So how do I lower my expectations? Expect the worse basically?
Its hard to see him as the unwell one when I tend toward believing I am the unwell one. I believe all his statements that things are my fault. It's hard to believe he is the unwell one. But that will definitely help.
ok, so you KNOW I'm no expert here. But for me it's kind of like the Buddhist thing of letting go of your attachments to outcomes. The more we're attached to something, the more it hurts us when we don't get it (this is why FM and others are talking about detachment). It gives them power over us when we have high hopes/expectations and they're not met over and over again- it doesn't hurt them, it hurts us. Repeatedly. And saps our strength.
I don't mean to expect the worst- maybe it's a fine line- I think I mean to expect nothing right now. Not for him, for YOU, it's all for YOU. You will find other care for your S so you're not disappointed when he's not available. You will not rely on him for things he's been unreliable in before. You will not count on him for any emotional support or boosting. You will line up these things elsewhere, get your support from other sources. If he comes through and surprises you, wonderful - if you even choose to receive whatever he's offering. That's outcome #2 (#1 being he does nothing and you're not disappointed b/c you weren't expecting anything of him anyway). Where I'm out of my league is regarding S. It seems like you *should* have expectations of him there, for S's sake, not your sake. You are going to try to not let H hurt you anymore, as much as possible. But it's also unacceptable for him to hurt S. I'm sure someone wise will chime in here about this and how to deal with it.
But I guess in my mind, what I'm talking about in general is taking away- at least for now- his power to hurt and disappoint you. He keeps wounding you- and you (sorry- wish I'd more time to put this nicer) keep letting him do that over and over with your expectations that he will change or do something differently. It's killing us to watch this, not to mention what it's doing to your strength and self-care. And when those diminish, you and S suffer, not H. Do not let him affect you like this anymore. If you have to, get angry that he has had so much power to affect your mood and well-being by a tiny action or non-action on his part. My cheesy Buddhist-type metaphor is: instead of being the leaf that goes haywire and spins and churns whenever there's the slightest ripple in the pond, become the rock that's buried in the earth that water laps at but doesn't really move or affect. You can see the ripples- they might tickle a little bit- but... you are the ROCK.
(edited to add this)
And Hope- I will repeat this 1000 times if you need me to: it is not all your fault. All of us have done things that have helped bring us to where we are today, but there is another very strong player there for all of us who has helped bring us here as much or more than we have. Him saying it's all your fault- as you know- is his way of not taking any responsibility for his actions and his contributions, probably b/c subconsciously he feels very badly about them, but will never admit that to you or to himself. If you need to, write a list of all the things you've done RIGHT in all these years. Read it when you need to, to remind yourself.
((Hope))
Last edited by alice444; 04/12/1008:17 PM.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
You know the phrase I had been hearing in my childhood from American movies "just the facts madam" ? That's what I did (never acually managed it completely but I was close for a while).
You state facts re your son, schedules, chores, plans whatever and you dont ASSUME anything. You block your thoughts till he comes back to you with an asnwer. You STOP thinking of the two of you as "an item" because you are no longer one, you SHOULD KEEP your expectations to be treated respectfully the same way you expect that from a business associate, you strip all convos and interactions with him from any emotion, fake it at first, perfect it, then feel it.
Have you ever slow cooked a meal in the oven for hours for a dinner? You prepare it, get anxious about the outcome but the minute you stick it in, you dont bother anymore, you check from time to time, but you dont try it the first few hours because YOU KNOW it isnt done. You cant force it, if you turn up the heat, you will porbably destroy it, you know it's cooking but you go take a shower, make salads, set the table... Ok, maybe a bad example, I 'll try a worse one, have you waited outside an operation room for someone you love? You just accept it is no longer in your powers to do anything. You hope for the best, but you dont know what will happen. I had to do that for both my parents. The minute I accepted it was not in my hands, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
Accepting your only control is over what you do with yourself is the trick IMO.That way, the expectations will be about yourself, not about him.
I've done the poking, baiting, provoking, attacking, reasoning, begging, explaining, promising, hoping, mindreading etc etc. It didnt work. He moved out and I continued. I dropped the rope, he was curious. I felt happy, he was intrigued. I looked good, he was attracted. Silly I know, so much time wasted but not for me. People that generally dont like playing games like myself, find this process fake and not natural. But it is happening over and over again. Your only chance to have a chance is to be smart about it. Have a strategy instead of allowing him to throw you off balance, use your brain, not your heart.
At first, we are all taken by a surprise, but as of now my dear, you no longer have any excuses. You have got to play your cards wisely. K
My H said that he has had chest pain, insomnia, woke up in sweats, was dazed and confused, locked his keys in the car (several times) and drove the wrong way constantly. He works in the emergency room. He was scared to death he was going to kill someone. He was 39.
If your H is a pilot, behaviour like this may kill him. And he knows it.
Someday, way in the future, you may be lucky enough to hear for yourself and you will KNOW--Your H was NOT WELL during this time! It is as scary for them as it is for you. They just handle it differently.
Detach, detach, no expectations, detach, and give him some space to get better! And YOU get better!! Start the UPWARD spiral--he can not do it--he has no DB board to go to, no internet friends to cheer him on in the right direction--how do you expect him to do this if YOU don't start??
J, that was one of the most powerful replies I've read lately. You're such a strong and intelligent woman!
Quote:
My cheesy Buddhist-type metaphor is: instead of being the leaf that goes haywire and spins and churns whenever there's the slightest ripple in the pond, become the rock that's buried in the earth that water laps at but doesn't really move or affect. You can see the ripples- they might tickle a little bit- but... you are the ROCK.
Wow, I needed to read that for my own sitch. Not cheesy at all.
H4L, I'll try to catch up on your sitch soon.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
H says he's never going back to the misery that was our relationship. What good is LRT any more: even with as dim as I've been he's more resolved than ever. Got slammed tonight after MC about all the ways I've messed up.
So hard to believe he is not well when he is yelling at me convincing me I'm not worth it. If he believes I'm not well then maybe he's right and i"m wrong.
I'll keep tryiing the dim but it makes no difference any more; his mind is made up. It'll just be letting him run away from everything.
