embracing change

[rr22]

OTOH, he will feel "guilted" by any expectation that he acknowledge/address the children's issues and I don't know how long I can let him off the hook of having to deal with that.



Maybe he could go to coparenting alone so you get disassociated from that "guilting" but he gets the info. he needs to have for the children's sake. Not sure. Just an idea.

[flowmom]

OTMT, I wish that Retrouvaille was an option for us. I don't think that H would consider it at this point. Also, neither of us are Christian, but H would actually have quite a problem with anything Christian-based, after having had his parents push religion on him for many years.

[Onthemountaintop]

We aren't Christian either. There have been aethiests and all sorts of faiths, so for the religious parts, we've just done some doodling. There aren't that many religious parts, especially on the weekend. If you just go to the weekend, the cost and time is low. There are 'non-denominational' Retrou weekends, but I don't know what those are like.

His parents might love you for it thinking you've suddenly been saved! (Kidding...)

If you wish it Flo, make it a possiblity. Sell yourself a bit on it, then give it a try. Him saying no isn't a failure. Not trying is.

[rr22]

I don't know if Gno is right or Kalni is right. It's hard to say when there's hope and when there's not. The "not wanting to give you false hope" proclamation complicates things. I've read that in other people's sitches on this board.

[rr22]

I like OldPilot's point that what you do being the same thing now regardless of the ultimate outcome. I also appreciate that if you had a crystal ball you would feel better because you could better prepare mentally for what's coming. Limbo hurts

[flowmom]

From the article Handling a Fantasy Relationship:

How do you know if you are immobilized by a fantasy relationship?

If you are trying to make a current relationship healthier and happier for you and your partner, yet feel that you are stuck, consider the following factors to determine if a fantasy relationship is the emotional block:

· Do you blame your partner for real or imagined negligence?

· Is your partner giving you feedback that you are constantly giving double messages, “damned if you do and damned if you don't” ultimatums, saying one thing and meaning another?

· Are you chronically daydreaming about the way things “should be” in the relationship?

· Do you have a tendency to fly off the handle with every little annoying thing your partner does?

· Do you put your partner in the witness box as the defendant and become a prosecuting attorney asking leading, probing, demanding questions unmercifully?

· Are you chronically unhappy, depressed, and discouraged whenever you are in your partner's presence even when your partner is committed to trying to work things out with you?

· Are you finding it difficult to let go of the past mistakes, hurts, and misdeeds of your partner? Are you unable to forgive and forget?

· Do you resent having to repeat your wants, needs, and expectations for the relationship to your partner because you think your partner should already know and be aware of them?

· Do you seem to discount or ignore the small efforts at change made by your partner on behalf of the relationship?

· Just when you think you and your partner are going to make it do you find yourself slipping back or relapsing into angry outbursts and recriminations concerning a minor infraction or error, overreacting?

If you answered “yes” to one or more of the above questions, a fantasy relationship may be the root of your relationship problems.

The above quotation really captures what I believe my H has been going through for the past few years. It really helps me to see all of this written out in words, because it's something that I sensed for a long time.

I have been making a lot of excuses for my H: depression, life stress, etc. But I am actually not as readily able to excuse the choice to indulge in a fantasy R. It shows lack of moral fiber and I don't respect that. If H has been living in that fantasy world, then he is a big disappointment to me, as a husband and as a father.

The author of the article is the same one as the detachment article, and he has many other articles posted here.

[ImprovedRomeo]

That's an interesting article. I skimmed through it. I hate to admit but parts of it was me and parts of it was W.

I think we are all mature enough to express our feelings to our partners and help them understand what makes us tick and vice-versa. A lot of the M issues can be solved with plain old communication and TLC.

[Kalni]

flo,
reading that article, well..., it felt like you were describing me. Me of the past and me of the last 3-4 months. I quit doing almost all of these things because they werent working for me anymore and guess what, the last month the change is huge. Good people (and I am a good person, please believe me ) can fall in the trap of the phantasy when they feel discouraged.
K

[flowmom]

Good people (and I am a good person, please believe me ) can fall in the trap of the phantasy when they feel discouraged.

Thanks for saying that Kalni. Perhaps I'm being too harsh. But I'm guessing that your marriage wouldn't stand a chance unless you had made the choice to abandon the fantasy.

[Kalni]

Well, flo, I didnt mean it qute the way you "got" it. I meant the fantasy of a better life, not of a person (the person was not a fantasy, it was reality for me) I did all those things before he got into an A, remember, I think I have told you as well, I was far from being the perfect partner, still, never cheated or thought even of cheating on him. I was stuck in resentment, unable to move forward or change things. I tried and tried the same things over and over... became bitter, mean, snappy.

Nothing jsutifies his behavior, NOTHING, there is no way, his behavior can be presented as a result of my doing, but I understand, I understood from day one, the shock woke me up, and then, I was stuck for months with the question "why wouldnt he give us a chance, since I had gotten it why wouldnt he?" I couldnt believe the family he was tearing apart. OW was the missing piece of the puzzle back then...

Grrr, thinking of her, makes me mad... OK, counting,1, 2, 3, 4,5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10...
K