Lotus, you are correct. That’s why I posted that DSD16 would be a good one to go for it. Her twin, DSS16 would be on daddy’s side, because boys stick together. The oldest, DSS20, would side with me because I am like a true mother to him, but he’d have a very, very hard time sticking with it and once H told him how he doesn’t love me, our love just died, etc, he’d take daddy’s side. It would tear him apart to make him choose like that. DSD16, however, is very close to me and girls stick together and I know she’d side with me now and forever. She’s been told enough – I told her that daddy is going through a mid life crisis of sorts, and she knows from her friends talking that sometimes that means buying new toys and sometimes getting a new mommy… and she candidly told me she’s been preparing for that day if daddy ever brings another woman home. She’s planning on calling her a hoe and asking constantly “where’s W” and not being nice. Now, I did not encourage this talk, but I understood it, and I tell you honestly, I laughed inside when I heard her prattling on about what she was going to do if daddy ever cheated on me with another woman. He would NOT be happy with her, but she said she’d be prepared to do anything to “bring me back.”
In any case, I went home at lunch and spoke to H about a few things. I told him that I am not controlling him, or trying to be his mother, but there are a few things he needs to know. I’m letting him know the whole truth and he can do with it what he will. I said that I’ve been protecting him from the truth for a while now, and I don’t know why I did that. I was trying to protect the children, but by association, was protecting him also. The truth is, I told him, that the kids KNOW when you sneak into the house at 4:30 in the morning. Don’t think they don’t. DSS20 is up at that hour, or if he isn’t, his window is right next to the front door. When he is out all night, the whole house sleeps lightly and we HEAR him come in. He tries to sneak, but it’s so LOUD. I told him that for months now, the kids have been asking what’s wrong with Daddy, and they notice his drinking. DSD16 told me very clearly yesterday that she was worried about Daddy drinking and driving and us not being able to get in touch with him. I told him he blew off Sunday dinner, refused to answer DSD’s text, blew off boy scouts and blew off picking up DSS20 from work.
I then told him that I had changed the locks on the apartment, and our tenant had had enough and is moving out. (not paying anyway, so it’s good for us as we can rent it now)
I told him that right now, I’ve been balancing our R with my self esteem, but that if it comes down to it, I will no longer lie for him. My self worth comes first, no questions asked. The contact can NOT happen again. He agreed. He had a bit of defensiveness under the surface during the talk, but more often, I saw him with a bit of resignation, a bit of shame, and I know he let himself down. He was not proud that he was weak yesterday. He didn’t say that and I didn’t say that, but I could see it.
Forgot to say this to him, so I just called and related it to him. I asked that he not talk to the kids about anything without first discussing it with me. He said he wasn’t ready to anyway.
So, that was that. I have more to relate, but I didn’t want to overwhelm him. I said what I was ready to say, what was the most important to me. (1) To let him know how he’s been hurting his children, (2) to let him know I will not continue to cover for him, (3) to let him know that if he continues to act like a donkey, I will not take it, I want and require respect, and (4) that I will not financially support him or allow him to destroy us further with the apt or buying a car to go see her with. IF he has no contact, I will help him get his car, but he has to do the legwork to figure out how we can do it.
