Because I am not the one giving up and still am holding true to my marriage vows, I have refused to take my ring off even though she has. I'm not sure what she thinks whenever she sees me still wearing my ring.
Would it be a better DB technique, showing I've moved on, if I just gave in and took the ring off? I feel it's important in my vows and commitment to trusting God that I continue wearing it. Only one of us has given up and checked out on the marriage.
No it is not better DB techniques to show her you have moved on. Don't play games. If you want your m back then keep the ring on. If you show her you have moved on it just justifies what she is doing.
Take focus off your w. Work on yourself.Do things for yourself.You need to detach.
I'm not exactly sure why you're dark right now, to be honest.
Usually going dark is used when a wandering spouse is flaunting an affair in your face or regularly spewing venom at you when the two of you are together. Going dark is most typically used when you have a spouse who is behaving badly. And going dark is predominantly for YOU - an effort to insulate yourself from some of the things that feel like a daily dose of accupuncture via steak knives.
Detachment takes some time. I"m not sure how far along your story is (since the bomb), but you sound like someone who is still in the very early stages of the announcement.
You aren't in Indiana by chance, are you? Your divorce process sounds quite similar to how it works here. My now ex-wife filed in October 2006 and we were divorced just before Christmas that same year.
Others have probably around mentioned this, but the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to get YOUR life on track. It's tough to do that when you spend all your free hours analyzing your spouse and what she's doing and thinking. We all know how hard it is to stop yourself, but that's what makes getting on with your life so important.
You cannot control your wife, I think you know this. Worrying and obsessing about what is to come serves no good purpose. While you do not need to give up on your marriage, I think you DO need to find a way to count your wife as lost for now. Somehow you must free yourself to find peace and purpose without her in your life. What would you be doing right now if your wife had recently passed away? Because that's probably how you should be approaching things now.
It's tough when you have to see them. Especially tough if they give the appearance of being happy and content. By the way, you mentioned in an earlier post that your wife seems less meticulous about things these days. Let me suggest to you that playing the single parent is reason enough for her sloppiness. The path she has chosen is not all roses - it's tough to work, care for a home, and care for children, all on your own.
You can make it through this regardless of the outcome, but only if you begin to care a bit more about establishing yourself right now.
There is nothing that can be done with your wife right now.
Make it a goal for her to see YOU as happy and content the next she sees you, instead of the other way around.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thank you for the link. I see from your information that your h recently wants to r. That sounds like great news. I'd love to learn more how you were able to make this happen. I'm looking for success stories to model and to help get me through.
CH, I've been away for a while trying to get through another tough time with my Sitch. Go back and re-read what your saying in your most recent post to Mila. Two things stick out to me. First is that her H made the decision to come back. What she did more than likely was to give him the space he needed to find his way.
The other thing that stuck out to me is you are asking for success stories to model. As someone who has tried to go down this path I can tell you first hand its a mistake. You can't model a behavior or try and be something your not. What will more than likely happen is you will try something then either expect a reaction or take the temperature to see if its working.
Also take a second look at Bill's post. From what I understand he is one of the biggest success stories on this forum. Not because he saved his M but because he saved himself. Ask yourself why you have decided to go dark. I personally have decided to go dark because of the pain involved with dealing with my STBXW. Its for me not for her. My protection not her punishment or to prove a point.
Here's the bottom line. If you are using a method or a tactic to get your W to change, you are not going to accomplish anything other than making yourself frustrated. More importantly you will be delaying your own growth.
Last edited by C-Bart; 04/12/1003:50 AM.
_________________________ Me-41 W-39 M-15 yrs T-17 yrs D-12 S-9 S-8 B 5/08 S 1/09
I'm looking for success stories to model and to help get me through.
It's always nice to read success stories, I'm not sure if to "model" on, since every situation is different, but certainly to give us hope and encouragement that our own relationship, no matter how hopeless it may seam, could change.
Quote:
I'd love to learn more how you were able to make this happen
First of all I'm just at the very beginning of R, the hard work is still ahead of us, and secondly, there is no simple answer. It could have gone either way, even if I did everything right. And I'm sure I didn't do everything right, especially in the beginning. We all go through the same stages, the difference is how you deal with them and what you learn about yourself and how you apply what you have learned to your situation.
Bworl & C-Bart are making some really good points. It's really about you first....work on yourself, detach, love her from distance, give her space.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
To give an update on the latest with the sitch, I apparently had a visitor at work today ... someone trying to serve me the papers. I wasn't aware anyone had stopped. W e-mailed me and said I left her no other choice but to have me served at work, but apparently I had refused to come down to the desk and sign for them. They must have tried to call me and did not get through to my extension.
W threatened to have me served in front of my children if I did not allow myself to be served by the end of this week. Not sure what's so significant about getting them to me before week's end unless it's her own deadline that she set. She told me it would be on my conscience if I let my children see that.
I finally had to tell her that I love her and am not giving up. Her reply was she has been unhappy for several years and to please let her go so we can both find happiness again.
I'm still determined to avoid being served for as long as I can hold this out. The "I don't want to hurt you" and "I'm sorry" business is too high-schoolish to me. This is a marriage. A life-long commitment ... not a couple of high-school sweethearts.
Why don't you just tell her that you will get the papers from her and her alone? Avoiding it isn't going to make it go away. So turn it around to your advantage.
Just tell her "hey I'm kind of busy right now, but why don't you stop by and drop them off yourself." Take charge of the sitch.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
