Love you too, Cinders!!! I am happy for you. I know you already know this (and you can remind me if I ever start dating) not to confuse infatuation or newness with stronger emotions.
He is a lucky guy.
Hugs!!!
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
So much has happened since I last wrote. No, as you can tell by my note to Cinders, I am not dating. There is a lot of activity with my kids and work is keeping me busy. My ex keeps looking for reasons to be angry with me in a passive aggressive way. She does the same things to the kids. She still refuses to set a schedule for the kids between my place and hers even though she sees the kids doing what they want, meaning they come and go as they please and not always are the kids with her all three at the same time. I have the youngest still with me this week although the two older kids are with their mom. And when she asked if the youngest was going to stay with her, he replied probably not.
I suggested that she just say, "I will pick you up on Friday" and not ask but she said speaking louder so he could hear her, "I don't want to force him to come over". Sheesh! The poor kids are getting the same kind of guilty attitude that my ex hated about her mother and swore against ever being like her.
When my D17 was talking with me one Saturday morning a couple of weeks ago, she made a comment about me being too nice and a less than genuine smile. I had no idea where that came from until my ex made a comment to me the other day when I was not outwardly angry (ranting and raving) about an issue that I was hiding my feelings and I have a fake smile (we were talking on the phone at the time). The issue was not about me but something to do with S14 and school and something unfair (genuinely) that occurred. I ignored her comment for the most part but it was obvious that my daughter parroted what she had heard from her mother. Further, when my daughter and I were speaking, she said her mom was very passive aggressive. I replied that if it bothers her, to let her mom know. Good advice? Not sure but I dont want my kids to experience this but instead respectfully discuss it with their mother.
Thats all for now. I have a lot of work to do.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I have a different opinion with regards to "forcing" the kids to spend time with you....play nike and just do it. I have had to make my kids eat veggies, take baths, brush their teeth etc. I thinkit's different for the ones who left though. My H won't "make" the kids go with him either. So, 1 1/2 yrs post sep. he comes to the house to visit them. I seems odd I know, but it works well for us.
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I replied that if it bothers her, to let her mom know. Good advice? Not sure but I dont want my kids to experience this but instead respectfully discuss it with their mother.
I was given a different slant recently. My H texts kids in the am when they are in school. They roll their eyes at me and say "what does he think we're doing?" Like you, I've tole them to talk to him about it. Won't happen. B/c he and I talk once a week re:kids, I was encouraged to tell him. I'll let you know how that plays out. It's on my list for this weeks call.
My XH has 'made' our children do things like go on holiday with him and OW. Ok so they went, to keep the peace but believe me they resent him for it.
Seems you have two sides of the coin to consider MMF. At the end of the day I still believe your kids are old enough to make up thier own minds but like mine they are falling prey to manipulation by the WAS along the way.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Grace and ACJ, sorry for leaving the board for so long.
Everyone, it has flip flopped, since my ex now is off during the week and working on the weekends. My nightmare is now where I only see my kids on the weekends. I really miss them. Even when they are there on the weekends, the two older ones naturally go out with their friends.
I miss them sooooo much!
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Oh something else. I keep hearing from the kids what my ex has said to me since right before she left and even more recently. I would think that I really am doing or have done those things except they are saying almost verbatim what my ex has said to me. I keep thinking she is saying these things to them to get them "on her side". If it isn't, I feel like the worst person in the world while I want to be a good dad.
It seems like things keep getting worse.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Glad to see you back but sorry for the reason for the visit.
I'm not understanding entirely, what is it that she is feeding the kids that they are repeating to you?
And, did I read this correctly? You don't see them at all during the week but you have them every weekend? How was your custody agreement written? 50/50?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hi Mishka, I appreciate you posting. It has been a long time since we talked.
I am not sure she is saying things to the kids completely although they have shared with me some minor things that were discussed.
