Hello, I have been married for 14 years and with him for 18. We have had a tough few years with my husband's enforced job change back in 2006, loss of his paternal Grandma in October 2008 and lots of travelling with a new job which he absolutely hates.
He got back in touch with an ex girlfriend from 25 years ago - they courted for 5 years when they were in late teens/early 20's. She was a go getter and studied in the US for the last 2 years of their relationship and was unfaithful. She is 42, never been married, no children and was made redundant from her job of 12 years back in May 2009.
During 2009 my husband's behaviour had become more secretive, hostile towards me and angry all of the time. He lied to my face about his affair and has gone around telling our friends what an absolute harrodan I am. I confirmed his affair on the 30th September 2009 and he left the next day - leaving his hosue keys. We got into a physical fight - he was arrested and cautioned (admitted the offence) and he left.
I pieced together who it was and visited her parents and confirmed it was her - they didn't know anything about it. he now splits his time between Yorkshire, London and his job which takes him away onto the continent.
We have agreed he has to be a Dad to our children aged 11 (son) and 8 (daughter). We have agreed not to involve solicitors at this stage. He has a flat which he lives in when in our home town and takes the kids to when he has them every other weekend.
He still is also quick to get angry with me and accuse me of berating him to friends and saying I have a "plan" - neither of which are true. We have spoken probably 5 times since the start of the year - the most recent of which was last night when he collected the kids - he commented that there had been a 'drop in the atmosphere' between us as I'd stopped putting kisses on my texts and e-mails (decided to do this on 20th March as it just felt no longer appropriate). I explained that to him. He also wants to see a gas certificiate for the villa the children and I are holidaying in at Whit (this is despite the fact we all holidayed there in 2006).
I have a desire to want to continue to behave with calmness and dignity through this whole process. I really do not know where this is all going to end up but I really don't want to do anything which I am going to regret at a later date. I am firmly in NC unless it is connected to the children. He has our children every other weekend with open access any other time but sees them very rarely.
I have seen 2 'chidren' appear - the main one being a 15 year old boy. H also smells different. His mother died when he was 15 and he slept with his Dad for the first year as he was concerned for his wellbeing. His fatehr remarried within 13 months and went on to have 2 further children who are now 21 and 24 - my husband feels they have had opportunities he never had in his life - but his Dad is still the workaholic he always has been.
He has got loans to live the high life this year (denied by him but confirmed independantly by me). He is living way beyond his means and cannot possibly live the life he wants. He has started to put pressure onto me to sell our home - the kids home. I am self employed so there is no way I can ever got a mortgage again. He has sent me an e-mail saying to expect a letter from his solicitor after Easter and that he is going to allow me to divorce him for adultery/unreasonable behaviour and unless I take him up on that offer within a reasonable timeframe he will sue me for divorce on grounds of MY unreasonable behaviour. I haven't received a letter from his solicitor.
I have not been in touch with the OW and nor do I plan to. I feel funadmentally the kids don't need to know about my husband's affair as it'll change their relationship with them forever. I really do feel she is important in this at all. She is welcome to the idiot he is right now.
I continue to detach but feel I need a perspective from people further down the road than me - I think he is still in Replay but occassional touch and go's with me. The only other thing to note is that he hasn't been in touch with any of our friends since December - he blames me for having to go out and get a new circle of friends :-( BUT he is still in touch with his Dad (who lent him �5k in October 2009) and his step Mum - didn't do a single thing with our chidlren for me for Mothers Day but cooked his step Mum lunch.....
I don't want a divorce and I am cracking on a GAL (as recommended) - I am working on filling the hole in my heart with other stuff and trying to become a better person but somehow I can't help feeling I am missing something????
Anyone's perspective would be a good start for me.
Thank you - and I am sorry i didn't warn you all this was such a long post......
lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
lalxx I am sorry you find yourself here but you have come to right the place. This is not an easy ride and it is long. Your h sounds like a classic case of mlc so be prepared for a very long journey for both of you. You can do this. You are already doing all of the right things. Come here for your support and it is a great place and there are a lot of great people. Read the resources and DR.
Sorry you are here but you will find that this is a great place and you will get tons of great advice. It does sound like MLC but that is really for you to decide. Have you read the resources? I can post them on your thread if you need the links.
There is a thread here on the LBS that I would encourage you to read.
Thanks guys for your posts, I suppose I feel a little empty - like I am almost waiting for the next thing to creep up and jump on me - does this make sense??
I have read this forum inside and out since the start of 2010 - it has been a life saver - it really has - I have read about and practice detachment and being dim with my husband - not sure when to chnage tack to be fair - patience was never a strong point for me!!
