Faith without works... (my new thread)

[CityGirl]

This all sounds crazy and nuts.

If you went out on a first date with a random woman would you spend hours texting and talking about each moment with her the very next day? My guess is no. If you did that she would be running for the hills.

The ONLY response you should have given your W after the date should have been something like this:

"W, I had a great time too, it was nice to see you, you looked lovely and maybe we can do it again sometime. Hey, I have to run, maybe we will talk soon!"

Instead the two of you pick apart each moment, dredge up the past and start acting all dramatic and crazy. This cycle will continue until both of you (A) work on your own issues (B) get some space and detach a bit and (C) STOP having R talks.

[james217]

This all sounds crazy and nuts.

If you went out on a first date with a random woman would you spend hours texting and talking about each moment with her the very next day? My guess is no. If you did that she would be running for the hills.

The ONLY response you should have given your W after the date should have been something like this:

"W, I had a great time too, it was nice to see you, you looked lovely and maybe we can do it again sometime. Hey, I have to run, maybe we will talk soon!"

Instead the two of you pick apart each moment, dredge up the past and start acting all dramatic and crazy. This cycle will continue until both of you (A) work on your own issues (B) get some space and detach a bit and (C) STOP having R talks.

actually we did that the first day after the date

we didn't spend freaking hours texting and talking about each moment on that date. It was maybe 30 to 45 minutes then we began talking about our very first date and what we remembered about it. Then we even went into a few other good dates and happy memories.

Maybe if you read up YOU'D see where we both just said we had a good time she texted me that right after we left.

She wanted to know details about what I liked and we been both laughing and talking about it because it had been a long long time since we did someting like that.

This is dumb. I can go to a million posts and threads on here where people have just as many details about the entire interation with their spouse (even non date related) but when I do it it's crazy?

I didn't dredge up the past she did. I deaded it and 180ed and there wasn't an argument. I let her express how she felt about it. And she wondered if it was genuine. It hurt to hear her say that. I knew she would. Because we hadn’t had a genuine date with me focused soley on her in a long long time.

On a few of our dates I always had my laptop rarely even talking to her. Just ignoring her or just saying yea yea yep uh huh.

Me not paying attention to the little things she'd say or do bothered her in the past. A new hairstyle. New earrings. etc etc.

So I knew she was going to ask me about it because I ignored her a lot. I didn’t notice those little things. I didn’t pay attention to them. So now I do (180) and that’s crazy and wrong. Wow.

We both probably overreacted a little bit and admitted it. We both also admitted we needed more time to resolve things and each conversation and text is improving. No more cheeseless tunnels. I don’t care about the past anymore. It’s behind us. She still is dealing with it so I give her time and space. She calls and texts me and I end the calls first most of the time. I don’t bombard her with texts or calls or vms. She is pursueing me.

Yes we are both working on our issues too. Hence us not just jumping back together. I’m in anger manager and IC. She’s about to start IC and possible MC. That’s been discussed.

Also I’m still working on my health and job status. It’s improved a lot. Now that I have cut down on my sugar the weight is coming off with ease. Doctor says I have a high metabolism and if I do that I’ll be back down to a good size in no time.

me saying crap like "i had a good time" is not a freaking 180. cause i'd always do that. "that's a nice dress" *goes back to watching tv or something else* or "that's a nice meal" back to more of the same.

It didn't seem genuine because it was just me saying stuff and she knew it. So that's why I told her more about what I liked and didn't like.


and that's why she asked why i did that

and no i wouldn't do that on a first date with a woman. I have no history with them. I'd compliment and we'd talk about it a little bit but that's it. There's no history there. there's no bad past or things I need to work on either

[CityGirl]

we didn't spend freaking hours texting and talking about each moment on that date. It was maybe 30 to 45 minutes then we began talking about our very first date and what we remembered about it. Then we even went into a few other good dates and happy memories.

Maybe if you read up YOU'D see where we both just said we had a good time she texted me that right after we left.

Ok. It's hard to tell how long these talks last because your posts ramble on and on for, like, hours. You fail to include time frames in your posts and the sheer length of each exchange, to me, correlates to a very expanded span of time.

