(I think I made a mistake in making myself feel responsible for H. Maybe my marriage would still be intact if I had just done the things I'm doing now, then? (Then again, maybe not! He wouldn't really fit in with my new friends very well.)
I am struggling with this one right now. I am pretty detached ---I do like that! So some things I've always struggled with, are coming more easily.
Like walking away from one of his rants--which can turn into red-faced screaming on his part that he has NO idea what he even said when they are done. Now, I have a script: "Sorry you feel this way H. I hope things in the future can be a different". Then I turn and walk away.
***there is one coming tomorrow--they usually come on Mondays since it is just he and I on our own (he's off on Mondays) and S is in school.***
I have felt anxious about that off and on today, but I did a littl thinking about it, and you know? I have to show him over and over and over until he gets it--you just aren't going to scream at me any more. Part of my joy and peace that I have FINALLY obtained in this R is the fact that I can now walk away from these things with absolutely no guilt.
I think I got validating a little skewed in the DBing process the first time around, because validating is not letting them scream at you. It's letting them have their say, but it cannot be a rant that lasts 20 minutes. Duh!!lol.
I've also been struggling a bit with his resentment. He has been sulky!! Which is anger really. I know he's not sure how to deal with it, now that the ranting is off limits. I did read somewhere that greating your H warmly by name is a good one for conquering resentment. So I have been trying that out--boy, does that feel awkward when they are pretty much seething at you as you do it!lol.
But a couple of positives here lately--asked if I would like some lunch, still calls me "mom" (which, the first time he stopped for pretty much the entire 9 months.) He put up curtain rods in S's room without being asked (well, not that I was ever going to ask myself, but I would have had S ask his dad to do it) And he called me sweetie yesterday! Wow, that was nice to hear!
Still no touching and he practically runs when he sees I am going for in for a hug.lol. My counselor said to get my hands on him and be very flirty. Which, I can do only because of how detached I am right now. Heck, I am a "touchy, flirty gal" now (or aspire to be!) and he'll just have to deal with the new me. Or not. Either way, this is what I am going to be for ME!!
All in all, I am hopeful and know I have some months ahead of me that will be challenging. S and I checked out a new coffee shop in town today that has different music groups that play regularly. We had such a nice chat with the owners, a lovely couple who were really easy to talk to. I am so looking forward to going back!
