I realize there's a huge amount of information and answers in these forums and I've read some of the posts. The problem is, 2 days ago my wife told me she no longer wanted to be married to me, didn't love me anymore and was ready to end our marriage. I can't hardly type this through the tears. I'm too upset do anymore research. I need some help! She's 41 and I'm 45. We have a 17yr old daughter and a 11yr old son. Sorry I haven't learned the abbreviations yet. She suggested that I move out when the kids go out of town to visit Grandma after schools is out for the summer. I know she's felt unhappy as we've suffered great financial hardship the last few years which has effected our life. She feels like we never do anything or have fun. In addition, I've been short-tempered with lack of consideration and compassion for my family. I've ordered books from this web site and am desperate to rekindle my marriage relationship as well as with my children. I need to keep my family togethyer. Please Help!!!
When they get like this they will be angry alot. There will be nothing you can do right. The best thing you can do is the 180 and start GAL ( Get A Life ). If you are lucky they will be reinterested in you once you rebuilt.
Its not likely that they will turn around when tey start thinking like this. For all you know, she was waiting till her daughter got old enough. They rationalize some crap in their minds, but you will not convince them out of it.
There is alot of help and support here to help you through your situation.
And yes, let her be as angry as she wants to. Do not react to it. They do this to pick fights, put you on the defensive, etc. Screw that! DO NOT RISE TO THE BAIT. Ever!
The selfishness of WAW's is an amazing thing to behold, and the more you cower and cry, the more cruel they become. Take some of the wind out of her sails by agreeing with her decision to split.
Say, "You're right. This isn't working for me either. My feelings for you have changed."
They hate that and it is really funny how they will take offense. They can certainly dish it out, but they can't take it.
First of all, breathe. i am a rookie so i won;t be offering too much advice other than to say . Listen to the vets. They will help you through this. I have had mixed success becaue i get good advice but then let my emotions take over when talking to w.
As for the abbreviations, check out the link on the forum. it will help.
lastly, i was there where you are about 4 months ago and i thought i was going to die. Could not breathe well, eating was a chore, could not even watch more than two seconds of tv without changing the channel.
This will get better. Trust me, day by day it gets better but it is slow and painful. No question about it.
Most important thing. Focus on kids and yourself. Really hard to do and you probably will have episodes of hopelessness but keep plugging away. Sleep was almost impossible but force yourself and even take a sleeping pill. Stay healthy
u will get through this one way or another.
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Thank's so much for the responses! Couple things I forgot to mention. We've been married almost 13 years. The bigger issue is our home. We actually sold our previous home 2 1/2yrs ago and relocated to our hometown moving into a home owned by my wife and her siblings. I'm not on title and have no claim to the property so it's really not my place to demand to stay. At this point she's friendly to me. I've been working 7 days a week trying to get ahead of the financial curve and bring some relief to our lives. Yesterday I was so distrought (sp?) I couldn't leave the house without talking to her first. I was a total basket case (crying, trying to breathe....I'm not proud)!!! She hugged me and said maybe we should try counseling. It's too late for me to agree with her regarding a split. She knows I'll do anything to heal that wounds that brought us to this stage. It's really a problem with me that I need to work on. I need to harness my temper (I'm not at all abusive, just quick to raise my voice) and be more loving and patient with my family. While she'll hug me she will not be inimate. I just ordered the books and don't yet know what the "180" is but I need to make changes. I'd love to know your thoughts now that you have a bit more info. and again, THANK YOU! I've never been this upset in my 45yr life and absolutly can't stand to see an end to my family!!!
try and use paragraphs. its easier to follow your thread
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
So she wants you to try councelling. is that MC-marriage councelling or IC- individual councelling. If its MC, maybe things aren`t as bas as you think.
Sandi2 and Puppy are two of the best on this site. They both have stated that you cannot seem so needy or clingy right now and believe, i know how hard it is not to be. But they don`t see it as attractive and not worth going back to. Try real hard to not be that way. Crying in front of her must stop, She will not feel sorry for you but will resent your weakness.
180 btw is doing the opposite of what you are doing. In other words, if you are pursuing, do the exact opposite. I know it sounds like a school age game but it is important.
Stay tuned for more expert advice
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
ninelives, you're exactly right! No sleep, no food in 2 days and I have to have the radio on with any other possible noise. What a mess! I wish you much luck with your relationship and only wish there was more focus on avoiding these problems.
I will focus on the kids and am giving notice to leave my weekend job. With luck this will be my last weekend. I started a new job last week and have 3 day weekends for the next 6 weeks so I hope to take advantage of that time to rebuild my relationship. I told my wife this before leaving this morning and she agreed we'd attend church together as a family with me home on weekends. I'm so anxious to receive the book and start taking the steps required to keep my family together! I appreciate your help here. As I said, at the moment I can't bring myself to research past posts and appreciate your response to what I'm sure is a common topic, unfortunatley.
You're not on the title, but are you helping to pay the mortgage? If so, tell her if she insists you move out, she has to take full financial responsibility for the house, since you're not an owner.
I still wouldn't move out without talking to a lawyer.
Keep breathing, and do not act out of emotion. Use the 48-hour rule on any action you think you want to take. This calls for calm, cool strategy.
Oh, and I hate to say this, but I'd say the odds are she's met someone else and is either in an EA or a PA.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Thanks ninelives! I'll "man-up" in front of her. In fact, I learned enough on this forum yesterday to avoid the tears in front of her this morning.
The MC was my idea. She mentioned that she considered IC but hadn't yet seen anyone.
We went for a walk together last night but I really feel the tension. I'll be nice and devote myself to activities with the kids and projects around the house. I'm afraid she'll dismiss these things of acts of desperation rather than a new focus on life and family. I really look forward to practicing the steps in the book. Thanks again for the help.
