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[steady]

Fill in to get up to speed.

I got the Forensic report from the Psychologist last week. I didn't even know it was in until my W asked me last Monday if I heard from my lawyer about the recommendation for physical custody. I told her I didn't. She said the reports been in for about a month. I asked her what it said and she told me the recommendation was for every other weekend, Thu to Mon, then Wed overnight, and Tue Thu from 4:00 till bedtime (usually around 8-9). I wasn't too happy about it because I was looking for 50/50.

I told her I wasn't happy about it and she said, "It's more than the standard court guidelines." I told her I didn't care about the court guidelines and what other people get. I said their guidlines are for murderers and child molesters...lol. The minimum guidelines are every other weekend and 1 or 2 nights a week after school till bedtime.

So I had a really rough Mon afternoon. Tue I came in to work and asked my boss for the day off to get my head together. He's really great so he told me it wouldn't be a problem. I went to my brothers house and fell asleep around 10:30 and woke up at 4:30. When I woke up I was like, "Where the hell has my head been."

When I thought about the schedule I realized I would have my kids for half their awake time. I only had lost 2 overnights over 14 days so it really wasn't bad at all. Instead of 7 overnights I was going to have 5. The report also gave me 50/50 of all holidays and 50/50 for the summer.

When I talked to my L he said he was going to call the psychologist and find out why I'm getting 50/50 for the summer and holidays and not 50/50 during the school year. He said he was also going to ask why he set us up for a 50/50 rotation (which we are doing now) and then changed it. My L said he is still going to try and negotiate 50/50 or very close to it. So we'll see where that goes. I'm meeting with him Wed to get more details on the report.

He did tell me the Psych wrote in the report about my W having a drinking issue with a dependency on alcohol. My L said we could have it stipulated in sep agreement that she can't drink and no alcohol allowed in the house.

The psych also said I would be more able to co-parent because my W holds the perspective she can do no wrong and I can do no right. When I heard that it was vindication for me. This is something I've been telling my W for 8 years now. That she is a fault finder and always has to find something wrong with how I am or how I do things. If it's not done her way she thinks it's being done wrong. It was the source of a lot of our problems.

He also talked about my issues - the bipolar, OCD issues and I get impatient and verbally aggressive. These are all issues I already know about and am actively working on in T.

He also wrote my D is closer to my W and my S needs me more in his life. That was nice to hear. He also said my kids don't really care which house they would be in and they only care about being with us.

Last week I asked my W why the psych gave her prim custody and she said because he put in his report that she gives them more structure. When my lawyer said the kids need structure I told him my W said the report indicated she can give them more structure. He said it doesn't say that, only that they need more structure because of their age. Go figure. She actually lied (sarcasm). Like that hasn't happened a lot over the past 2 years.

So all in all it wasn't too bad. It was really nice it only took me a day to get my feet back under me. I can see real growth in me.

The other thing I decided was I was going to let go of all my anger. Like my C says, anger is a poison we drink while waiting for the other person to die. After I made that decision the anger disappeared - just like that.

The past two weeks I've been sending barbs over to her and taking shots at her once in a while. Mostly over issues she has and how she's still doing the same stuff. After I send them over I feel a short lived sense of 'power' but then I start to reconsider it. I'm not that guy and I never have been. I've never been vindictive or one to strike out even if people seem to be treating me like crap. Not that I don't draw boundaries and stand up for myself, but rather I don't take a vindictive stance where I have to seek some sort of vengeance.

So I decided not to act that way and I'll be an action rather than a reaction. It's a learned process. So now I'm going to keep my balance and not be sarcastic or belligerent.

I had an opportunity to practice it over the weekend in a text fest with my W. She pulled some crap about her thinking she should be the kids ground and I should see them as much as possible. I indicated to her she keeps taking the stance that the kids' time is something for her to give out. I reminded her I was their father and she didn't have the power to control how much time I can see them. I told her the psych put into his report about her thinking she can do no wrong and I can do no right and showed her how she was exhibiting that behavior right now with what she said.

I also told her we need to work on the issues the psych pointed out because they affect our ability to parent and co-parent. There were many opportunities to be sarcastic and throw some barbs in but I didn't. To tell you the truth, after it was all done I felt a lot better than when I had taken some shots at her.

Without that anger I don't feel the need to strike back and that's a nice thing. I feel taking the high road will keep my dignity in tact.

There's other stuff but I'll end it here for now. If you've read this far I commend you and you get a gold star and a happy face sticker...lol.