Haven't had any contact with H for 11 days. The thing is that at some point I will have to contact him as there are practical things to be taken care of. By the way, speaking of practical things, H has completely abstained from any financial contribution towards house/son's expenses for at least 9 months now, initially claiming that he was waiting for delayed payments to him and later on he declared for the millionth time that he has been giving and giving for the last 25 years (as if I wasn't), and that after all, I am the one with the resources (meaning personal property)which I could sell in order to cover son's college expenses...unbelievable...
As a matter of fact he has conveniently unloaded every responsibility re house and kids on me, while he remains out of sight in his "sanctuary" as he calls his aptmt. Nice...
H was a model father before MLC. He would give his body and soul for his family. I can't recognize this man. So, this whole situation is very hard to handle, as I've been going through this all alone. I have no family for support and only a handful of friends who I can talk to. I have also kept the kids out of this as much as I could, (they know nothing about ow) because a)their R with father would be affected and b)I want to spare them the stress being away at school and such..
I understand that all of the above is an all too familiar MLC script but I can't help but feel short-circuited as to what to do.
Any advice?
Bomb: 4/2009 M28 T32 Sep8 Me: 53, H:57 S20,D17 D papers filed by H: 2013 H didn't follow up with divorce I completely let go ever since
I think the additional advice is to go out and make more friends. I can tell you from my own experience that you are hurting nobody but yourself by being isolated. People in MLC can't be talked to or reasoned with and you can't really expect them to be even a shadow of their former self. They are in a place that is untouchable from any of that. For me, getting out and meeting new friends, joining a local divorce (she asked for a divorce again a few months ago and I stopped fighting it after more than 2 years of abuse), and doing things for me has REALLY helped. My expectations of W are nil. Just when I think I can take her at her word, she proves me wrong and I've learned that I can't rely on her for anything. Making friends has really helped. Talking to friends that are not joint friends has helped even more but I'm not cautious about talking to even joint friends anymore except to not wear them out. Anger seems natural. Don't fight the anger if you can help it. Instead, think back to what specifically you are angry about and work through it. Decide if it benefits you to be angry or if you need to let it be. If you can't do anything about the situation that caused you angry (not the whole situation or him leaving, but the specific thing that triggered it this time), then let it go and deal with it. You cannot change him. The more you try the more you will feel powerless and the more he will resist and feel like he is validated. Seems counter intuitive at the moment, but trust me, it's true.
The best way to deal with it is to live well. Not out of revenge, but out of respect for you. Don't do anything out of anger or revenge. Those are dead ends and will only hurt you and make you bitter. If that happens, he has controlled you and he has validated his feelings.
My thoughts.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I have been trying to GAL. It's just quite hard to do when all of a sudden after so many years I find myself a "single mother" more or less with all responsibilities dumped on me like that. I know I have to keep my cool and be strong, but I do have bad days when I feel down and fearful...
Glad to hear that you are managing well though...like I said before, putting theory into practice is the hard part in this.
Bomb: 4/2009 M28 T32 Sep8 Me: 53, H:57 S20,D17 D papers filed by H: 2013 H didn't follow up with divorce I completely let go ever since
Hello elfie, it is a really big step to take yourself out and about when you have been dealing with this devastation.
I have had to take myself completely out of my comfort zone and tried very hard to 'carry on as normal' during the last 6 months - it's been incredibly hard at times but I have been overwhelmed at just how kind people have been towards me. I am sure you will find the same thing.
I imagine that your husband's OW has a reputation about town anyway and people will have the proper measure of her. They will see you carrying yourself with dignity and calmness and that will speak volumes about the person you are.
In the UK there is a very glamorous singer called Shirley Bassey (awesome lady who has a great love of sequins) and I call it "Basseying Up" when I put my make up on and smile and get on with the show.......fake it till you make it as some say.
lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
A friend convinced me to see a lawyer right after H left. The L told me then that he wasn't liable for child support once children are over 18 and that in order for him to have to pay any support for them (being still students), the children themselves would have to file a claim. At that point and time I didn't know what the development of our R would be like, so I didn't do anything, thinking that if I involved lawyers and such it would make matters worse between us.
You see, for a few months after exposure of the A, H acted towards me as though he was willing to come back, he just "needed time to heal" as he put it. And since I was too frustrated with all this, I did all the wrong things, especially bringing up the "forbidden" subject of ow often, which in turn pushed him away. At some point he said to me that I will never change and he started distancing.
