Calling all affair annihilators & boundary setters

[Babygirl]

as always PDT great advice......

[courts0818]

Thanks, PDT. That's what I will text.

And now he's asking if he should see DD just tonight or tonight and tomorrow. Didn't I just tell him I needed space and that he should actually take next weekend, not this one? Ugh.

[courts0818]

I sent one text to him and he's sent me 11. All I wanted was for him to switch weekends and he keeps texting - he wants to see her tonight, no wait tomorrow and possibly Sunday, asked if he needed to take her somewhere or if I'm going to leave, etc.

Oh my goodness...he needs to chill or my phone is going off.

[courts0818]

Okay, so it's been almost a week since H admitted his cheating. I've had a little time to process this. I'm not sure what I want, but I wonder if it's time to try and discuss anything with him. I can only ignore him and leave the house (when he comes over) for so long.

And not that I care right now - but I know he doesn't like it when I ignore him and hive him attitude - and that's all I've done. Well, I haven't given him too much attitude, I just leave as soon as I can when he gets here. I haven't looked at him directly or said much of anything to him.

In thinking about talking to him, where would I even begin? Should I give it more time? There have been so many lies and so much hurt that I don't even know how to start any kind of dicussion. I have soooo many questions, but don't know which ones to ask. Am I really ready to hear his answers? Will he tell the truth or just more lies? I just don't know.

I've also looked into a key logger - is it time to go there? I SHOULD have done that long, long ago. But I was thinking it might be helpful now to see if H is telling the truth or just more lies. I'm not sure where he does the majority of his computer stuff (checking email, etc.). He used to have a laptop through work, but he started a new job and IDK if they have given him a new laptop yet. He does get on our home computer at times, but not as much as he used since he got a Blackberry (again through work).

[courts0818]

Ugh...just ugh. : ( Any thoughts on above post?

[Kalni]

I would suggest to give it MORE time. It took me several weeks before I could talk to H. Thankfully he respected that.

Maybe just tell him just that, "back off, I need time to process all this" dont call us, we'll call you... type of thing.

What do you want to know? What are the things you need to know? IMO, it's way too early for deep discussions. Every single one I had (over the phone) ended up in me yelling and letting my anger out. Is that what you need?
K

[pearlharbr]

Court, have you read anything on dealing with infidelity? I recommend starting with Not Just Friends. I didn't read it until I started piecing but would have found it even more helpful had I read it earlier. It does talk about your emotions just after finding out and how to process it. And it also has chapters on how to work through it if you decide to stay and if you decide to leave.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Excellent, EXCELLENT book. "The bible," as it were, on emotional affairs.

Puppy

[gman]

Excellent, EXCELLENT book. "The bible," as it were, on emotional affairs.

Puppy

agreed....don't think i could have understood myself or the place she was without that book....W even looked it over to try to understand both sides if you will.

[Gnosis]

I've also looked into a key logger - is it time to go there? I SHOULD have done that long, long ago. But I was thinking it might be helpful now to see if H is telling the truth or just more lies.

What do you hope to accomplish with this?

You already know about the affair. I don't think it's worth putting yourself into further emotional turmoil than what you're already going through. You don't need to know the nitty-gritty to have it haunt you in the future.

Snooping should be used to identify the affair not to prolong your agony. You don't need that Courts. Refocus on yourself. You were doing well before. I understand that its not easy and the pain is terrible at the moment.

Talking with him can wait. Let him sweat for a change while you give yourself time to reach a balanced state and can think clearly. This is of the utmost importance for you now. i.e. let the shock wear off. Then you can make a decision of what YOU want to do.