I also think the stats are very skewed in terms of how many marriages are saved. I don't just mean this site.
I think the one aspect that is so often ignored is longevity. While it is not as common as people hope, I do think some people may try to reconcile. What we forget to ask is if the reconciliations last for the long haul.
I know there are a few people here that did manage to save their marriages or I should say rebuild their marriages. And believe you me, I think that is WONDERFUL but it certainly is not "the norm". Once a spouse moves out and becomes invested in another R the probability of a return is very, very low.
People mistake that for bitterness and it isn't. It is reality. And sure, it is bitter but not in a "I hate people" way but in a very, very sad and deeply painful way.
If you ran into a stranger at the market and he/she smiled at you I doubt you (general you) would spend more than a minute wondering what it means. Yet so many of us (I did this too) spend hours wondering what a smile means from our WAS. We sit and wonder this while they are in bed with another. It is horrible. It is reality.
MWD is really great for marriages that are in trouble but not yet disintegrated. For the staunch WAS in a deep affair nothing will work. I don't care who says what. An affair is simply too powerful. And yes, I will say again it is HORRIBLE.
It is hard to get with it once you are dumped, left and cheated on. I have never been in more pain in my life. But if you don't you will die from the pain. The only thing I say take at your own pace is the legalities. And if you are being forced into legalities get a good attny to take care of it all so you can focus on your emotional health. That is not being nasty, it is being smart.
My husband cheated and left two years ago. He is still with OW. He sent me 11 text messages the other night to tell me they are moving in together. Yes, he told me over text. Then proceeded to tell me how great they are doing, how great he is and so on. It hurts. It is horrible. I get it but I also get reality.
For the staunch WAS in a deep affair nothing will work. I don't care who says what
Sorry to hear you say that..
I have observed that there are quite a few things that WORK.
Many just don't want to hear or do those things that do work. They would prefer the "better choice" option. Which in my opinion is the least successful way to go.
Always a pleasure to have your thoughts here so I thank you
Originally Posted By: Virtually_Handsome
focusing on your partner before you take care of yourself is probably not going to get you where you want to go.
I rest my case...
This is what I see on the boards recently...
I see people telling newbies that they need to basically bend over backwards to the spouse who is running away/cheating/ignoring etc...
Buy them flowers, show them you love them, buy cards, write them poems, don't forget their b-day or any holiday that happens during the sitch etc...
WTF is all I have...
Yes PLEASE reward them for CHEATING on you!
The first time I saw that, I almost fell out of my chair.
The important thing is that even if you did fall out of your chair, that you got back up.... just in time to give your cheating spouse a foot & back rub, a warm meal and a dozen roses ;-)
Each person has to make this journey on its own pace... IMO
I will try again here..
If each person has to make this journey on there own pace, then there is no need for this site or need for counseling.
Just everybody not say anything because it means nothing if the BS is taking it at their own pace.
I find that view ridiculous...Just take things at your own pace means that nobody is needed to help and there is no sense in even trying....
That is silly.
Gucci, we really dont disagree that much, even though you called me silly AND ridiculous
Tell me something, how many times have you posted to people here, over and over again telling them what to do and how to act? How many times did you have to wait around UNTIL these posters could finally GET what you were saying? (dont lie, I have been reading you)
What we do here is give our knowledge, share our experiences and advise people that the best way we can. How and when they finally start to absorve what we are saying is not in our control. I am sorry, that's the way I see it and I see it all over the boards...
Just as Serenity ssaid, we could speak till we are blue, and they will do their own thing... Free will and all... pfff
What I got from this board, DBing etc etc, was and still is,how to take care myself and to get back my strength WHILE all the mess is still taking place. Which may have resulted to speeding up the process for my H, not me... K
The important thing is that even if you did fall out of your chair, that you got back up.... just in time to give your cheating spouse a foot & back rub, a warm meal and a dozen roses ;-)
LMAO - Not in this lifetime...You forget - I learned from some of the best (ie: Puppy, Coach, Wifey, Greek, Tristan, Gardener etc...)
I can only imagine the butt ripping I would have gotten had I followed the advice being thrown out recently!
Ten bucks says Puppy would have figured out a way to come through my computer screen just to smack me upside my head!
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Tell me something, how many times have you posted to people here, over and over again telling them what to do and how to act? How many times did you have to wait around UNTIL these posters could finally GET what you were saying? (dont lie, I have been reading you)
What we do here is give our knowledge, share our experiences and advise people that the best way we can. How and when they finally start to absorve what we are saying is not in our control. I am sorry, that's the way I see it and I see it all over the boards...
I agree with this. Saffie, help me out here -- what was it Corri used to say? "When you're not ready, you're not ready. And then you are." ??? Something like that.
Took me nearly TWO YEARS to finally "hear" that my wife was ripe to have an affair. To my credit, once I suspected I immediately began the necessary intel and then moved very swiftly and aggressively once I found out, but I was as stubborn as a mule for a long, LONG time leading up to that.
Ten bucks says Puppy would have figured out a way to come through my computer screen just to smack me upside my head!
I wouldn't take that bet.
I need to point out here that this forum has actually gotten MUCH better in this regard, in my opinion. In the old, heavily-moderated days (including the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre," where Chocolateeyes got banned), there was MUCH less "tough love" advice allowed on here. MUCH less. I wasn't really allowed to say what I say now, Robx and Gucci would have been warned and McQueen would have been long since BANNED by now.
There is a much wider array of opinions and approaches on here now, freely discussed, and "amen" and "Hallelujah" FOR it, I say!
That all being said, Serenity, I do think that as far as the BETRAYED/LEFT-BEHIND SPOUSES are concerned, the past year or so has been some of the worst I've seen in terms of passivity, fearfulness and out-and-out denial and enabling behavior. So it's ironic that in the midst of MORE "tough love" advice than has ever been allowed before, more people seem to be doing "Bo-Peep" or even "Big Bird" and having no success.
I still say a year ago had I posted I was kissing my spouses' butt by buying flowers/writing poems etc...You would have had my butt on a silver platter...
I recall just some of the things I did which in turn was the complete opposite of what you were trying to teach me...
Your wisdom is always appreciated...
If I have recently come across a little harsh, that is not my intention...
I for one am happy I was finally able to close that bakery.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
... Serenity, I can't say how humbled I am to be included in this group. Believe me, I have learned more from you than you have learned from me. I often think of you and you are always in my prayers.