Just think, that although we had Xmas together as a family, H for the first time in our long life together,hadn't bought a present for me. Yet, he was home, ate with us the Xmas dinner I had prepared, I gave him his presents, but he had nothing for me. I wonder if that had anything to do with any of the "children" in him...Now that I think about it, I think it must have.. I tried to ignore it of course and I never said anything.. The same story with my birthday, he didn't even send me an e-card. Mind you, he had always been the one in our R that always remembered such things as cards and presents, etc.
In retrospect, I see myself shell-shocked for about a year now, confused as to what is the right thing to do, so as not to make things worse.
The L's advice was to have a meeting with H and discuss finances. So I called him, suggested we go out to dinner together to discuss a few things and he accepted after I promised to him that I wouldn't bring up the ow issue. However, a few minutes through dinner, after xchanging some pleasantries and he seemed to be fine and calm, the moment I brought up the subject of finances and what his intentions were in that deptmt., his face changed from anger and he cut me off saying: "I see, all you care about is money" in a derogatory way. I was left speechless at his reaction, as I realized then that he had really lost it. I had to immediately change the subject in order to avoid a scene in public and to make him stay to finish the meal, because he was ready to leave.
All this is so painful...
Bomb: 4/2009 M28 T32 Sep8 Me: 53, H:57 S20,D17 D papers filed by H: 2013 H didn't follow up with divorce I completely let go ever since
It's funny, but as I am re-reading what I have written, I feel that I may be coming across as really pathetic or a doormat, but honestly now, this MLC business has really thrown me off. In my mind my MLCer H is perceived as a "sick" person that should have my empathy and compassion, while at the same time his behavior makes me dislike him so much.
I read in some thread that if MLC has all of these (same) symptoms in people, how come and it's not recognized as a psychiatric disorder? I had the same question, especially when it comes to the "children" aspect, which is still giving me the creeps when I think about it. It's so neighboring schizofrenia isn't it?
After having read other threads in this forum I also realize that "my story" is so commonplace that it may be boring to older posters. This forum contains so many stories which sound almost identical except for the names of the participants and the geografical location maybe lol
Bomb: 4/2009 M28 T32 Sep8 Me: 53, H:57 S20,D17 D papers filed by H: 2013 H didn't follow up with divorce I completely let go ever since
Hello lalxx, I have started reading your thread, and I see that you are in a similar situation as I am, and I am very sorry for that. It is a good thing at least, that we have found this forum where we can reach out to each other and find some comfort in this bleakness.
"I have had to take myself completely out of my comfort zone and tried very hard to 'carry on as normal' during the last 6 months - it's been incredibly hard at times but I have been overwhelmed at just how kind people have been towards me. I am sure you will find the same thing".
This has been very hard for me too. As for people, MLC is not something easily understood by people who haven't had any exposure to it, but people generally do show understanding and kindness, yes.
"I imagine that your husband's OW has a reputation about town anyway and people will have the proper measure of her. They will see you carrying yourself with dignity and calmness and that will speak volumes about the person you are."
Oh, yes, you can say that again.. I only wish my H could see that...Actually she has long had the reputation of the opportunist and a lowlife. Unfortunately she just happened to be there at the right moment for him, it wasn't a conscious choice..she was the "available" body to act out his teenage fantasy...and I know he is ashamed of that now, it's just that he can't admit it to himself. He blames me for the A and for everything under the sun too.
"In the UK there is a very glamorous singer called Shirley Bassey (awesome lady who has a great love of sequins) and I call it "Basseying Up" when I put my make up on and smile and get on with the show.......fake it till you make it as some say"
I know Shirley Bassey and I like her singing a lot. And yes, I see what you mean by "Basseying Up",.. good for you!! Keep it up!! I am managing to do that too now, although I do get my low days..
My thoughts are with you and you are in my prayers..
Keep posting.
Bomb: 4/2009 M28 T32 Sep8 Me: 53, H:57 S20,D17 D papers filed by H: 2013 H didn't follow up with divorce I completely let go ever since
I was thinking the same thing the other day, about MLC being diagnosed. I`m having a hard time explaining why I`m divorcing my H. I certainly didn`t want this, I tried to save my M, H doesn`t want to be M. If everyone here didn`t go through almost exactly the same drama, I never would have believed this.
No, you don`t sound pathetic. You sound like a woman who believed in her man. It`s hard when you realize you can`t count on him anymore.
I often wonder if my H will ever wake up? He honestly believes I`m the reason for his unhappiness. If he does wake up, will he be man enough to admit this?
