I saw nothing in your husband's demeanor (at least how you related it) that was "tender."
"OK if you violated my boundary this time, just don't do it again" does not work. Try it with a child who willfully stays up past their bedtime, and let me know how it works out.
This is how it should have went down:
When your husband came home at 4:30, the house should have been locked up, every light out, and -- if you've got one -- security system armed, with a new password. Then tell him calmly "This is not a hotel, and I am not an innkeeper. I am your wife. Next time you choose to stay out this late, without having the courtesy of calling me, don't bother coming home."
OW's husband has shown by his actions and his words that he doesn't care to know any more. He is classic "Big Bird." If you want to, however, you could have sent him an e-mail the next morning saying "Not that you seem to care, and I'm handling this with my husband, but he tells me they were together last nite until 4am. If you'd like to swap notes, just give me a call, but I'm moving to protect myself from this."
There's a huge difference between a repentant alcoholic who is sincerely trying to overcome his addiction, and needs a "buddy system," and your husband's entitled defiance. You can try to "tender, loving and sweet" him through it, but it's not going to work in my opinion.
As I said to you last week, you have a decision to make as to which path you want to take. I wanted to speak my peace one last time, and now I will leave you alone, because I really don't want to just keep beating you up.
