don't have to (and I don't) hate her but I certainly don't think much of her character.

You are doing all the right things, you should be proud of yourself.

K - I'm very much "on guard" with my H. He's been in MLC for about 4 years and I already went through one false reconciliation.

It may seem that my situation is progressing fast, but it's been already a year since his affair started. The first 6 months I didn't know about it, but my H was already gone and I felt it, I was fighting a loosing battle, not knowing why his behavior towards me has changed so much and I was trying to turn it around and it just wasn't working.

Once I found out about the affair it all blew to pieces, I cried, begged, pleaded, negotiated....all the wrong things, nothing helped - he left for the first time. Came back month and half later when OW wouldn't leave her H, said all the right things but didn't keep any promises, wouldn't work on R, continued lying and the contact with OW continued throughout his false comeback. I had a very strong gut feeling that it wasn't over.

When she finally decided to leave her H, he left again. He was just waiting for her the whole time. By that time I was DBing, I stopped fighting it and told him that he is free to go.

For the next 3 months they had what they wanted all along. They have left their families and were together...were they happy? No. The fairy-tail "love" started to unravel and they both looked miserable. My guess is that the rose colored glasses came off and the reality had sunk in. OW is back home with her H and my H wants to R.

The way he behaves now feels 100% different from the first time he wanted to come home. It "feels" right. But of course I'm worried. I told him that I still love him, but he has to work out all of his "demons" first. He is definitely in depression. I'm watching and taking it slowly. He may be out of Replay, but he is not done with his MLC. I'm hoping that we can do the rest of that Journey together.

Wishing you all the best, I sure hope that both of us will be successful in saving our marriages, but I also know that we will be OK in any case.

[trustingfaith]

KJ - You handled running into OW well. I think I would have felt more like your D in wanting to smash her car.:) Your D (both of them actually) have a lot they need to process and work through and it will take time, probably a lot. You did a great job explaining to her that OW was not the reason you were getting a D. I know you wish your H would wake up and see the pain that he is causing.

I hope you are doing well and are healing.

(((hugs)))