W still wants separation, need to DB more

[OfficerInNeed]

Understood. Other thread is now locked that is why I created a new thread.

I understand what you are saying. The phone calls had stopped weeks back now but yes, she is not aware of the conversations that did take place leading up to that point.

I have come a long way from the controlling person I once was and I am still working on improving that part of me. The past two days I had the opportunity to put myself to the test. TO help myself overcome what consumed me in the past.

1. My W went to a benefit for a person at work. In the past I would have opposed this and she would just not had went. Just before she left I told her to "Enjoy yourself" and that is something I would had NEVER said in the past and I meant it. I did not want her going feeling like I was at home upset. I wanted her to have a good time.

2. Today my W and I talked and she told me how she was having a conversation with a group of people from work and how a co-worker (male) had said something funny and it made her laugh. In the past I would had got extremely jealous. Today, it actually made me laugh as she told me and the conversation went well.

I have come to the understanding that I cannot control another human being and ultimately she will do what she wants with or with out me and I can only hope it is with me. I had such a twisted perspective on life and our relationship that mentally is was unhealthy. I am now have a strong understanding of what it takes to make a relationship work (a great one).

I will come clean I just have to think of the best way to approach her about it.

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On another note. I spoke with a DB coach for the first time today. It went well. It was suggested that I take a counter-intuitive approach, such as:

W: Tells me what a terrible person I use to be and how bad I hurt her.

Response: You are right, I WAS a terrible person.

Reason: Validates the way she feels. Not making it about me and the changes I made but rather let her know she has the right to feel the way she does and I don't think she is in the wrong.

W: Tells me she is leaving, she wants out, wants a separation

Response: I just want you to be happy.

Reason: Lets her know it is her happiness I have in mind. Not me being selfish. Do NOT encourage her leaving but let her know all I want is for her to be happy.

Giving our our history and our sitch I was told the following may get positive results.

1. Don't pressure her about R/M or the future (Which I have not done in a long time)

2. Do loving acts that get positive response. I am so worried about pursuit that I am not sure what I should or should not do. There are things that some would consider pursuit but in our case generated a positive response.

3. My W pushes my buttons, because she knows what buttons to push. I need to reprogram my buttons. W does it to validate that I am still the same old person. If I reprogram those buttons (I know what they are) and not react the way she expects then she will see she is dealing with a different person.