Hope, you expect him to admit he is wrong, offer support, be your partner regarding your child as he should be, "make the pain go away", you try to reason with him, make him understand your needs. The more you push the more he will continue on this path, sadly even in regards to S. Even this last discussion, although completely understanble, think about it..., what were the chances he had a different reaction? He went of defense mode immediately.When you talk to him, be firm, strict, no emotions and be clear about your goal, is it to get some validation from him, or to solve a "practical problem"?.
Calm down, you are spinning, as flo said, stop doing what isnt working...
What I did in a similar phase that worked, (after trying what you are doing) was sending emails with questions, that required yes or no asnwers. Like "this weekend I need to work, can you take care of them or should I find a babysitter? Kids need to be driven to xyz, will you do it?" etc etc
I had answers to my practical problems, record of his behaviour and gave him time to think about it each time. I wasnt making it an US problem, it was "things that need to be done that have to do with your kids". Clear, firm, realistic and with no emotions. Think about it for the future...
YOu're absolutely right. I know I backslid and I know I need to be firmer. I'm planning on setting the schedule each week by email so I have a trail in case it ever helps me in custody hearings (although our state is pretty inflexible in terms of veering from the 50% 50% custody rule).
I'm just so glad to have had a break today it gave me time to cool down. I had been steeming since last night and although I felt completely in my right to call him on his irresponsibility, you are right Kalni and FM in that I"m expecting decency and consideration where there is none.
I know where I lost it - to remind myself from this moment on so I can watch my triggers - it's him abandoning our son. How can he say he's just too tired to come be with his sick child (presumably because he's too busy f***ing his gf) - I mean 9:15 on a SUnday morning is not that early. I cannot fathom this person who used to be the best and most reliable dad I ever met can not bother to even call and check in. I am having a hard time facing how cold and uncaring he has become - it doesn't register with who I thought I was once married to.
Your triggers are that you are worried history is going to repeat itself to S.. Try to remember that you can control what support S gets from you and that how you teach him to deal with this.. Go and reread the part of Passionate Marriage where he teaches his daughter to self soothe and think how you can teach S to do the same with his feelings of abandonment.. again dont let S see your feelings about him being abandoned.. Its all extremely hard at the moment, but I do like the idea of settin it all in stone in an email, for both organisational reasons and later maybe in a custody case!
Huge hugs
Rabbit
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Listen, the thing that keeps getting you into trouble, is something you have to let go of completely.
Expectations.
You cannot, repeat, CANNOT have ANY at this time. Heck, they aren't good even when you have a perfectly GOOD marriage!
This quote is from Gary Smalley's book "For Better or For Best".
"Expectations can be one of the most destructive forces in your marriage. By diminishing your expectations, you can free your husband of a burden you force him to bear, and you can free yourself from unnecessary disppointment. Diminishing your expectations does not mean getting rid of your needs and wants. That is humanly impossible. It means eliminating your time limits and preconceived ideas about when and how those expectations will be fullfilled."
Your H WILL come around. But you are not going to see this for a while. If you let go of all your expectations, he *may* fullfill some concerning his son faster.
But you are doing the holding back of him coming forward!!!
Treat him as the unwell person he is! Find HEALTHY people to help you!! Drop the expectations that he is well--that he is functioning fine--he ISN'T!!
Detach so you can see this clearly!!! Go Dim again, and start over with NO preconcieved ideas of what he should do--that way, andything and everything you get is a "gift" and you can respond positively to it! You'll have that shocked, happy little "Thanks H!" that he so wants to hear!!
H4L, you and I are in the same boat with one issue I think. The idea of the trauma that this is/will cause our children is a huge emotional hook for us. Until we face our fears about this and address our own abandonment issues, I believe that we will be held back from detaching and moving forward as people. We are feeling the crushing responsibility of creating a family life for our children...but this is actually out of our area of control right now, and we are torturing ourselves by assuming that responsibility. This is the #1 issue for me to deal with in IC, I think. Not only do I have to grieve my own losses, but I have to grieve for the loss of the dreams that I have for my children.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
LauraOh said: Treat him as the unwell person he is! Find HEALTHY people to help you!! Drop the expectations that he is well--that he is functioning fine--he ISN'T!!
I think she's right. Also, the part she said about this attitude helping you respond positively when H does step back into responsibility for his son. Sounds true. Know it's difficult.
Hi Hope, have been peeking though here... Not to give you a one sentence catch phrase but, "You can't reason with the unreasonable"
I tell myself that when I deal with people in life who are off, or difficult or not right in some way. It gives me peace to remind myself that.
Focus on your and your son only.
Can you join any meetup.com groups in your area for GALing? Just a thought....
Best, June
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
(It's Juno, don't know why they changed my screen name...)
I agree with the stuff the wiser people said here. He has so many hooks in you and as such, you're left to dangle at the end of his reel and flop around when he jerks on the rod- lame metaphor, but that's kind of what it feels like. Can you lower your expectations to zero of him and see if that at least calms things down a bit emotions-wise for you? It's nt fair, you shouldn't have to do it, but as someone else pointed out- it helps you- you'll only have 2 results- to not be surprised if he doesn't rise to the occasion (and have no emotion about it) or to be pleasantly surprised if he does. Easier said than done, but I think you need to strive for it for yourself.
hang in there-
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
