Here's advice that was posted back when I was new from Jen_Jam. She also reconciled with her H, no A that she knew of, but things weren't great:
Registered: 05/18/06 Posts: 965 Loc: Surrey, UK OK, also wanted to post what worked for me - most of it will be a rehash of DR, but I thought I'd put it here as a real world example. JenJam's Top Ten DB Tips:
1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.
2. Don't depair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.
3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathising with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".
4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.
5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own timeframe.
6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.
7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.
8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)
9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.
10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say. You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.
OK - as I said this is what worked for me - if you're reading this then maybe it's different for you. If you're readin this and thinknig your own sitch is impossible think of this - would you give yourself false hope right now? Chances are you wouldn't. So why give yourself false despair? There are layers in a M crisis and you don't get the benefit of seeing them all at once. _________________________ Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married) Sept 07 2005 Seperated Sept and Oct 2005 H moved back Nov 2005, things still bad May 2006 - found this site Oct 2006 - H recomitted April 2007 - I began to feel normal again
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
that is awesome advice. really succinct and to the point. well done
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Most of all, be patient and choose wisely. You are very lucky. You are trying to make changes and get into action on day two. Many people here were on day 20 or later. I'm sure you're finding the first day or two changes a lot.
Going into some analysis now can save you from getting dragged into month 12 or 24. I rememeber first getting on the site and noticing some people that were still here 3 years after the initial problem! There are many facts to find out calmly - facts to help you understand what problems she perceives as the most critical. You or she may need support, too.
Most importantly for your situation is what my IC told me last Thurs...women frequently will say "I want out" when they are really trying to say "I want change". If you act "as if" you are going to be divorced, you'll probably be overdoing it.
Why am I telling you this...? Just reminding you that each of us are in different situations. Pick and choose our advice, and as you get into action mode and start reading, listening, and thinking, be patient.
Tonight, she may pull you close but she may also be pushing you away. This doesn't mean you're screwing up, it just means that when emotions are involved, patience and your love for her is needed now more than ever.
You do not need to tell her how YOU feel. She doesn't really care right now how you feel, she just knows how she feels. I have no clue if she has OM or not, you will have to decide that or figure it out. However, from some of the info on your posts, 2nd job, financial difficulties, etc, it is certainly possible she has felt financially insecure and neglected.
However, SHE must initiate a conversation on this. Most likely if you initiate it, she will react angrily.
I just ordered the books today and am very anxious to read them. I'm at home now and my wife is acting like normal, except she was quick to stop my hug when I got home. I'm sure she's acting normal because of the kids. But to know that the woman sitting in the same room doesn't feel affection for me anymore is devastating. She's planning a trip to Vegas for her brother and cousins 40th borthdays and I just started a new job so it was never the plan for me to go but she seems very happy. At least I'll have the kids all to myself for that week! I really don't know how people survive this pain. I mean......really!
The pain is excruciating, I know. I remember not being able to function day to day, but it gets better over time. You have to be mentally tough.
Think about the person you were when you and your W got together. What were you like? Do you still have the same qualities she liked in you then? Try to figure this out - it is something you need to know in order for your W to develop attraction to you again.
Dealing with your shortcomings or issues is also important - whatever you contributed to your M's problems needs to be addressed and it will take time for your W to believe the changes as others have said above.
Time is your friend. Don't do anything to push her away, like beg her, give her ultimatums, etc.
I REALLY suspect an OM in this case. WAWs are unhappy, but in most cases when they say 'its over I want to separate' they have someone else or are thinking about someone else and want to be 'free'. I know this is hard to consider and is painful, but you must open your eyes to reality. Checking her cell records is s good start.
Does she work outside the home? Does she do things online, like have a facebook account that she is active with? If you can, start looking there (use a keylogger or something like that to see what she is doing online).
If she does have an OM it will help you to understand a lot of her motivation and then put the right plan of action in place. If she doesn't have an OM then great, you have a simpler problem to deal with.
