Spouse Suffering From Depression

[Lucky11too]

Awest - I definitely appreciate your input. Thank you. I agree about going dark and that shouldn't be an issue finally b/c I think my anger is finally getting to a point where enough is enough. I will answer questions regarding S (I don't ever want to put S in the middle of our issues), but I definitely don't see any reason to contact H and really, I deserve an apology from him first for those very hurtful and untrue comments. I still can't believe he had the nerve to say that he can't count on me after everything I've done and continue to do for him. Just boils my blood. Despite everything he has put me thru, I'm the only one who has been there for him! Arrg. It's all just so ridiculous that it's almost funny in an ironic sort of way.

I really don't believe there is an OW, but I could just be naive. Unless OW happened this weekend, I have reason to believe I was the only woman in his life for now. I think it is part of his depression cycle(we were way past due for a meltdown!), but that still doesn't give him the excuse to talk to me like that. If that's the case, he needs to get this under more control, so we don't have these breakdowns. It's frustrating that he keeps waiting on this surgery as the magic lifesaver, but what if it doesn't work? Or what if it works for the sleep apnea but not the rest of the mental issues. What then? Unfortunatley, I don't think H plans that far ahead.

I think I have most of my answers from when I talked to the L the first time (she had said the same thing about me getting more than I thought in child support and how H was crazy for thinking he would get 50/50 custody), so I think my next step would to be to just go thru with it, but I'm obviously not there yet. For me, I told myself that I would give H until his year end deadline as long as some progress was continuing to be made. If this is a small setback, then fine, but there has to be some learning and growing from this b/c I will not live my life like this for the next 8 months. If anything, I hope it will give me the strength to set the boudaries I need to make, since I was obviously too scared to ruin something that was going good before, that I didn't make those boundaries. I feel like now if he tries to come back, I can say yes, but we need to come to an understanding on a few things - most importantly, opening up all aspects of his life to me and not having these secrets. What other boundaries would you suggest?

Obviously of course what is best for me and S, particularly S, is to have one unified family. It breaks my heart to think about S having to be thrown back and forth between the two of us, missing family holidays, and being away from his mom to a dad he hardly knows. It's just not going to be a good situation. But I can't force H to be that husband or father that he needs to be. He always says how much he loves S, then why can't he make this sacrifice (if being home with your wife and child is called a sacrifice) to do what's best for him? Just so frustrating. What a lemon of an H!