is my WAH in an MLC (need some experts!)?

[pandora]

basic background: H is very introverted (ISFP if you know myers briggs), youngest in family, very very non-confrontational.

First years turbulent...I was mean/belittling, financial issues, didn't make him #1. H tried but didn't really communicate and during conflicts would stonewall. 3 years in, H contemplated divorced but we survived then, got counseling, i changed somewhat...we both thought things were going great and were so happy we stayed together.

Got pregnant in Y5, son survived short time after birth and we buried him the next day. Looking back, instead of turning towards each other, we turned away (i also fell into a depression)...and he was left alone. He started a new career, we began living parallel lives. Doctor gave green light to start trying again in Y6...week later H said he wanted a separation...i was devastated. we had just seen a house we both wanted to buy and on the way back, he broke the news to me..."IMNILWY, you deserve better, it's not fair to us or future family"...you could probably fill in the rest.

Took him 3 months to move out...read everything i could...DR was great! During three months, was upbeat and pleasant...got along great. Few meltdowns but not so bad. H said he was 50/50 when he moved out 8/09 but needed this time to see if there was a connection. Didn't tell loved ones so still put on facade and went places together. He was cold/distant in the beginning (said he didn't want me to get any mixed signals). Until this point, also doing MC...but therapist saw he wasn't "there" emotionally and suggested IC as being more productive. He stopped being mean after some time and i asked him if it would be ok to do neutral activities once in a while. He said fine and we did that for a few months...definitely was awkward b/c i was on eggshells.

During our S, he took a large sum of money as a "cushion" and then also took another sum to buy a convertible...had lost a lot of weight and has been very much into his looks.

Went to gottman workshop 12/09 (which was excellent!). Had a great weekend, but still no change in feeling. Religious leader then told him that we needed to move in together to feel a bond b/c separation wasn't going to do anything for building one. H took while to tell me but then he did and i moved into H place 2/10 (figured it was his space so he would feel more comfy there and also the leader).

During S, I did a lot of 180 and a bunch of cheerleading. After moving in together, things were great on surface...playful, caring for each other, spending free time together, cuddling (mostly initiated by me though), and looked like a happy marriage.

Unfortunately i brought up M talk (3 weeks in) and he said he wasn't feeling anything diff't. Saying it probably wouldn't work b/c he can't get over past hurt (H says he wishes he was a bigger person and could forgive me especially cause he knows i've changed). I started to backslide and then found out about a female co-worker "friend" that he promises is just a friend and that he only discusses work stuff with (they text outside of work). Trying hard to believe him but was obsessed and threw me for a loop (since he never mentioned her before and that made me feel weird). I've asked him point blank if he likes her/feels connected to her and he said no.

i backslid hard with lots of pleading, crying, begging, puppy behavior, it's embarrassing. when i found out about other "friend", it got heated b/c he thought i was overreacting and then he decided he wanted out. he has really stuck to his loopy story of it being just work friends.

*Please don't let me harp on this specific item too much b/c it really makes me go nuts and doesn't help with my mission. I'd much rather be in denial*

Pulled my sanity together and spoke to a DB coach (amazing btw!). she had some great insight and helped me to reset my original mission (i'm going to give this my 150% until it's over). looked back on my original solution journal written in fall/09 and found that all the goals have since been met (i had forgotten about them!). then made a list of the positives since this started and there was actually a nice list of stuff (while small, they were definitely things to be noticed).

so i'm writing b/c i'm at my wits end...it's been 10 months and he just can't see the good in this. everyone on the outside sees this is a workable situation except H. i know i can't change his mind but it really could be an amazing rel'p. common phrases out of H mouth:
- "i don't feel connected...i want my W to be my best friend but i don't feel like that's you."
- "you've changed but i can't get over the past hurt...i tried so hard early on in the marriage and i guess we both missed on our tries"
- "you deserve better. it's not fair to stay togeher just because i don't want to be lonely" (me thinking...hmm, i don't want to be lonely either...we get along great...let's stay together!)
- "you're everything i ever wanted in a wife (now) and i know i'm going to kick myself one day for doing this"
- "even if we stay together now, we'll get divorced anyways 5 years down the road"
- "i feel like my death is coming soon and God is doing this to protect you" (he doesn't say this one as much anymore luckily).
- <in response to me saying things have been going well> "well, you know me, i like to keep the peace and can get along with anyone."
- <for the times i meltdown and he comes to console and hold me> "i feel sorry for you"

i'm getting close to throwing in the towel but then H will do something so sweet and tender that i feel like there's hope.