I did read up, thanks for the advice though. Doesn't your sig include a plea for people to read and chime in?

So it would be best if I just agree with you and say WTG - you are doing awesome man! Sounds like this R got right back on track after ONE date. You are the DB'ing master!

[CityGirl]

And maybe YOU should read up as well. I didn't say YOU were crazy I said all these exchanges sounded crazy.

[james217]

we didn't spend freaking hours texting and talking about each moment on that date. It was maybe 30 to 45 minutes then we began talking about our very first date and what we remembered about it. Then we even went into a few other good dates and happy memories.

Maybe if you read up YOU'D see where we both just said we had a good time she texted me that right after we left.

Ok. It's hard to tell how long these talks last because your posts ramble on and on for, like, hours. You fail to include time frames in your posts and the sheer length of each exchange, to me, correlates to a very expanded span of time.

I did read up, thanks for the advice though. Doesn't your sig include a plea for people to read and chime in?

So it would be best if I just agree with you and say WTG - you are doing awesome man! Sounds like this R got right back on track after ONE date. You are the DB'ing master!

hahahahahahahahahah CG you are a goofball. That is my fault. I should have explained the time frames. I just try to be very detailed about things.

No i'm not doing great. I still suck at dbing. But I'm learning. We have another date planned for tuesday. And a movie date planned for tonight via phone.

Me being more detailed about the dates is a 180. I should have explained that. Most of the time we'd go out and I didn't really want to even go and my heart wouldnt be in it so i'd sit there and be on my laptop doing other things while she tried to even get eye contact or conversation from me. That happened a few times and it really bothered her. So I thought about what I did on dates that made her happy and it was me with no laptop or no G1 phone just giving her my undivided attention and paying attention to the things she did for me.

By the way how are you feeling? Has your physical condition improved or stayed the way it is? I really don't understand lupus. What does it do?

[james217]

And maybe YOU should read up as well. I didn't say YOU were crazy I said all these exchanges sounded crazy.

*reads up* LOL I will try to shorten my posts. I type about 80 wpm so alot of times I don't think i have typed alot but I really have

[james217]

slight update.

Waw and I have pretty much been texting and having fun through the day.

(30 mins convo)

I tell her I need to talk to her. I asked her what she's going to do. Her unemployment runs out soon and our life savings are taking a major hit.

At first she gets upset. stating I'm throwing stuff in her face. Nope I cut that off. I just stated talked about our savings and bills we have mounting and something has got to give. We both can't keep living like this .

I was calm and didn't argue. She tells me she's unhappy. So I asked her was all of this worth it? I 180 again instead of babying her I allow her to think on her own. She gets a little upset (i know it's at herself) and hangs up.


(20 mins convo)

She calls back about 20 minutes later. I state nothing. I say nothing. She talks calmly. Obviously she's crying. I dont think she thinks this "newfound so called happiness" is worth it anymore. She keeps saying what is she going to do.

She has no money. She has taken a major chunk out of the life savings cause I've had to help her. She barely has food.

She doesn't have any bus fare. she could have came to the house with me. My parents were discussing that a few weeks ago but now they're getting pissed about it. I dont know if that's an option anymore.

I think reality is setting in. Reality of how her newfound life isn't all it's cracked up to be. I wonder if she will continue to fall..

[james217]

Maybe me and WAW are getting too close . last night we talked again. This time for a few hours. There was flirting going on but unless I am perfect and don't do or say anything wrong she is mad at me.

She still wants to date. But here is something I don't like. I don't like feeling like when she wants to talk we talk when I want to talk about something bothering me she's busy.

Last night there was a little pillow talk. Then it just stops. She starts getting distant. I'm kind of hurt. We had a little R talk (not good) and discussed the bible. she had questions about the role of W AND H and M. I gave her the verses. She said she's going to look them over.

I was really really sad last night. She could tell. She kept asking what was wrong. I stated if I tell you you will just get mad. She said she would have an open mind.