One thing that comes to mind is how it appeared that I was the sole parent and that even their mom was treated a one of them. There were a number of other things said that made me thing that they were parroting back what she said. Not because of the content but in the delivery. It could have been my ex saying those things with minimal or no changes in how they were said.
I know that my ex spouse has always felt that people had to choose sides. She doesn't say that but it comes out that way in her actions including who the kids choose to stay with for the time or if they choose to go somewhere with me or with here if the destination, such as a school function comes up. She looks displeased. Other people that know both of us and, on the rare occasion see us together have commented that my ex doesn't hide the lack of respect she feels towards me and they have seen her do that in front of the kids. Now, I feel like I get very little respect from the kids. For a couple of hours last night, the grilled me about who we all know mutually that said that they have noticed that the kids have been disrespectful. I told the kids this was an example right here with the grilling they were giving me.
They said to me that (almost four years now) that I dont seem to get upset and it seems unnatural (my ex's words exactly). They even suggested that I not smile so much around my ex as it makes her uncomfortable (an example of my ex telling the kids things she probably shouldn't say). My ex told me this once when she was ticked off at me that my smiling makes her uncomfortable. I had replied that she had told me, in the past, if I don't smile I can appear to be angry. Actually, I am usually lost in thought, not angry.
The good thing, I think, that has come out of this, is that the kids are sharing what they feel. Unfortunately, after our conversation, I feel like I was and am now the worst dad ever.
In the custody agreement, I am the residential parent. She only wanted the kids every other weekend when it was drawn up. Since then, it "seems" like she has encouraged the kids to see me less and less to the point I see them only on the weekends and, even then, the kids are busy with their friends. I told them last night that I miss them and the custody is for them to spend half the time with me. They said that I cannot force them to stay with me and I responded that I wasnt saying that. I explained that what I am trying to say is that it is important to the kids and to the parents that they spend as much time together between each parent. I said I would never force them to stay with me or go to their moms.
Mishka, it has changed a lot with my attitude from about 4 months before my wife even said she was through. In fact, prior to the relationship she wanted with a co worker, we were getting closer and she commented often about how much more relaxed I was and that I didnt let things upset me so much. Even after she left, and I had the kids full time, I continued to work on myself to be the dad I am supposed to be and to continue treating my wife with love and respect (from a distance and no outward comments, just acts of respect).
I was talking to my mom late last night and asked her to be honest with me if she sees me as being tough to be around. She said I used to be and rarely she can see me stress but I have been consistent about showing love and patience with my entire family.
At the same time, I have always said, if others all have the same problem with a person, it is probably not the other people with a problem. I keep self reflecting and while I am far from perfect, I don't know what else I can do? I feel like they will not forgive me for my past. I know my ex does not forgive people she has felt that have wronged her in her past, including me.
I know that God doesn't give a person more than they can handle but this has almost been four years and I feel like my heart is constantly being wrenched from my chest. If I don't have my wife and my kids, I don't feel like this life holds anything for me.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
MMF, I'm so sorry you are feeling so horribly down and torn. It's a very fine line between being the person you want to be and making sure that you are the person that everyone around you can relate to. The way your family relates to you now is directly influenced by the way they related in the past.
I'm not sure if that makes any sense. It does in my own head and that is a seriously messed up place still! I'm not good with advice, but I can offer you my support and sympathy.
As far as what the kids are saying, please know that you will need to take it with a grain of salt. They are TEENAGERS! They are going to push boundaries because they want to feel that they are making their own decisions without parental influence. Is it possible that they are staying more with your xw than you because she lets them do whatever they want and you are a more strict parent? I can tell you from experience that my son never stayed with his dad because he was always harping on him, and just generally being on top of him. I'm more laid back. I'm strict with the important things, but not so much with the day to day stuff.
Do you see anything in your parenting style that might be causing them to rebel as typical teenagers?
Just spitballing ideas.
One more question for you. What are you doing for yourself? What activities do you have planned for you?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
