I'm taking off my ring April 9

[AmyBel]

Thanks Chance, Puppy, Awoken. Prayers always welcome. Very much appreciate the wise and kind words here.

[pearlharbr]

Amy, sorry to hear about your mom. Sending good thoughts your way.

[AmyBel]

I want to post an exchange for critique.

First, my e-mail (in response to a text where W asked to be at the house to see me to support me, when I arrive tonight, instead of going to her dad's house, as agreed.)
-----------------
Tonight, please use whatever supports you need to take care of
yourself. Please do not change our agreement unless you have
completely made your decision about your future and you want to be my
support as my wife and fully commit to that. I need, MORE THAN EVER,
to not be on your roller coaster, to get graduated THIS YEAR, to put
my energy with my mom and my self.

I am taking care of myself. I didn't choose you because I needed you.
I chose you because I wanted you. I am sorry for the pain you are
experiencing but as (our MC) said, this is the moment when you can journal,
and that may really help.

I know, 16 years of taking care of each other. It is hard not to do
that. But it cannot be, right now. Maybe in the future.

Please feel free to talk to my sister about Mom.

Please take care of yourself. I'm taking care of myself.
(me)
-----
and her e-mail in response
--------
I hear what you are saying. I wish I could support you more than ever, but I can't fully commit to being your wife. I am so sad to write that, so sad to feel that. I know you are experiencing a great deal of pain about your mother and I can't help but want to make it easier. I will respect your need for no contact, no roller coaster ride. I so want you to become (the career I'm studying for) you are meant to be.

I am glad that you are taking care of yourself.
(w)
--------
Other than me being far too kind (I know, I know!) and too long (hindsight is 20/20) what do you think I did well or not so well? What is your take?

Puppy and Pearl, you (and other's) advice has been spot on so far. And I know that I'm struggling to keep an even keel. So I'm really relying on you to shed some light, and give me something to go on for next steps...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I actually think it's pretty good, Amy -- you did just fine. And I also think that your wife's response is to be expected, and fair (although I know it probably hurts).

This thing, if it is to be, is going to have to TAKE TIME. She's not going to feel missing you this quickly, and I do believe that the stance that you laid out to her (and re-iterated upon this current sitch with your mom) is the best chance you have of saving the marriage, if it is to be saved.

I'd love to hear Pearl's perspective, but I thought the exchange was honest and healthy.

Puppy

[futureunknown]

Puppy is right. I've read and studied a lot about breakups and infidelity. All walk away spouses fail to appreciate the depth of bond that years and years of marriage creates. If you really withold yourself, after a few months of no contact, or nearly no contact, a "vacuum" begins to grow in your spouse's mind. This is the place you used to occupy. It takes time for that vacuum to slowly expand, creating more and more pressure and anxiety. Things will remind them of you, and the vacuum gets stronger. If there was enough good between the two of you during your M, eventually that vacuum might become unbearable, and if you give them no other option, they'll beg to reconcile, just to alleviate that terrible anxiety. Doesn't mean reconciliation is guaranteed to succeed, but it does give you leverage to demand certain conditions. Once you let them back in, the anxiety is reduced, and then the real work begins.

Of course the rub is that you need to endure the vacuum feeling as well, and you need to be stronger than them!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy is right. I've read and studied a lot about breakups and infidelity. All walk away spouses fail to appreciate the depth of bond that years and years of marriage creates. If you really withold yourself, after a few months of no contact, or nearly no contact, a "vacuum" begins to grow in your spouse's mind. This is the place you used to occupy. It takes time for that vacuum to slowly expand, creating more and more pressure and anxiety. Things will remind them of you, and the vacuum gets stronger. If there was enough good between the two of you during your M, eventually that vacuum might become unbearable, and if you give them no other option, they'll beg to reconcile, just to alleviate that terrible anxiety. Doesn't mean reconciliation is guaranteed to succeed, but it does give you leverage to demand certain conditions. Once you let them back in, the anxiety is reduced, and then the real work begins.

That's as well as I've heard that put.



Puppy

[mrbt]

Puppy is right. I've read and studied a lot about breakups and infidelity. All walk away spouses fail to appreciate the depth of bond that years and years of marriage creates. If you really withold yourself, after a few months of no contact, or nearly no contact, a "vacuum" begins to grow in your spouse's mind. This is the place you used to occupy. It takes time for that vacuum to slowly expand, creating more and more pressure and anxiety. Things will remind them of you, and the vacuum gets stronger. If there was enough good between the two of you during your M, eventually that vacuum might become unbearable, and if you give them no other option, they'll beg to reconcile, just to alleviate that terrible anxiety. Doesn't mean reconciliation is guaranteed to succeed, but it does give you leverage to demand certain conditions. Once you let them back in, the anxiety is reduced, and then the real work begins.

That's as well as I've heard that put.



Puppy

Yep. I agree with PDT.

[futureunknown]

Thanks Puppy. Unfortunately I learned all this stuff too late to save my M. Even if I had known WHAT to do, I don't know if I would have been able to withstand the vacuum feeling longer than my W, since she had OM, and I was on my own, horribly grieving for my kids.

[AmyBel]

WOW! I get to be proud of myself!

Thanks so much. I've been surprised by the negative reactions of friends and family. I'm not used to being seen as the unkind one and I got that vibe twice in this week, from people who thought they were being supportive of my news about my mom, and then said something like "this is extraordinary circumstances, can't you let W support you?"

I had to hold firm, and not hate myself. So hearing the above (Thanks Future and Puppy) helps alot. I look forward to hearing from Pearl. As I read these boards I see such respect in post responses, and care for fellow human beings. It restores my faith in humanity!

[pearlharbr]

I don't think you said anything wrong, just too much. The more you explain your position, the more she will feel the need to defend her position.

You need to let her miss you. If you're still engaging this way you're showing her that you're still very invested in the R. Step back and only communicate with her as you would the mail carrier: pleasant but not overly familiar. Give her something to miss.

FYI - I've been traveling all day, on vacation for the rest of the week so I won't be here as much.