Others have already mentioned these I think, but at this point I would say you best plan of attack is: a) Do whatever you can to confirm/deny that there is in OM, and even if you can't find evicence keep looking b) Don't talk to her about the R unless she brings it up - get yourself to the point ( or just fake it for now ) where you believe you will be OK with or with out the M c) Don't show her affection - let her come to you. You may have to wait a LONG time, but you reaching out to her just pushes her away. d) Work on yourself which it sounds like you are already doing - address whatever issues led to your M problems e) Start to get your own life (GAL) - do things on your own and make her stat wondering what's going on with you
thats all I can think of for now.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
You all are so very helpful. I can't begin to express how much your words mean to me. She is active on FB and actually did ask about what other people see when you post. I think she surfs FB mainly from her cell phone so I guess a keylogger wouldn't work. She just went to the bathroom to change into her nightgown because i'm in the bedroom. That never happened before! Thanka again for all your help. I forgot to buy sleeping pills so it looks like it's gonna be a long night.
DCB, hi, I'm popping by just to add some incidental thoughts. Do read other threads to find out more and look out for the sterling advice of some vets here. Coach, PDT, and Greek are immensely helpful IMO.
You're suffering now. The good news is that it can get better in the long term; the bad news is it will probably get a lot worse before it gets better.
Reading the post by Trying up there, I have this to add: Remember the person your W was and how you fell in love and shared a life together? Well, she's gone. GO sit down somewhere and START to fully understand and then accept that and what it means. OM or not, that person is gone. It's replaced by someone who may have some distant memory like what yours may tell you, but with very different feelings, aims, and directions right now, many of which will run counter to yours. Trying asked you to remember what YOU were like? Well, I would say just think about what a perfect man / husband looks like, someone no woman will want to walk away from, and where you may fall short, what you can do to get nearer that ideal - and do it for YOU.
Not for W. For YOU. As for W, do you think this new entity in your W's body deserves your undying love? If someone other than your W treated you and your family with blatant disrespect, what would you do?
You may have messed up stuff in your M before, you may have weaknesses; we all do. But you have worth, and value. Never forget that. I've come to see that too many times, LBS do not realise that the first thing they need to do is to re-claim their self-respect. When they get thrown into the hell that only a WAS can inflict on a partner, LBS often lose all perspective and the sense of who they are; and their subsequent actions only serves to reinforce the the fog of the WAS. What would a compassionate but firm man of value do when his wife loses her mind and starts behaving like an alien?
For what it's worth, I'll add in my 2 cents that an OM seems likely. Yeah it sucks, but better to face that than to live in denial. It took me ages (relatively) to even allow the thought in my sitch and that only made it that much worse.
Good luck - many would be silently supporting and rooting for you and your M.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Its going to take at least 3 months of reading this to start developing the correct mindset to dealing with a wayward spouse ( WAW, WAS ). It really is like dealing with an alien and it can make you insane to try to rationalize their thoughts and actions.
Sorry to see you here, but you are in the right place to get the support you need.
Trying and Deep's posts resonate very closely to my situation. Read and re-read them, as they cut to the chase both on your current situation, and a strategy for you to work on.
I have a WAW who walked out and she has said and done alot of the things your W has said/done. Even to the point where she started to dress and undress in the bathroom, as though she was uncomfortable with me seeing her.
Unfortunately, I was in denial for over a year and consequently, I have found out since she was/is seeing OM. As tough as it is we have to move on, though it does not stop you from DB'ing in the process.
As long as it isn't a dealbreaker, if you were to find out she is in an EA/PA would you want her back? I did not heed the advice I was given then because I was scared to upset my W with the actions I was advised to do, but when I read those posts now I so wish I had implemented the advice I was given during the early days. It seems counter-intuitive but it might have worked in restoring my M, but more importantly it would have helped me restore my self esteem and not be seen as a doormat.
As Deep has said, you have to get into the mindset that she has gone for good. The person my W is now is not the person she was - a person I would not want to be with, though a part of me will always love her, as she is the mother of my children.
Why would you want to be with somebody that has treated you this way? You would accept this behaviour if it came from a neighbour or work colleague, as it shows a complete lack of respect towards you. Love and respect are very closely linked, and my W does not respect me in the slightest.
It has taken me 15 months to get to this point. I am still hurt, but I am better than I was ayear ago, no question. Please please take the advice you are being given here, it is coming from people who have gone through this, and in the main our WAS' do follow a script, we, as the LBS's have to rise above the garbage we see and hear.
Make changes for you to become a better man.
good luck.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 04/12/1010:37 AM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