I told her how I felt about alot of things. She was kind of distant saying she's worried about finding a job. We talk about the bible again. I ask her if she's ok. She seems to be extremely guarded tonight.

I failed at dbing effectively tonight. I backslid. I started crying. i couldn't help it. I was missing the kids my wife and just kind of down and wondering if this job was going to call me. I've been pretty good about being positive. But she started talking about S8 and that really got to me.

She just kept saying baby it's going to be alright one minute then the next distant.

I pretty much stayed up all night. I couldn't get any rest. I don't know if the night was a total loss but I really backslid and let her see me being vulnerable again. I'm pondering in my mind if I should set a period of darkness for a few days then maybe a week.

She wants to go out tuesday but I do't know anymore. The affairs have been busted (5 days and no affair talk) but I don't just want to be her friend.

The dating could do one of two things.

Allow her to see that we can be happy and have fun together
Or
Allow her to be comfortable with seeing me and spending time with me and neer wnating to come home cause I'm filling her need of lonliness. But I need my need of lonliness too.

I think the intimate talk got to me. It reminded me of how things used to be and I really really missed her touch.

Well today Ill have another chance to db better.

I'm comptemplating darkness.

[CityGirl]

Can you at least see why I said this entire situation sounds crazy and nuts?

A few days ago you said you wanted to die. Then you were happy and things were okay. Then things were horrible again. Then the two of you argue. Then the two of you get along. R talks start. Pushing and pulling and power struggles begin. Major ups and downs and all this drama is no good. No good at all.

Then you want to go dark or gray. Then you don't do that and talk, talk and talk more. You are all over the map and giving in to every whim and desire to fix all of this. I don't think it works that way.

First you must work on detaching. If your W is crying because she doesn't have a job that is not your problem. She chose all of this. You certainly can validate her feelings but it is not up to you to solve this problem for her (ex: sending out resumes on her behalf, looking for jobs for her). You both must learn to take care of your own stuff.

Each time a talk you have with your W goes south you want to go dark. Going dark is not a punishment tool. Going dark is to help you get your own stuff together, make a plan, detach and stop all this madness. It is not a magic wand solution.

This will be a very long, very slow process and you seem to want it all repaired ASAP. Until both of you work on yourselves ON YOUR OWN then not much will change and the same patterns will emerge.

You are way too emotional to be having these talks and you still haven't grasped the basics. When all of this is pointed out to you, you get angry and lash out so I am not sure exactly what sort of support you are looking for.

[james217]

Can you at least see why I said this entire situation sounds crazy and nuts?

A few days ago you said you wanted to die. Then you were happy and things were okay. Then things were horrible again. Then the two of you argue. Then the two of you get along. R talks start. Pushing and pulling and power struggles begin. Major ups and downs and all this drama is no good. No good at all.

Then you want to go dark or gray. Then you don't do that and talk, talk and talk more. You are all over the map and giving in to every whim and desire to fix all of this. I don't think it works that way.

First you must work on detaching. If your W is crying because she doesn't have a job that is not your problem. She chose all of this. You certainly can validate her feelings but it is not up to you to solve this problem for her (ex: sending out resumes on her behalf, looking for jobs for her). You both must learn to take care of your own stuff.

Each time a talk you have with your W goes south you want to go dark. Going dark is not a punishment tool. Going dark is to help you get your own stuff together, make a plan, detach and stop all this madness. It is not a magic wand solution.

This will be a very long, very slow process and you seem to want it all repaired ASAP. Until both of you work on yourselves ON YOUR OWN then not much will change and the same patterns will emerge.

You are way too emotional to be having these talks and you still haven't grasped the basics. When all of this is pointed out to you, you get angry and lash out so I am not sure exactly what sort of support you are looking for.

don't want to use going dark as a form of punishment. I know every interaction won't be good. I'm trying to db and i'm getting better daily but I backslide occassionally. is this normal at first?

The reason I felt like dying was because of the herpes crap. That really took a toll on me.

yep I can see why you said it.

I'm handling my stuff and dealing with it.

I just try to talk and make positive moments and although i've improved there's alot of work to do. Alot