Hi everyone. I've spent a lot of time reading on here and decided that the best thing was to stop trying to find my situation in someone else's and just speak up. My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 2. We had a few problems during our pre-marriage life, but never anything serious. I'll explain our current situation and then back track a little to explain up to it. About a year ago, she started talking to an ex online We're in TX and he's in CA), sending topless pics, exchanging questionable emails, ect. I happened to find out on accident and things went downhill from there fast. After apologizing, she said that it would end and to not worry. She just did something stupid. Well, my doubt alarm had already gone off, so I kept up with her, yes. . .snooped. Only to find out that there was another person online that she was messing around with. After confronting her on, she told me about losing her feelings for me, how she wasn't in love with me anymore and that she wasn't sexually attracted to me because when we first got together and decided to live together, she was taking care of all of the important things. I'll also backtrack and say that at the time, I was 22, never lived outside of my parents house or a college dorm; and she was 25 and had been living on her own or with someone else since she was 18. So, she started feeling more like a mom than a girlfriend. After we talked, she said that she wanted some time to figure things out, so there were several nights at a neighborhood friend's house and several more at her mom's house. When she came back home, we talked about how there were too many good things in our lives to not work on it. So, we tried counseling, she made it to 2 sessions before declaring that she'd rather us fix it ourselves.
So, I did what I thought I should do and tried to make her happy. I doted on her, took the extra effort to make her comfortable. And things seemed to be getting better. We started to have somewhat of a sex life again, we even talked about starting to try and have a baby back in November.
Well, last week, I could tell that her attitude had changed. She was distant and distracted. Then, out of nowhere, she says that she's not sure about us still. That she needed to think about things. That something's still missing. Well, it turns out that she's found another guy online to occupy her time. Yes, it is sexual in nature. She didn't leave the house, just stayed in another bedroom. I was so shocked by what had just happened, that I did lots of stupid things. I confronted her, told her that it had to stop, that she couldn't possibly make a decision like us splitting up while she was wrapped up in a fantasy online. And just to state the facts, when I have snooped on her, I learned that she makes up lots of things about herself, sends them very specific photos, that show off her better assets. Pretty much giving them a different opinion of who she really is. So, on several different nights, we'd fight, talk about divorce, go our separate ways, and then anywhere from 30 minutes to a couple hours later, she'd either ask to come sleep in bed with me or sneak in, if I was already asleep. Then, it was back to the cold shoulder, don't want to be around you attitude in the morning. We wouldn't really talk, but she still wears her ring, and would initiate the goodbye kiss every morning.
So, during all of this, I did a lot of soul searching. Trying to figure out why this hasn't really stopped from last year. What I was doing wrong that led her back to it. Then, it hit me. I wasn't a husband to her. I was a guy that she knew would take care of her, and I do take care of her. She can be really lazy and I'm very not. So, everything from dishes to laundry to grocery shopping to housework, I do. And really, I don't mind it. I like being active. When I do ask her to help, or on the rare occasion that she volunteers, it's usually about 10 minutes of help before she wanders off and declares that I do a better job anyway. I realized that she doesn't have any respect for me as a man. She was still fighting all of my battles, handling all of our important decisions and dilemmas. I know that it got to a point where she just felt like she had to because I wasn't responsible enough to do it. And the problem was, I would let her. I know that I've had a problem with confrontation. I don't like people mad at me, and would tend to shy away from situations where I felt that was threatened. So, I came to a big realization, not just for my marriage, but for myself. I had to finally grow up. I was in an adult relationship, I'm 29, and I still acted like I was 20. I kinda figured out that when she started realizing that I was still stuck in my same old ways, that's when she started to detach.
So, last Thursday, I wrote her a very simple but to the point letter. I didn't beg her to try again, I didn't plead. I simply told her all of that. And I was 100% committed to this new life of taking on responsibility and not shying away from stepping up to the plate. And I told her that I hope she wanted to join me. She thanked me for the letter and left it at that. Well, that night, I went into her room to ask her a question and, of course, an IM popped up from the other guy. Well, I totally lost it, ordered the Petition for Divorce paperwork and started filling it out. Told her that I wanted her out of the house right then and I wasn't going to be fair when it came to the divorce, so get a good lawyer. It wasn't my finest moment, but it was just this overwhelming feeling of betrayal and lack of respect that put me over the top. So, after some screaming back and forth, we settled on her staying that night and leaving the next day. Well, again, about an hour later, a knock on my door. . .can I sleep in here? I agreed and we go to bed.
She spent the weekend at her mom's house and this morning, texted me that she wanted to come home. During all of this, I finally started doing a lot of things that I was too lazy to do before. I cleaned out our garage, did our back yard, called about a credit card bill, took care of some insurance details. I told her I wasn't trying to impress her, just doing what I knew needed to get done and it felt good to do those things. So, she came home, I approached her with a new attitude. No marriage talk and no pouting. We actually have talked a lot today about random things, I've tried to joke with her and just act more like myself, despite the fact that she's been in bed watching movies or napping all day. I don't really know where she's at right now.
I know the best thing to do is just let her come to me since I have pressed her so many times before. But, I just have this feeling that she still totally doubts that anything will be different. That I'm just putting on a show for her. Is there something else I can do or say that helps her make that leap? I genuinely know that things will be different. I have so much confidence in myself now. I WANT to be a better man, a better husband. I finally realized how crappy it must be for her to have to feel like she's wearing the pants and taking care of big decisions, and I don't want it to go on like that any more. So, I know that's a lot, but any advice? Thanks!
I'm about to head to bed, but I would say, right off the top of my head, that you should:
1) Keep up your positive changes, but BE PATIENT about them. It's going to take awhile for her to know that they're for real, esp. if she's in fantasy la-la land right now.
2) If it were me, I would cut off her internet access. What is your financial arrangement in the marriage? You should refuse to pay for anything that in any way enables her online infidelities.
I'm certainly no expert, but I'd think if your wife is sending topless pix that this is a deeper issue than just you not taking responsibility or stepping up to the plate.
Scott- pls be careful and change your user name now if that's your real name. My H just found my entire thread despite me changing my name and has read it all. You need this to be a safe place- change all your p/w's, clear out the history on your browser every time you use it and lock your computer when you're not there. If you buy the DB book, hide it well from her. I know I sound paranoid, but I just lost access to all the wonderful support I've found here for the past month, AND my H now knows all that I was trying to do, which I think has made me totally lose my chance with him.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Just an update though. I woke up at 2 and noticed she was gone. I found her outside on the phone. Calmly went back to bed. When she came in, she said that she doent think she can stay married. That it's not fair to me that she has feelings for this other person. I didn't and haven't had much of a response. I told her that she knows how I feel and I can't be too upset because we let ourselves get to this point.
I would start logging the incidents while she's on the wall. Log this incident: "4/12/2010 02:00 Outside on the phone talking with OM. Came inside and said she doesn't think she could stay married"
Why does this other [censored] have so much influence on her. And you know like we all do, this is not a fair fight we are in at all.
Look at Officer In Need ( OIN ), a very good man with good intentions, treats his wife well, same boat as the rest of us.
Sorry to add a little more but there were a few things I wanted to add. When we agreed to try and work on things over this past year, it's pretty easy to look back and see two things. One, I put too much effort into trying to "win her back" and I'm pretty sure she was trying to make herself feel things. We never actually worked on US, no getting out and having fun, dates, things like that.
Also, about last night, the other thing that she said was that she was having feelings about wanting to meet this guy, who btw, is married with 2 kids. She sAid this was different because before she never had any intention of meeting the other people. So, yeah.
