HELP!!! I need my DB brothers and sisters!

[missmyfriend]

Hi Mishka, I appreciate you posting. It has been a long time since we talked.

I am not sure she is saying things to the kids completely although they have shared with me some minor things that were discussed.

One thing that comes to mind is how it appeared that I was the sole parent and that even their mom was treated a one of them. There were a number of other things said that made me thing that they were parroting back what she said. Not because of the content but in the delivery. It could have been my ex saying those things with minimal or no changes in how they were said.

I know that my ex spouse has always felt that people had to choose sides. She doesn't say that but it comes out that way in her actions including who the kids choose to stay with for the time or if they choose to go somewhere with me or with here if the destination, such as a school function comes up. She looks displeased. Other people that know both of us and, on the rare occasion see us together have commented that my ex doesn't hide the lack of respect she feels towards me and they have seen her do that in front of the kids. Now, I feel like I get very little respect from the kids. For a couple of hours last night, the grilled me about who we all know mutually that said that they have noticed that the kids have been disrespectful. I told the kids this was an example right here with the grilling they were giving me.

They said to me that (almost four years now) that I dont seem to get upset and it seems unnatural (my ex's words exactly). They even suggested that I not smile so much around my ex as it makes her uncomfortable (an example of my ex telling the kids things she probably shouldn't say). My ex told me this once when she was ticked off at me that my smiling makes her uncomfortable. I had replied that she had told me, in the past, if I don't smile I can appear to be angry. Actually, I am usually lost in thought, not angry.

The good thing, I think, that has come out of this, is that the kids are sharing what they feel. Unfortunately, after our conversation, I feel like I was and am now the worst dad ever.

In the custody agreement, I am the residential parent. She only wanted the kids every other weekend when it was drawn up. Since then, it "seems" like she has encouraged the kids to see me less and less to the point I see them only on the weekends and, even then, the kids are busy with their friends. I told them last night that I miss them and the custody is for them to spend half the time with me. They said that I cannot force them to stay with me and I responded that I wasnt saying that. I explained that what I am trying to say is that it is important to the kids and to the parents that they spend as much time together between each parent. I said I would never force them to stay with me or go to their moms.

Mishka, it has changed a lot with my attitude from about 4 months before my wife even said she was through. In fact, prior to the relationship she wanted with a co worker, we were getting closer and she commented often about how much more relaxed I was and that I didnt let things upset me so much. Even after she left, and I had the kids full time, I continued to work on myself to be the dad I am supposed to be and to continue treating my wife with love and respect (from a distance and no outward comments, just acts of respect).

I was talking to my mom late last night and asked her to be honest with me if she sees me as being tough to be around. She said I used to be and rarely she can see me stress but I have been consistent about showing love and patience with my entire family.

At the same time, I have always said, if others all have the same problem with a person, it is probably not the other people with a problem. I keep self reflecting and while I am far from perfect, I don't know what else I can do? I feel like they will not forgive me for my past. I know my ex does not forgive people she has felt that have wronged her in her past, including me.

I know that God doesn't give a person more than they can handle but this has almost been four years and I feel like my heart is constantly being wrenched from my chest. If I don't have my wife and my kids, I don't feel like this life holds anything for me.