"Well, I am one example of it working. I do admit that it is very rare, and requires a very high level of commitment to some very counter-intuitive ideas but in the end, I believed it worked for me. I did DB through my W's previous affair, didn't ever lay down an ultimatum or demand it stop, and when the affair ended badly, as most of them do (from my time on the boards and life, I've seen it over and over again) we were able to build on MY changes, recognize hers and move forward."
FWIW, some variation on this kind of approach that includes the key features of really dropping the rope, detaching, not controlling, letting go, not moralizing, not beating up the WAS, giving WAS more space than they want, working on oneself, being respectful of oneself, is the ONLY thing I've ever seen work on these boards.
I know Puppy sees himself as a counter example and he thinks that blowing up his Ws life, humiliating her with her family, and so on, was essential to repairing his M. Maybe it was for him. He's also got a lot personally invested in the idea that it was necessary and useful. But I wouldn't put my money on such an approach being either.
From my perspective, it looks pretty darn clear that his M really started to change and heal precisely when he stopped the heavy handed tactics and instead genuinely let go, detached, quit controlling, stopped moralizing, gave WAW tons of space, etc.
That being said, I still think that part of the work you do on yourself really still needs to be with your boundaries. This is mainly what I used to gripe about before too, lol. And, Puppy is fabulous with working on boundaries these days! So, even if you stick to your contra-Puppy-not-going-to-blow-up-Ws-life-even-if-she-is-having-an-A position, keep your ears wide open to what he says about creating and maintaining respectful boundaries for yourself.
How was your weekend? Hope you had some good times with W.
