Monday, Monday... (you know, I picked up my guitar yesterday, after not touching it for a few weeks, and starting playing around witht that song it has a surprising number of key changes)

V1olin - yeah. It is really hard to reconcile, isn't it? It's easy to think to myself, the W that I knew is gone, but it's more organic, subtle than that. The W I knew made a choice. And I'm sure in her mind, the fact that she had initiated the divorce meant that she was not obligated to keep promises to me, and that it was OK to lie. Wasn't my concern what she was doing, right? And she looked me directly in the eye too. In the end, she said that she was sorry not for what she did, but that she made a promise to me that she wasn't able to keep (which was staying away from OM while we were living in the same house and going through the seperation).

The truth is, there's the part of me that loves her, sure, but now there's a part of me that's really disgusted by her - by her lying, by her choice of the man she went off with, all that. She told me recently that she had thought she was in love. I didn't respond to that, but at this point she looks to me like an immature, self-absorbed person. When I've said to her in the past that I'm appalled by her choices, she says I don't get it. And honestly, when she says I don't get it, kind of proves to me in my mind that she doesn't get it. That her values, how she respects family, honors relationships and loved ones - they are different than mine.

So, W dropped off the boys last night, and the tax documentation from the CPA to be signed, and was like a tornado coming in and out, frazzled and in a bad temper. I asked why she was so mad, and besides being tired and a bunch of other stuff she spat out, she said - now SHE's the one doing visitation.

It's funny, the difference between knowing something is true (all the stuff Karen has been saying) and feeling that it's true.

I'm to the point I really don't want her in the house. Don't want her there in the morning, don't want her there in the afternoon. Her point is that it's easier on the kids, they don't have to get up as early, they can do their homework at home, etc. But I'm starting to get annoyed that she comes in in the morning and switches on MY TV that I had to replace after she took the other one. That I have to deal with the messes the boys make while she's watching them at the house (though, boys make messes, and it is their home). It's nice that she prepares dinner for us, but I'm kind of getting to the point where I feel, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of that. Honestly, I think I'm doing a great job with everything for the boys and the house. And it does feel like my space now.

Perhaps I'm on the cusp of really knowing what I want. Well, rather feeling what I want. I don't want this woman complicating my life anymore.

Yeah, there's that part of me that's still, "what if...", and "it would be better for everyone if..." But I'm kind of tired of turning that over in my mind every time she struggles with her decisions.

Thinking it would be a good idea just to say, I'm ready to sign. Let's review the papers and get them back to the mediator.

Plus, if she's really struggling with all this, I worry that she may back out. I like being back in my house. I like having the boys there at night. This is a good arrangement for me. Still not sure about money with the support payments, but I can make that work I think.

Will sit on this for awhile, but think I'm close to saying, sorry, I need to move forward.