how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

well, i took the weekend off from the site. i turned 30 on friday and took a flying trapeze class which was just absolutely amazing. all i got from my H was a lame text message that said "have a nice birthday, tta" - that was IT. his grandparents called me (surprise, they have NO idea we are separated) and left me a really sweet message, and even his sister sent me a card. but i tried not to let it bother me much.

i had a really fun party and all my closest friends came and we did a Mad Men theme and everyone came dressed like it was 1960. we had a blast. saturday i went on a cruise out in the potomac with a friend and had a great time. all in all the weekend was great, i am embracing 30 with a smile, and fully prepared for the next chapter of my life.

i emailed my H this morning to tell him that i would not have the agreement signed by the date he asked about (the 15th of april). he quit his job last week and while he has a part time teaching job, there's no way he's pulling in enough to support himself and make the monthly payments to me that we agreed on. he wrote me back a pretty long email saying he felt so conflicted for not being there for me on my birthday, and it was no big deal if i couldnt' sign the agreement until i had a chance to go over it with my dad and my L. i also asked him to tell his grandparents about our separation so i could call them back and thank them for thinking about me. and i did not feel it was my job to be the one to tell them.

i just feel like i don't even know who he is anymore. his sister said she has no idea how he's doing because every time she asks him to do something with her or her family, he says no. i know he's still seeing his IC, but...he's on emotional lock down right now and there's not much i can do.

i spent a lot of time over the weekend being honest with myself about our M and what i wanted out of it and what i hadn't been getting prior to our separation. i saw my IC on friday and she said she was very impressed with how well i'm handling things and how far i've come mentally and emotionally since she'd seen me back in march.

i told my H it hurt that i had only gotten a text message from him on my 30th birthday...honestly, i don't care how conflicted he was. i was the one who ended up feeling like he didn't give a sh*t and couldn't be bothered to even send me a card.

where that guy is in his head is beyond me. i don't even know him anymore.