(I think I made a mistake in making myself feel responsible for H. Maybe my marriage would still be intact if I had just done the things I'm doing now, then? (Then again, maybe not! He wouldn't really fit in with my new friends very well.)
I am struggling with this one right now. I am pretty detached ---I do like that! So some things I've always struggled with, are coming more easily.
Like walking away from one of his rants--which can turn into red-faced screaming on his part that he has NO idea what he even said when they are done. Now, I have a script: "Sorry you feel this way H. I hope things in the future can be a different". Then I turn and walk away.
***there is one coming tomorrow--they usually come on Mondays since it is just he and I on our own (he's off on Mondays) and S is in school.***
I have felt anxious about that off and on today, but I did a littl thinking about it, and you know? I have to show him over and over and over until he gets it--you just aren't going to scream at me any more. Part of my joy and peace that I have FINALLY obtained in this R is the fact that I can now walk away from these things with absolutely no guilt.
I think I got validating a little skewed in the DBing process the first time around, because validating is not letting them scream at you. It's letting them have their say, but it cannot be a rant that lasts 20 minutes. Duh!!lol.
I've also been struggling a bit with his resentment. He has been sulky!! Which is anger really. I know he's not sure how to deal with it, now that the ranting is off limits. I did read somewhere that greating your H warmly by name is a good one for conquering resentment. So I have been trying that out--boy, does that feel awkward when they are pretty much seething at you as you do it!lol.
But a couple of positives here lately--asked if I would like some lunch, still calls me "mom" (which, the first time he stopped for pretty much the entire 9 months.) He put up curtain rods in S's room without being asked (well, not that I was ever going to ask myself, but I would have had S ask his dad to do it) And he called me sweetie yesterday! Wow, that was nice to hear!
Still no touching and he practically runs when he sees I am going for in for a hug.lol. My counselor said to get my hands on him and be very flirty. Which, I can do only because of how detached I am right now. Heck, I am a "touchy, flirty gal" now (or aspire to be!) and he'll just have to deal with the new me. Or not. Either way, this is what I am going to be for ME!!
All in all, I am hopeful and know I have some months ahead of me that will be challenging. S and I checked out a new coffee shop in town today that has different music groups that play regularly. We had such a nice chat with the owners, a lovely couple who were really easy to talk to. I am so looking forward to going back!
Why should H fit in with "your new friends"... ? It seems to me anyone who respects their marriage would have the "new friends" fit in with the both of you. If they can't they have to go. Thats the right way.
Theres been many people who have left for a new group of friends. Its the same as leaving for another lover.
