As you know, I have been really not doing well and S needs others to care for him as much as possible. I have done ok between preschool, and my parents and my neighbor. H was gone most of this week and it was a hard week to have the majority of childcare on my shoulders.
Today S was sick = fever and lethargy, and feeling like vomitting. I have to workin the morning and usually I bring S with me (work in a church nursery). I broke down and called H to say S was sick and I didn't want to drag him to work in the morning and could he consider taking S.
Of course H doesn't return the call.
That was at 5. At 11 before bed I call one more time and remind him that I am not receiving texts and only calls on the home phone. (my phone charger is missing so the cell is dead)
What does H do? TEXTS ME. (I know this because I went out and sat in the car to hook phone up to car charger). Says he's exhausted from work and doesnt relish the thought of getting up to care for S" but would be willing to come by my work and get him when H wakes up. WTF? REally? AFter being gone all week and I"m having a hard time and now he wants me to drag a sick S to work? This is beyond unacceptable.
I am tired of being manipulated, bullied, etc. This is clearly neglecting having a conversation with me about his own child. Let me be clear, I do the majority of childcare and rarely ask for any time from H outside his allotted amount.
This crap after the other week he demanded I come speak to him in person or he's leaving - and he just drove off leaving me with S even though I had a rehearsal and it was H's day - I am tired of this manipulative crap.
He is finally coming to MC on Monday after avoiding it for a month. I need help here people getting my thoughts straight on how I need to communicate this hurtful and irresponsible behavior. It's one thing to bully and abuse me, another altogether to start abandoning our child!
He really is behaving irresponsibly now, he wants every thing on his own terms including S.. IF he goes on monday, honestly I dont think any thing you communicate to him right now is actually gonna land in his brain.. perhaps leave it to the MC to explain its not acceptable behaviour.
Definitely 24/48 even longer as I can hear your seething from over here.. Honestly I dont think hes worth wasting your energy seething on, put that energy into getting well and looking after little S. OTOH H is digging his way into a deeper pit regarding any custody he may want, if he cant look after him because S needs it because your ill, well he shouldnt have the responsibilty the rest of time, we all have to look after our kids regardless of our own health.. I thought I was gonna have a peaceful weekend instead Im comforting a full grown man blubbing like a baby, but yes he is my baby still and probably always be and right now he needs his mum, so mum's plans go on the back burner as always..
Hope you both feel better soon, you both have had more than your fair share of bugs recently you both deserve some good health!
((((H4L))))) ((((S)))))
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Ugh H4L, I'm sorry that your H is not stepping up to his responsibilities. Your S really shouldn't be around other children if he has a fever...your taking him to the church nursery isn't an acceptable solution. And of course it's not great for him to be dragged around period.
I was upset last week when H dragged my feverish S off to his apartment instead of letting him stay here. I have to admit though, that we moms tend to be more protective when our children are sick than when fathers are.
It's shocking the physical toll that shattering takes on our bodies. It seems so unfair that we have to deal with the emotional toll while not being able to eat, sleep, and while battling illness. I really liked the chapter on shattering in the abandonment book.
Taking care of yourself is going to be a minute by minute struggle for a while. For me self care means monitoring my thoughts and thought stopping, distracting myself by activities and light DVDs, getting outside and being physically active, trying to eat and sleep properly, chanting, talking with friends, etc. It's amazing how changing environments can help with PMA sometimes...even when one feels that nothing can take away the pain.
And I have to say that my children really have helped me. They are very high maintenance and need a lot of attention. Focusing on the moments with them does help to draw me away from my thoughts. It also helps me to feel better about myself when I am there for them. Outdoor outings help especially - damming a little creek, picking dandelions, digging, walking, bike riding, etc. It's so hard to be a mom when you're feeling like this, but just try to do it for 15 minutes at a time.
(((H4L)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Regarding the MC...I don't know what to think about this. I think you need to figure out what you're going to tackle in the session. This would require you to be very strong, but ideally I think you would state at the beginning of the session that you're only willing to talk about coparenting issues and stick to that. Talking about that will take the whole session and it's something that your H has to deal with no matter what his choices are about your M. IMO any talk about the future of your M is not going to be productive right now. You're angry, hurt, and devastated. He is in extreme avoidance mode and has demonstrated very hurtful behaviour to you recently. I really doubt that he will be receptive to anything you or the MC say about working on the M right now. Sorry .
Maybe in the session you could outline your expectations of him as a father and have a written list: 1. treat me respectfully as the mother of your children 2. financially support us 3. be available to change plans and step in if I am ill and unable to care for S 4. be available to change plans and step in if S is ill and I have work commitments and you do not 5. find mutually agreeable ways to communicate about parenting issues, esp time-sensitive ones 6. etc.
I think you need to focus on a positive coparenting R at this point. Your S needs that, you need that, and even your H needs that. If there is hope for reconciliation, the work you do on coparenting provides a foundation for that.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
What would happen if you let MC and H take the lead and you weren't always the eager participant? Have him show his hand in MC as you sit there and see what happens maybe. Not sure. Tough one.
rr's plan is also a good one...maybe the best option. that would involve you biting your tongue!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
well I got all your fabulous advice too late. I completely blew it!
H still doesn't call me - so after work around noon I call he doesn't answer. He calls back and I told him how angry and hurt I was that he didn't return my calls and my job would have been on the line if I had a sick child I couldn't bring. Why do I keep thinking he will actually care how I feel?
H totally shuts me down. He says he's not interested in "being baited" and listening to me "trying to have the moral high ground" and other accusations. He says he's not interested in talking about how we "disagree" about what happened this weekend and the last two where I felt ditched.
I said if he doesn't communicate with me or he dictates what we can and can't talk about then I may assume things that aren't true about him. He goes on about how I'll never listen to him so he's not going to bother...it went nowhere.
Hope, it's hard to watch you keep doing the same thing and getting the same result . You're getting clear feedback. You need to 1. protect yourself and 2. stop doing what isn't working. (((H4L))) I hope that you can get support from an IC in being strong and acting in your own best interest. I know how hard it is.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
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