Well, maybe not to the letter exactly. From what I can tell, he was on his way back to the house in the afternoon, called her, parked at the reservoir (RIGHT down the street from our house, BTW) she drove down (hour + 20 min drive from where she lives) and took her car down the road to the local bar where they got drunk. Then she drove him back to his car, where they sat and “talked” until whatever time she left, and then he fell asleep in his car – woke up and drove home at 4:30.
So, no, he was not drunk before calling her. He just lacked willpower. (JUST – I don’t mean to make it sound trivial – it’s a HUGE lack)
I know alcoholism, I’ve had relatives die from it, and I grew up around it in my family. He’s not an alcoholic. Now, he DOES have a drinking problem. A bad drinking problem. My aunt died from alcoholism when I was 14, I watched her on the deathbed crying to God that’d she’d stop drinking if He let her live. She was bleeding from every orifice in her body except her eyes as she hemorrhaged and her organs liquefied. They gave her morphine to shorten the pain and suffering.
The kids are 16 and 20.
I’m certain the remorse is sincere. I know my H very well. I knew yesterday at the time he called her that he was going to do it. I was sick to my stomach as he did it. We have a type of psychic connection that I can’t explain. Once, recently, he had sold his car that had a keypad on the door for entry. He’d sold it a few months before. I was home, he was at the apt ½ hour away from me. The man who bought the car called me and asked me for the code b/c he had locked the keys out. I gave him the code and said I “think” it’s right. He called back a while later and said it wasn’t, would I call H. I called him and the first thing he said was the number to me. Just out of the blue, said he’d been reciting it in his head and didn’t know why. We laughed and I hung up and called the buyer back. Those sorts of things happen to us all the time. So, when he is lying, I know it, when he’s being sincere, I know it. He’s never pulled anything over on me… I have on myself. For instance, when he first starts cheating, I don’t WANT to believe it so I look for other explanations. But inside, I know.
Right now I know he’s at home in bed, lightly sleeping, with a scowl on his face. I can see it. I’ll go home at lunch and for sure, that’s what will be going on. He has his gears going constantly trying to figure out things, to make it fit in the reality he’s built for himself. He doesn’t WANT to believe there can be a chance for us, so he’s convinced himself of that. He doesn’t WANT to believe that he can ever love me again, so he’s convinced himself of that. And when he has sudden flashes of tenderness or caring, it confuses him and he runs away. That’s part of the reason he ran yesterday. We were having an awesome time the last few days. Laughing, ML, joking about more ML later that night, talking about common interests and planning a trip on a bike when I get my license. It didn’t fit into his view of his feelings for me and where we’re heading. He HAD to run back to her because it reassured him that his feelings for her were real and the feelings for me are gone.
I agree with Puppy and you Allen, he needs to have me be firm… but I have to do it in a loving way. I have to be the BBD right now. I have to consider what form this will take carefully. If I am too forceful, he’ll see it as me being controlling and proof that he was right and it will push him further out the door. If I’m too kind and loving, he’ll see me as a doormat and cake eat me to death.
My first inclination is to become his policeman, but that is not solving anything. If I constantly monitor him-and he knows it, he will feel under the microscope and controlled.
As for him drinking, I’m going to have to wait for a time that he’s being nice and “himself” and I’ll bring it up. It concerns me that he may be driving like that, and that the kids are seeing it also. Last time I brought it up, he stopped for a few days – sort of to spite me and show me he didn’t need it. But then he’s started again. He only drinks when he’s with her, or missing her. Maybe 2-3 nights a week, but he does not go out with friends without getting drunk.
