What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[gatsby11]

And my supervisor from work, a with-it gal who just had a baby herself last year, is going to be my birthing coach. I think it'll be great to have a work person there (a supervisor, no less!) to make me perform to my best. Also, WH's sister will be there as additional support. Even though she is somewhat a symbol of him, I have separated the two enough emotionally in the past three months. So seeing her won't remind me of him. Maybe seeing the baby will, but that's a different story. . .

[Piano]

But I did give my "message" for him if he was interested. It was 7 numbered points like "i love him and always will because of what we had, but we are not friends right now," "i'm willing to do counseling, but that may not last much longer," and then details about baby stuff like I don't want him at the birth but I do want him to see the baby after the birth. Oh and that he could contact me if he wanted input in her name, but I was prepared to name on my own.

I think you have handled this brilliantly, G ! I am very impressed with your boundary setting. You sound to me like a woman who knows what she is worth.

Passing on your list to the inlaaws is an effective way of letting them know your values, without have to get into a discussion about it.

Plus I am having a hard time imagining in-laws acting as 'mediators' in your M. Having said that, there are so mnay rubbish counselors out there they might do a better job!

Awesome news about the baby shower. Mine is next week! Also sounds like you will be well supported in the birth. My mum did Lamaze... I'm doing Calmbirth/hypnobirth.. yes, we can have more positive and peaceful births than the medical profession would have us believe!

Hey, isn't it funny we three (you, babydoll and I) all know the sex of our babies. Maybe we're the types that like to have info.

[gatsby11]

Hey P! I forget-- is yours a boy or a girl?

I had to know because, yeah, I'm that type AND I wanted a boy so badly. I knew I would need time to process having a girl. But interestingly enough, the day I discovered it was a girl was 1/15/10, the day after I understood what he was saying. And I was relieved to learn it was a girl! I wondered why and thought about that for a while. And I'm pretty sure I think that females are stronger than males, so she could handle anything. Isn't that weird? I don't know what to think about it!

As for the message I gave his parents: I wrote it up, then I read lots of posts (including yours) and edited. That line about "not friends anymore" came from reading your post! It must have been Allen or somebody who really emphasized that.

I really have to say I feel like I'm going through a personal revolution. I think I spent a lot of my marriage giving a lot and expecting very little. My personality is to help others and get out of their way. The helping others is OK, but neglecting. . . even refusing to acknowledge myself is something I can't do anymore. (It still comes through a bit in that if he wants me out, okay, I'm out. Whatever he wants. See what I mean?)

So I know that this is my time to know myself and my baby. The setbacks I have from unexpected contact with him make me sad. So I think that motivates me a lot to set boundaries.

That said, I think of this ME time taking me up to the birth and after for maybe 3 months. But at that point, I think he should be making some true decisions. We got through the transition -- how did he handle it? Then I plan to do maybe 3 months or so of active DB-ing. Goal setting, I mean, 180s, all that. I'd do it for the 8 years of quality marriage that we had.

Then, around Jan/Feb/March depending on how things go, I'll go dim, GAL, and be done with it. That's okay. I will still hold a glimmer of hope for later, but I'm okay with moving on, too. I know that he didn't ruin my life. Not at all.

So that's my plan. Sorry for the long rambling; I guess this has become my journal!

You're going for a completely natural birth. Rock on. I'm going to try, but I might do a light epidural. Not sure; I'll just decide when I'm there! I wonder what BD's plan is. . .

TTYL!

[Piano]

Hello G. I won't say no to a little gas or even en epidural if need be, but the aim is to walk into the birth with no fear !
My bub is a little girl too :-) I was happy to have the sex surprise early, and leave other excitements for the delivery. Also I thought at 20 weeks, knowing the sex might help H see this baby as a reality baby and not a concept or fantasy baby. Not sure it helped a bit.
Once I shoot that email off today, I plan to head into MEEEEEEEEEE time also. I hope to keep building my strength and belief that I will be OK if H never comes back. For me, the world is greyer without my favourite person by my side.

[gatsby11]

Last line, Piano - sad.

Just heard from his sister that he wanted to send the baby a gift, so it's in the mail.

So strange to me. . . is that what she needs? A gift? We'll see what it is.

Maybe he felt like "oh my whole family is getting this baby a gift, and she's mine. . . I should probably send one. . ." Ok, I need to stop analyzing it.

until next time. . .

