New here but have been a voyeur

[Surviving03]

lolawar... your last post really resignated with me, feeling that your H never deserved you and why you feel that way.... your last few posts feel like something I could have written myself... I am struggling with the same feelings...

I am not sure what my exact fear of letting go is... or if its just that I hate that my H just doesnt want me, even though I realize that I would most likely be better without him and probably always would have been... I guess just the fact that he felt miserable with me, even though I know that I am too good for him and always have been (just like you said, not in a conceited way, I 100% get you) It blows my mind that he didnt see that and I guess has the audacity to say I made him miserable... I know I had some issues, such as arguing, but they were in no way anything to amount to this....I love so much deeper than him just like you said about your H... I am starting to see that, like you, despite his put downs, what I really am as a person, I am much more mature than he is (come to find out) and have a much more deep rooted and spiritual understanding of love and marriage and commitment, and forgiveness.

Its not easy to let go of the fear, whatever that fear is rooted from... I guess for me its just being lonely for awhile, having to start over job wise and pick up and move across the world (I am over in Turkey on a military base right now) and the fear of falling for another man who will turn out to be not who I thought he was.

I too loved my H for all that he was and all that he wasnt... and in my situation, my H was overweight when I married him, he gained alot of weight while we were dating, and I still loved him just the same. Before he told me he wanted a D, he lost 40 lbs and now acts very conceited and full of himself... doesnt seem to realize or care that I loved him just the same regardless of his appearance.

I also fear that the good man that i thought was my H is still in there somewhere... which makes it tough to let go, but who he is right now is NOT someone I could be with, I would have to do 90% of all the work and then I would be miserable.

I even find myself sometimes, when I bring up talks about our M or reconciling... suggesting that I stay a few more months to see where this could go with us... I find myself saying it outloud to him, but inside almost hoping that he doesnt go for it... thats crazy! but its true... but unfortunately for me, I dont have to hope for too long, because even though he typically does go for it at first, its always short lived.

I think I have come to a point where I just have to realize that it is best for us to D... even though it is sad, and I didnt marry him for a trial run marriage... I do love him... but there are things that have always stared me in the face that would normally be red flags that we shouldnt be together, but I ignored them, thinking I could deal with it... and now that the idea of D has come along, I find myself really really thinking whether or not it is now worth ignoring those things for love for him, if THIS is what I now have to deal with... wouldnt I just be miserable all around then? I have those crappy things... and he doesnt hardly love me...

I feel you lolawar... i really really get you