New to this Community seeking advice

[MichelleLT]

Yep, but she's gotta work through that on her own.

You just do what you have to do.

Have fun.

And start looking for jobs closer to them!

[JR09]

Hey Michelle,

I am having a lot of fun with the boys. Today is our last day together. S11 and S12 tell me that W always "debriefs" them on how the week went, how am I doing, if I lost my cool, how much stuff I bought the boys, etc. I take it was expected. That's probably how my W gets a glimpse of the new me.

Anyway, it's been great being with my boys. I felt alive again. I felt alive.

JR

[MichelleLT]

See, didn't we tell you she was getting glimpses of you through the kids?

Glad you all had a good time.

[JR09]

Back to the grind. I really enjoyed my time with the boys. 5 days is short, but it was 5 days in heaven. I did see my W twice: when she dropped off the kids and when she picked them up.

She was mad at me both times. The first time was when she didn't take this backpack I bought for her for her school. The second time was when I told her I got the boys new FREE phones since I qualified for an upgrade with our phone carrier. As I was driving home, she texted me 3 times telling me she was mad at me for wasting more money on cell phones the boys couldn't even use because the area code was different from the place they live in, and none of their friends would call them because they had a long distance area code.

I told her she's been mad at me for 2 years no matter what I say or do anyway. I was very nice in my text reply and acknowledged her point. Then I just said I wasn't mad at her at all because I missed and loved her.

Yesterday, the boys were texting me all day. Even my youngest S7 called me out of the blue to just say Hi. I told the boys and W I managed to switch their cell phone area codes to their place of residence. My W didn't fire back at me for a change. She seemed to be pleased without really showing it over the phone. Maybe my remark about her being always mad made a difference somewhere...

[JR09]

Journaling.

The Boys and I have been texting away with our new phones. They text me daily and I call every other day as always. It's great. Haven't corresponded with W for a week. She graduated from her medical assistant course, so I assume she either has a job or is now looking for one. She said a few weeks ago she will refile as soon as she gets a job. Let's see if that's the case.

I remember she texted me about being mad for getting the new phone for the boys. She said I never listen to her. She said I'm trying to buy my boys'love with material things. I thought a lot about her being mad. I concluded that it's a good thing she is still mad. If she is still mad, it means she still has feelings, one way or another. If she wasn't mad anymore, she wouldn't care any longer and the idea of a divorce wouldn't bother her at all.
Well, that's my analysis. Probably wrong, but I turned her being mad at me into a positive.

As long as she is mad, she has feelings. Does that make sense? Anybody?

JR

[MichelleLT]

The opposite of love isn't hate...it's apathy.

What you say makes sense to me.

It means she cares. About the kids obviously, but whether its because of her feelings for you or the kids you still get under her skin LOL.

If you bought them a trip to Disneyworld I could see her point. But that comment is just snarky!

You bought them phones so you could stay in touch with them. Because you hate being a long-distance dad.

What is it that she thinks you didn't listen to her about? (Did she say they didn't need phones or something???)

You can always try and validate that: I know that you don't think it was appropriate to spend that kind of money on the boys when our finances are in flux because of my retirement, but it's very important to me to keep up on the boys lives and try and be there for them. I hate being away from them and while I understand your concerns, it was important enough to me to spend the money on phones.

Out of curiosity, how much did you spend on the phones? Cuz if it was more then 30/40 bucks after rebates and such, I could kind of see her point. LOL.

[JR09]

Michelle,

The phones were FREE. All of them. The phone upgrade was free. So no harm done. But hey, my W seems to always look for an excuse to justify being mad. And so she was. No big deal. I try my best not take it personally anymore. There is enough stuff to worry about already.

W made a comment about the phones being useless for the boys because they had a different area code than the town she lives in with her folks. She said it was a waste of money because the boys wouldn't even receive texts from their friends because those friends wouldn't text a long distance number.

I text'd back and said I tried to have the numbers switched to the correct area code, but it didn't work. So when I actually got back home to CO, I called the carrier again, and managed to change the boys' area code for a fee!!! Which I reported back to the W. She didn't reply.

My W feels I always go against what she says, so "buying" those cell phones likely went against what she would have done. She also said I try to buy the Boys' love.

Well, I did spend money, using my part of the tax-return money. I thought it was all for a great occasion. Anyway, I told W she is mad at me regardless of what I do, so there is nothing I can do about that after 2 years of my W's anger. Might as well stay positive...

JR

[MichelleLT]

LOL I didn't think you spent much on them, but I was just checking.

Hmmmmm.

So, me thinks it's she's playing the victim for her own choices. She is hating that you are not around to help with the kids, that she is doing it all - school, activities, doctor, dentist. She is hating that the kids come home from time with you talking about all the cool things they did while she has to be the daily disciplinarian.

But it was her choice to take them full time. It was her choice to move away so you couldn't be there to help on a daily or weekly basis.

But, she felt she had to. She is playing the martyr.

Sound about right?

You're right. You can't do things because of what you are afraid her reaction is. You addressed her concern by switching the area codes.

Try and let the rest roll off your back. Don't get caught up in the drama. She has to work through her emotions on her own.

Keep living for you and the boys. Keep being consistent. And most of all, keep having fun!

[JR09]

Man, you are on the dot michelle. You are right: W is mad that we are having fun and she "looks bad" for being the disciplinarian. You are also right: she is the one who CHOSE the current situation.

But as you stated, I am kind, patient, and loving. I don't respond fire with fire. I stay consistent. One thing that bothers me is that she doesn't reply, call, or email much. Actually not at all. She only replied like a 50 cal after I texted her on my way back home. Is that a sign of apathy or just being mad?

JR

[JR09]

W called me tonight on the cell phone but I didn't answer. This is the second time she does this in one month. I really have no idea why she'd be calling out of the blue...unless one of my boys is using her phone to reach me. But then again they have new cell phones, so...

Anyway, I didn't answer. I have to say that today was payday so I deposited the amount I've started to deposit in my W's account since last month. Maybe she called to complain about it...
I don't know. I decided to do something different and instead of jumping on the phone to answer her call, I decided to make myself less available for now. Now that's truly a 180 for me.

I figure she could either leave a voicemail or email me if need be. Which she hasn't done either way...So maybe it wasn't that pressing. I don't know. There are many things I don't know. But tonight, I certainly did a 180, and made myself less available for once. Let's see what this will bring about...

JR