It is total bull that this is just about sex and you know it.
You should at least acknowledge to yourself that you would like to reconcile, or you would at least like to see if it is possible. Try it. Say these two things out loud:
A) "I am having sex with Gabe because ultimately I really would like to reconcile if we can work through our issues."
B) "I am having sex with Gabe because I just want someone to f*ck and he is available."
If you tell me (B) is closer to the truth, I'm simply not going to buy it. There are far too many horny men in the world to make making an ex-spouse an attractive FB possible. Not going to happen.
So, working from the crazy idea I have that you might actually get honest with yourself, suppose you grant that you want to reconcile. What to do???
(1) ACCEPT the risks of seeing where this new R leads OR stop it. But for f*cks sake, stop pretending it isn't happening.
(2) Quit pretending emotions aren't involved. OF COURSE they are. It would be rather sick and bizarre if you could have sex with XH without emotions being involved. ACCEPT that the emotions are there. No doubt as long as Gabe is living with you and having sex with you, the emotions will increase. STOP trying to pretend they aren't. THEN MAKE A CHOICE. Are you willing to risk some emotional pain to see if reconciliation is possible or not? YOUR CHOICE. If you aren't up for it, change the situation, today. If you are up for it, quit putting your head in the sand and make choices based on what you really want and what you are really willing to risk.
(3) IMMEDIATELY STOP doing things sexually that you aren't comfortable with. Would I f*ck someone if (a) I felt uncomfortable asking him about his current relationships with other women or (b) he was wildly and privately texting some woman regularly? No. I would not. If you only want sex inside of a monogomous, romantically and sexually exclusive R, then so be it. If you are happy having sex in the context of an open, non-transparent R, then so be it. YOUR CHOICE. You have put in place no boundaries. You have communicated no boundaries. So, you don't get to be Gabe's "victim." You have, on the contrary, both agreed that the sex is just for fun and doesn't mean anything. Basically, you LIED to him and yourself (cuz like I said, I don't believe you for a minute.) Gabe is having sex with you out of love, out of guilt, out of convenience, out of fear of being on the street. Who knows. It is clear that neither of you is interested in committing to getting M tomorrow. Fine. One would hope not. However, there is nothing wrong with a boundary like: "My boundary is that if I have a lover, that man is sexually and romantically involved with me only. No other concurrent involvement is OK. And I require honest, open, transparent communication about such things. So, we need to stop having sex or work within those boundaries." Just because you don't want to M doesn't mean you can't maintain respectful boundaries. STEP AWAY from the victim path... You are the one choosing sex with someone you believe is involved with other women.
(4) Odds are, you will not reconcile. Long-term success would take hard work on both your parts, and even that might not be enough. There is NO WAY to know now whether things will work out. You have to base your choices on the present. There is a chance you could reconcile and have a good M some day. Is that chance worth the risk? Only you can answer that. But first, to even ask yourself the question, you have to quit playing games and get honest with yourself.
