ok, so you KNOW I'm no expert here. But for me it's kind of like the Buddhist thing of letting go of your attachments to outcomes. The more we're attached to something, the more it hurts us when we don't get it (this is why FM and others are talking about detachment). It gives them power over us when we have high hopes/expectations and they're not met over and over again- it doesn't hurt them, it hurts us. Repeatedly. And saps our strength.

I don't mean to expect the worst- maybe it's a fine line- I think I mean to expect nothing right now. Not for him, for YOU, it's all for YOU. You will find other care for your S so you're not disappointed when he's not available. You will not rely on him for things he's been unreliable in before. You will not count on him for any emotional support or boosting. You will line up these things elsewhere, get your support from other sources. If he comes through and surprises you, wonderful - if you even choose to receive whatever he's offering. That's outcome #2 (#1 being he does nothing and you're not disappointed b/c you weren't expecting anything of him anyway). Where I'm out of my league is regarding S. It seems like you *should* have expectations of him there, for S's sake, not your sake. You are going to try to not let H hurt you anymore, as much as possible. But it's also unacceptable for him to hurt S. I'm sure someone wise will chime in here about this and how to deal with it.

But I guess in my mind, what I'm talking about in general is taking away- at least for now- his power to hurt and disappoint you. He keeps wounding you- and you (sorry- wish I'd more time to put this nicer) keep letting him do that over and over with your expectations that he will change or do something differently. It's killing us to watch this, not to mention what it's doing to your strength and self-care. And when those diminish, you and S suffer, not H. Do not let him affect you like this anymore. If you have to, get angry that he has had so much power to affect your mood and well-being by a tiny action or non-action on his part. My cheesy Buddhist-type metaphor is: instead of being the leaf that goes haywire and spins and churns whenever there's the slightest ripple in the pond, become the rock that's buried in the earth that water laps at but doesn't really move or affect. You can see the ripples- they might tickle a little bit- but... you are the ROCK.

(edited to add this)

And Hope- I will repeat this 1000 times if you need me to: it is not all your fault. All of us have done things that have helped bring us to where we are today, but there is another very strong player there for all of us who has helped bring us here as much or more than we have. Him saying it's all your fault- as you know- is his way of not taking any responsibility for his actions and his contributions, probably b/c subconsciously he feels very badly about them, but will never admit that to you or to himself. If you need to, write a list of all the things you've done RIGHT in all these years. Read it when you need to, to remind yourself.

((Hope))

Last edited by alice444; 04/12/10 08:17 PM.
When the men on the chessboard
Get up and tell you where to go;
And you've just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving slow;
Go ask Alice...
I think she'll know.