[gatsby11]

Well, I got a big update from his sister.

1. He asks about me every time he sees them. How I'm doing, how I look, am I really playing the cello, etc.
2. He still cries every time he sees them about what's happening. He seems really stressed.
3. He's been attending his weekly therapy faithfully, and wishes he had started it long ago.
4. He has always built a life around/with me, and now he's trying to figure out who he is. He's experimenting with cooking and other things.
5. He's nervous about his parents coming and he wishes we could handle it together.
6. He knows his parents won't understand what he's doing, but it's the way it has to be.
7. He's looking to get a new apartment in a complex where all of his new friends live. (I don't know any of them.)

So. . . it's fairly conflicting info. Some of it seems "good" for reconciliation because he obviously cares about me. At the same time, a lot of it is "good" for separateness forever, because he seems set in it and trying to deal with that reality.

I think I've convinced myself that he'll come around with time. But today, for the first time, I've seriously wondered if he really won't. If he'll look at the baby and run even further away.

I can't wait for him for years, I just can't.

But I think that deep down he can be the partner that I thought he always was. It's frustrating that he has to discover that himself.

I get this kind of info, and I want to take some kind of action. Oh yeah, and he said something about how we don't know what each other is thinking, and that makes it difficult. So do I reach out to communicate? But I'm not interested in that if the aim is not reconciliation! If the aim is to just help him adjust to life without me, then hell no!

So it sucks. I heard that the gifts he sent are practical, like bedding and bath supplies and stuff like that. It still mystifies me. I'm interested to see if he writes a note with the gift.

I'll keep ya'll updated. It's a down evening!

[Piano]

Hi G, thinking of you.
The feedback you got seems really positive to me and confirms your gut instinct that you two can work this out. I don't really see him settling into another life so soon.
Don't feel you need to rush into action and communicate something - if you have told your H that you love him and don't want D and that you are open to reconcilliation when the time is right, what more can you say?
His wish to send a pressie for the baby is naive. But it's a positive gesture - but see it for what it is. It's ALL he is capable of right now. As you heard, he is crying, unsettled.
This is all good.
Let him work through his confusion. You need to practice loving detachment durung this time and keep your bright and strong outlook on life going meanwhile. I will post a link to an article on this.

For what it is worth, I feel a lot of hope for your sitch because you are not losing your control, like i did in the beginning - oh la la!

talk soon (thanks for posting on my thread & for the positive thoughts -really appreciate it!)

[Piano]

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Detachment link

[gatsby11]

Nice link. Detachment, yes. . . I also want to see that success story you talked about on BD's thread!

Piano, I lost it completely in the beginning, too! Seriously. I was in a bedroom, crying CONSTANTLY. (His sister's guest bedroom.) I was anxiously searching all websites looking for answers. (Not really getting to this one very easily, though!) I sent him that one email, of course, and I tried to reason with him when we met, but other than that it was me and tears.

In fact, I also got a cough from a cold around the same time and I BRUISED MY LUNGS from so much sobbing and coughing! It took at least a month for the lungs to recover.

Not to mention not sleeping. . . just crying and searching the Internet. . . the only time I wasn't crying was when I was with students!

(And I've never heard myself sob that way before. It was almost Biblical with the "tearing of clothes and gnashing of teeth"!)

I'm glad those days are over. Really, what really helped was knowing that every tear was making me stronger. Even now, I get a tad weepy from time to time, and I know that those moments I'll be able to handle easier the next time, too. Such a process.

But the worst is over. Hallelujah! I will never go back to that place again with this WH.

Had a checkup today and they're giving me another sonogram this upcoming Friday. . . I guess I'm not big enough for 31 weeks. I'm just hoping that petite mama= petite baby and she's okay. We'll see on Friday.

'Til next time!

[Piano]

Nice link. Detachment, yes. . . I also want to see that success story you talked about on BD's thread!

here it is, G: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1980692&page=1

(And I've never heard myself sob that way before. It was almost Biblical with the "tearing of clothes and gnashing of teeth"!)

I'm glad those days are over. Really, what really helped was knowing that every tear was making me stronger. Even now, I get a tad weepy from time to time, and I know that those moments I'll be able to handle easier the next time, too. Such a process.

Yeah, this 'primal' crying... I know it. You picked yourself up off the floor pretty quick. And sounds like other than trying to reason with him and shedding tears you stayed dignified. I didn't!
I love your determination to stay strong....keep it up!