I am a member of a couple of other forum which has helped me get things in perspective - I know I had started to pull back at the end of alst year so I was relieved when I read about "detachment" - it made sense to preserve myself.
I was pleased I wasn't going mad when I read up on the MLC symptoms - I honestly thought I was going crazy for most of last year - I know he has a long way to go.
How do you get through the days and nights when you are wide awake and thoughts are running around your head like a scene out of bladerunner?
How do you overcome that feeling of bleakness about relationships in the future? The one where you feel you are never going to be held in anyone's arms any more (not my husband's necessarily - just anyone's arms?).
Does anyone else have 'first love' reignition stories they can share?? I have read up loads on MLC and few men seem to go down this road - or was it a case of right place right time for them both do you think? (I have just noticed in my original post I say OW is important - I don't think that at all - she isn't important in this sorry mess).
Thanks for your time,
lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
Does anyone else have 'first love' reignition stories they can share?? I have read up loads on MLC and few men seem to go down this road - or was it a case of right place right time for them both do you think?
Oh, yes and yes. There are so many levels of weirdness to my H's choice of OW, but one is that she is the younger sister of one of his HS GFs, too young to date at the time. And circumstances brought them together when he was vulnerable. And she is so the opposite of everything I thought he wanted in a woman.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. It's tough, but you will be OK. I've felt everything you mentioned, and am here to tell you that it will get better. Keep reading and learning. Head high, chin up! Be the better person.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Does anyone else have 'first love' reignition stories they can share?? I have read up loads on MLC and few men seem to go down this road
Hi lalxx - I'm not sure ow was my H's first love, but she is the one that 'got away.' They dated in HS 40 years ago when they were 16. She dumped him supposedly because of his jealousy.
H re-met her at her father's funeral home viewing and moved in with her 2 weeks later. There are indications that all is not a bed of roses there. Trying to go back and recapture what you were 40 years ago is tough work.
Detaching, working on yourself and GALing all help and make this journey a little more tolerable. Doing that will help us come out the other side of this a better person no matter what our sitch turns out to be.
Ewwwwwwww.....she 'picked up' your H at her father's viewing??? How low class and telling THAT is.
As many have said in the past, the OW is usually the direct opposite of the LBS. The WAS usually picks up on people that are 'below' standards in morals and all things important to normal family life. That way, they can feel superior and they won't feel 'put down' like they thought they had been by their LBS (real or imagined).
You can't go back in time...so starting up with someone totally inappropriate in age but somehow tied to the part of their life they want to live (usually their 20s/30s) again.....sputters slowly to it's own death given time and a LBS who knows to detach, sit on the curb and watch. Isn't easy, takes loads of patience and time...but, it is interesting when it happens.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I suppose I swing from absolute comfort with how i am handling things to thinking "gosh, is he really happy with her and he's never going to be in my life at any level again??"
I just struggle to reconcile the man he is now ith the fab human being used to be.
I am the only person in our circle of friends this is happening to (although on reflelction our friendship circle has seen several MLC's in the last 8 years or so). I don't talk about what's happening to most friends as most don't understand why I am taking the approach I am - they think I should GAL and by this they mean divorce, get a new man and crack on with breaking up everything that's been imprtant to me in the alst 18 years - I am not saying my situation won't come to that but the time isn't right for me at the moment. It's lonely sometimes....
I would really welcome thoughts as to whether LBS are in control of the pace of this situation - I believe fundamenatlly that it'll be me who'll decide whether the marriage ends or not but maybe I am just fooling myself?
One of my 180's is to be 'less controlling' - I would say I am organised (Mum, run my own business, busy social life etc) but it was one of the reasons my husband left me (that and a love of old ceramics, vintage handbags, showing him no love, undermining him in front of the children - MLC rantings I believe now - but they were real last year in the midst of the not knowing what was happening......).
lalxx
Choose Life Me: 45 Him: 44 S:11 D:8 Met in 1992 Married in 1995 Bomb drop September 30th 2009 Divorce final April 16th 2011 exH Marries OW June 17th 2011
I would really welcome thoughts as to whether LBS are in control of the pace of this situation - I believe fundamenatlly that it'll be me who'll decide whether the marriage ends or not but maybe I am just fooling myself?
You can only control YOU. Nothing else. If YOU want to end the marriage you can. YOU can not control the MLC'er to do anything.
Think of it like watching a movie on film. You pull up a chair and watch till the end. If You go to the projector to try to speed it up, you tangle up the film and it takes longer to untangle it so you can watch the end of the movie. If you decide you are leaving the theater you don't get to watch the movie at all. Does that make sense?
I would get some popcorn pull up a chair and start watching the show.
