I even find myself sometimes, when I bring up talks about our M or reconciling... suggesting that I stay a few more months to see where this could go with us... I find myself saying it outloud to him, but inside almost hoping that he doesnt go for it..
I know that feeling all too well. I sometimes view this as an opportunity to get out and start fresh. I would never have left my H...not because I was super happy..and all my needs were being met..but because I am typically happy in my life- and my M (up until the A)..didn't bring me down. I would have loved him for a lifetime- hands down. I sometimes wondered what it would be like to be married to someone else..especially when he was being a jerk- but I always thought..who doesnt? Grass is always greener..I would convince myself..and maybe that is true- but.....maybe just maybe it is greener?? I guess I am also not a quitter..I bent over backwards trying to make my H happy..quite often resulting in me chasing my tail..He wasn't capable of being happy.
When my H was having his delusional rant on Saturday..he was arguing that we don't connect emotionally or intellectually..and because of this..he gets frustrated..and is forced to call me names...and he doesn't like to have to do that but he is left no other choice. I just stared at him...and thought-said like a true emotionally abusive man...I make him call me names. Then he takes back what he said.
After all of this..why do I want my M?? How am I willing to give him another shot? Why am I so willing to forgive the unforgiveable with someone who is so unforgiving? I am still trying to figure that out..there really isn't too many reasons..and nobody around me is pushing me to get back with him..including his family..I think everyone wishes I would cut the cord and let him live with his mistakes.
