I'm taking off my ring April 9

[pearlharbr]

Agree with Puppy. You've had your say, anything else just makes you look like you'll give in on everything sooner or later.

If you start making allowances and exceptions now then you've just negated your boundaries.

No, W does NOT have to be in contact with OW. She needs to know and believe that if she chooses to do that then there will be consequences.

[AmyBel]

wow! You guys think I implied "no contact" and that if I say "OK to contact in counselor's office" I'll be giving permission.

I think I implied "go for it" and that if I say "OK only in counselor's office" I'll be asserting my boundaries.

I said "no marriage rules" but "be aware that choices you make will have an effect"

I think she heard "Go have a relationship with the OW, call me when you decide"

It is really bugging me that I think she heard that. My self respect is taking a beating...

But, I'm hearing you say: Lay low. Let things happen as they will. Take care of myself and stop trying to control her.

OK. Back to the mantras. (I keep re-reading the threads and the lists of advice. Maybe the 100th time it will stick!)

[gucci loafer]

Amybel,

Remember... Love works best when it is FREELY given.
When the lover has the total freedom out of pure choice to come or go without pressure or rules or conditions.
When there are rules and conditions it isn't as easy to give it freely. It can become like a job.

THAT is what will work the best. She has to feel total freedom to go. Then if and when she goes, she needs to "wonder" if she screwed up because you seem to be not only ok, but thriviing without her.

[pearlharbr]

If you meant "go for it" then it would be even more important to not amend it now. Either you're letting W go do what she wants or you aren't. And yes, telling her when/where she can contact OW is trying to control her.

If she heard, "Go have fun with OW, call me when you decide" then that's her perception. It's up to you to decide if you will sit around waiting for that to happen or to live your life on your terms.

Do you remember exactly what you said? This is why it's important to be clear and not wishy washy when stating boundaries.

Yes, lay low. Stop making this about W and start making it about Amybel. What are you doing to GAL this weekend?

[AmyBel]

Pearl,

What I wrote earlier is what I said: "not married" so "I can't make rules for you" but "you know what my preference is" and "you need to know that your choices will have an effect on my future choices" I guess I really can't control what she HEARD. The counselor tried a couple of times to clarify to her that engaging in a romantic relationship would be counter to what she said she wanted to do (figure out what she wants), but she wasn't hearing him. No reason to believe she would hear me. No matter what I say. So you are right. Gotta let that go.

I went to see "how to train a dragon" today. It was just perfect! Wonderful light fantasy with a feel-good ending and not too much angst or war or guts. Exactly what I needed.

Tomorrow I will be working at my internship and running a drumming class. These are things that feed me. Give me a sense that I'm creating my future and that my future is something to look forward to.

I could do more GAL if I didn't have a 35 page paper to finish in order to graduate... But boy-howdy will graduation be a reward!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I went to see "how to train a dragon" today. It was just perfect! Wonderful light fantasy with a feel-good ending and not too much angst or war or guts. Exactly what I needed.

Tomorrow I will be working at my internship and running a drumming class. These are things that feed me. Give me a sense that I'm creating my future and that my future is something to look forward to.

Kudos and atta-persons!!!

Puppy

[AmyBel]

Just got the news that my mom has stage 3 or 4 ovarian cancer.

(insert many swear words here)

So... I need a plan for communicating with W.
1. She needs to know, this has been her mom too for 16 years.
2. I think a mutual friend needs to tell her. I have someone in mind with whom there is no baggage for either of us. Then my sister will add her to the Caring Bridge web site so she'll continue to be informed, like anyone else who cares about my mom.
3. I need to know what I'm asking W to do and NOT do in response. I predict she will want to ride to the rescue. To take care of me. She did this with the glaucoma attack two weeks ago. I, of course, would like her to suddenly see the light, fall out of love with the OW, and restore all of our married bliss. I also know that this is pure fantasy and wouldn't be TRUE even if she said it was.

I'd also like Mom to be cured tomorrow and there to be no more war. No?

Gotta say, I just had a complete priority re-adjustment!

[any chance?]

Thoughts are with you. I am familiar with your pain. Hang in there, and take care of yourself

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm so very sorry, Amy. That's a horrible thing to have to add to your family's plate right now. I will say a prayer for your mom!

I think the Caring Bridge site is an excellent way for your WAW to communicate with your mom. Just shoot her an e=mail, and let her know what's going on. Say something like "I don't need you to take care of me, but I did think you would want to know," or something similar.

Puppy

[Awoken]

Been lurking on your thread for a while.
Just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your mother.